1. Memories, For, When I Am. (Being edited 2024)

Fission

I've put your poison in my veins,

but there's nothing inside it can kill,

I've put your trust into words I seek,

I should have trusted in me,

I'm so bipolar with how I should feel,

and now it burns around me.

I throw my life into yours,

and I want it back,

I compared my heart to yours,

I guess I need you back,

I'm still looking to you for hope,

but you're not here,

you can't be,

and I'm dying slowly, more painfully inside,

though I began this with you while I was hurt,

and we left from there and now I'm hurt,

I can't find hope in another,

because I left it all in you.

I can't talk to you,

let alone you the same for me,

I still love you,

though it's not my place to call you "dear",

Everything I can ever say will only be interpreted

as a way for me to hurt you.

All I wanted was to teach you,

now I can't as I no longer belong to you,

I've listened to you speak of how you run

through relationships like water,

All I wanted was to help you settle down,

I wanted to be the dam to a river flowing

through me,

who even though I knew from day 1 she was

already gearing to move on,

I wasn't going to surrender 

or give up on you,

Because everything I could ever give or teach you,

neither of us would find that anywhere else,

maybe, but not soon enough.

This isn't for me, I'm still trying to live for and do things for you that,

when I realise who I mean it towards,

I bury the thought in myself,

because when I think of you,

I wish I could feel hurt,

when I try to talk to you,

it's like you're never there listening,

and then I feel hurt,

I feel invisible now that you're not around.

Every time I told you I wanted you with me,

I was really trying to tell you that I need you,

that I'm hurt and I'm hiding it from myself,

I just want to be yours to hold,

I just need to be yours to care for,

I just pray you'll accept me,

it's not my fault I am the shell of a girl

staring back at me in my reflection.

I can't help but miss you,

I just want to be home again,

if home was anyone else,

maybe I could bear with losing you,

but I guess that's not the case.

I'm stuck here,

knowing that the more I realise

where here is,

the more I'll be torn apart.

If I ask for you back,

will you love me?

If I ask for you back,

will you deny me?

If I ask for you back,

would you laugh at me,

would you give me an excuse,

would you just leave again?

Because the entire time you were dating a girl

who is almost like you,

and she, I, knew I could always love you,

I could always forgive you.

Put an end to the fission in my heart,

I will always be your dear.