1. Memories, For, When I Am. (Being edited 2024)

Mother

It's a fact that I grew up around a lot of women, yes women, I refuse to call them girls as most of them are grown and instead of me are raising their own families now. It's also a fact that me and the one parent that is not my pa that I have left do not in the slightest agree with each other 88-94% of the time, so I assign myself someone to fill the void. Lately her name is Madeline or mady, ma to me. This is for the women that raised me, even Jordan now along with Ma.

A-are you who I think you are?
you must be! I'm convinced!
I'm sure!
you treat me so nicely
there's no doubt in the world
you'll try your best to take care of me right?
you'll be there for me everyday I'm just so sure.

Those are my mothers, I tell myself,
I can depend on them when I'm unwell
because they depend on me to be well

Dear mother,
how do I tell you?
that you were like no other but,
now I've replaced you because you ran away,
I've replaced you with someone closer, someone safer,
they're here in my heart to stay.

she's better than you,
all and every "she" I know,
they bring me up and raise me
rather than put me down.

good morning ma!
sure I can walk you around!
and yes ma I'm ok, just a little tired,
thank you for asking though.
my life is really this simple when she's round.....

she gave herself the job,
and so did the
rest,
I was given an escape from the realness
that is my actual family
rather than the one I've constructed around me.

Dear ma,
you're my best friend,
I hope you never drift away
I don't want to be without friends like you,
they keep me hidden, they keep me from
myself inside
they are my sanctuary when mine falls apart.

I've never wanted anything,
apart from what was given to me,
ha! yeah I borrow that from my favorite singer
because it's the truth,
my friends were given to me in a way
so I don't need much more.....
.....I just needed someone to care about me,
and someone for me to worry about
I'm. so. good,
at worrying.

Dear mother,
I'm not smart enough to run away
but I'm stupid enough to put up with you,
there's no where I could or want to go
so I'm stuck right now,
because the connotation of home when you're in it
is quarelling and questioning and stale, no,
the connotation of home when you're in it is self hope and starvation
and misunderstanding.

I needed someone closer,
I needed someone I had real reasons to look out for,
because my reasons for looking out for you are for
the perpetuation of my survival,
but what I really needed were best friends and a lover
to call my own.
I'm not sadistic towards MY mothers or MY family
because they alone showed me what I know.

Dear ma and my others,
Thank you,
I can never repay you but thats ok
because at least I'm less confused than I could have been
and I am respectful of that.
I would erase all these words but I need the truth out there
because some people don't believe.
I've never wanted anything,
apart from what was given to me,
and what was given to me was not only an escape
but another way to start over with the someones I can trust.

These are my mothers and family, I tell myself,
I can depend on them to raise me accordingly
because they depend on me to stay close until the end.

Because a mother and a parent are someone that grow to care about you like their own when you feel you have none or nothing left.

-For my mother, mothers, lover, and best friend(s).