1. Memories, For, When I Am. (Being edited 2024)

When I was a child

When I was a child

I didn't know sorrow

as I would play

and bask in the

summers light

and falls breeze

because all I knew

was happiness

and

in those days

the future didn't matter as it does now.

There were

no worries,

no dangers,

no struggles,

If only I knew then

what I go through now.

When I was a child,

I was alone

until he showed up

in this world,

someone for me to care for

because now only some

care for me.

He was a pest and still is,

but I still care for him,

and in those days

I suffered a back injury that wouldn't matter

until now,

I can't sit up straight from the floorboards

even if I tried

and

everything I ever did then,

spells nostalgia in my mind as I

look back at the strange timid creature

of a person that was me,

maybe it just seems strange

to think of myself that way,

but,

When I was a child

I was shy if approached because I didn't

know the meaning of decisive conversation.

I am still shy and at this I

find comfort and content.

When I was a child,

I was scared,

I couldn't help or trust most,

so I put myself before other people

instead of putting other people before myself.

So on that journey I lucked out

and

not once did I have to think

about the anger and remorse that

I carried within that I fight against now,

the sadness from within

that wants me to do what it is within its plan

for its dark design that is me,

and I find solace in my memories

so old

so pure

so clean,

the memories of when I was loved and now few care,

but in those few I find where I belong,

And grow a heartbeat that will last forever.

  When I was a child,

If allowed to embrace hose around me,

their heartbeat is what I would search for

in that of woman rather than men,

where corruption seeks to dwell but cannot call home

as long as I was in it

and now I find myself tending to this habit

once more with the one I love most above all else,

it is safe to say at this, that I am humbled

to the hurt of others,

Hearts tell stories only I would care

to listen to anyways.... even my own.

When I was a child,

selfishness was my downfall.

I did nothing to care about others

and it felt shameful,

I like to pretend that I did, but the only ones that understood

were the older ones humbled to

what it is to hurt and regret their own demons,

and the pets I tended to,

I locked my mouth to the outside world,

that was the center of my selfish demeanor,

Because now she, my true mother, doesn't care to listen

despite my efforts.

When I was a child,

I suffered many loses...

friends,

places,

pets,

choices never made,

empty opportunities,

We never settled for too long,

I always knew what to expect

eventually and now I've accepted it.

I just can't leave the people I care about any longer.

When I was a child,

I wanted to be many things,

pursue various paths,

do what I wanted, no, what others wanted.

I am not a puppet, but was made one by their

questions and expectations.

I made many mistakes,

I have many regrets,

these are just a few stories from then

when I knew what happiness was until I started falling

in and out of it and IT started then,

these things I do.

I was a child,

I was many things,

I was innocent,

I am none of these things now,

but I still want to go back and stay at the same

time.

When I was a child,

the future told me its secrets that were in store for my life.