1. Memories, For, When I Am. (Being edited 2024)

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I've never wanted anything apart from what was given to me, as my favourite singer kina grannis would put it I guess. everything's always already given to me, there's literally nothing ahead I don't know about already....its been that way. I meet people day and night, sometimes I actually get to meet them and as it seems, maybe I had what they were looking for. I'm always or was always looking for a something myself, whatever it was that could set me free because it wasn't given already.

This is what its like with me, day in and day out I live as an empty shell. I couldn't save myself so I stopped fighting with me as it gets me nowhere unfortunately no matter the effort. there's always been a dream where I'm in a place that feels familiar she's been there, that's my hope, my hope is a person I confided in within a dream that was home. I was convinced from each point forward that this wasn't a cruelly placed figment of the mind, she's always been there and if it weren't for people I know I'd call it a day and just stop all together but if it wasn't for myself I guess I wouldn't be here.

All my life all I've done and continue to do is look out for the things I understand in others usually leading me to keep them, its my job because I failed once upon a life time and so help me I will mark it on myself to make it known. I always thought and was under the assumption that it doesn't matter who I decide to choose, but for just once that wasn't up to me and I'm glad I don't have to be all over my fight or flight anymore. even though it was dreams and dreams before sometimes same sometimes differing in their ways, I had one 2 years ago from around this winter we share on this east coast of ours, and there even knowing that I lie asleep I found what I was looking for. I'm never good at remembering anything that comes out of my mouth in any of them, all these dreams, but I'm glad I remembered who was before me, and my purpose from then on was clear. when you're told to find something that is dear to you even when it is before you, like me you'd do as they wish and seek them even if what you look for is never found and I'm never sure if things happen for a reason, being always persuaded by the future as I am, but for certain I know I'm alive now before it was that of being a ghost just aimlessly wandering through the fog. I'm happy to say that I have what I need now, I've no further purpose if I fail to keep that most dear to me in sight. she knows this story, how I let it unfold is up to me. I never cease to tell her my dreams every time one surfaces because I know where they lead. she is the highest authority, she alone is everything, I'm not mental, there's something here that took me long and hard to find, and I will stop at nothing to be as I am now, with my sunshine, the only soul where I dwell day to day. there is nothing anywhere else.

And so this is how I'd like it. I've never wanted anything apart from what was given to me.
You are my sunshine.