Khwezikazi
The walk from the doors of the palace and towards the garden where Saneles mother is seated at is daunting i don't know how the hell I am going to pretend that I am still happily married when the marriage doesn't exist at all and at that same time it would be unfair of her to say that she doesn't know the damage the decision that she's making for the sake of her throne has done to my marriage, what it is continuing to put me through and what I have lost at the hands of it.
I can't pretend and act like I am okay because she knows how I truly feel inside but my aunt doesn't, my family doesn't and the last thing I want is them up my ass about this break up, I am not ready for aunt Juli's judgment, Saneles elders,the media and the rest of the family having to treat me like I have embarrassed their brother yet again, the last thing I need is shit from those people. I am struggling to keep my head up and I am barely surface level, i am drowning every day I wake up and i realize that the man I love, the one person that's made my life more than what it was is gone because of a decision that I made, and it is difficult having to live by that decision,If he he had been the one the suggest a break up I'd feel a little better because I'd say that I didn't ask for it, but I did and now I have to live by it until such a point where is has to be made public and i am not ready for any of it.
"Khwezi, Juli I am so excited to have you here."
Saneles mother giddly approaches us gorgeous features, pale skin, a beautiful smile and that soothing aura that she always seems to have.
She embraces my aunt before she moves to hug me. She squeezes me tightly for a really long while before she gives my arms a gentle rub as she stares at me, soft eyes and everything.
"It's good to see you again."
She says as she now gives my cheek a gentle caress and I give her a small nod, restraining every bit of emotion inside of me so I won't show her the amount of pain I am under but with the same way that she is staring at me, she knows, she knows exactly what I am going through, she sees the familiar look of pain in my eyes the same look that she gave me when she told me about her own experience of what she's had to sacrifice for her marriage and it's throne, but I am not her, I love her son, with all of my heart, without a doubt but I am not her, I refuse to be her.
"It's good seeing you too mah..."
I tell her and she gives me another hug before she leans away and she looks at my aunt who's been quiet for the first time in her life and she leads us further into the palace with her arm locked inside of mine.
"So I have asked the chef to prepare all sorts of pastries and her famous cheese cake which I hope you will enjoy as much as I have."
She says as we now take a seat in the garden where it's beautifully decorated and fully caterd with all sorts of food like she had said and for a good minute I grow hungry because I haven't had an appetite but I certainly do now.
"So I heard about your brother, how is he holding up ?"
Saneles mother ask when we start to settle down on the table while one of the helpers helps plate up her breakfast.
Aunt juli sighs while she shakes her head and she dips her teabag in and out of her cup.
"Haih, ubuti wami Nkosi yami... this sickness has taken away so much from him its so painful having to watch him go through something like this, something so tragic... he doesn't deserve this."
She says and Saneles mother only shakes her head at her.
"I am sorry to hear that sisi, and I hope you know that if there's anything that you might need we are always available to help we are family after all."
"I will keep that in mind, thank you for your kind Ness... I think the people back home would be happy to see the support coming from the Gumede family."
"Mmhm... and Khwezi, wena unjani sisi ?"
She asks finaly grabbing my attention again and look at her and i just give her a small shrug.
"I am just taking it one day at a time mah."
I tell her and she stares at me for quiet sometime with that very soft stare that she gave me when we got here.
