Stacy.
The grovel road to the family farm house is ten kilometers long and highly uncomfortable because it's hurting my already bruised pelvic floor and I've already told Siyanda to drive carefully but there still isn't any relief from the bumps, I still don't know why dad hasn't fixed these roads yet and it's also not his concern that I've chosen the worst time to get pregnant again but I am dying in painful vagina.
I told Siyanda that i won't be letting him get me pregnant again any time soon,I love him to bits and I love that our little family is growing but I just need a break from baby Making for a change and I need to rid myself of this mother Mary cloud that I have over me, the treatment that everybody gives me simply because I am pregnant and I am still "new" and more since what happened that day I ended up in the ER. They all keep treating me like I would break at some point, they hide things from me and they never tell me things in details, they always try to "make me comfortable" or make sure that baby and I are "doing okay", Siyanda sends a nurse to our house every single day just to make sure that the baby is in fact okay, and I think he's doing this so I don't feel guilty again like I felt when I had Melo that it would eat me alive had we found out that he wasn't okay, but to be honest, i am struggling to connect with this baby because of all of this, I have been for a while now and I feel guilty about it too.
With Melo it was instant, I was shocked as he had come unexpected I had every reason to fear him in that moment but that wasn't the case, as soon as I realised what had come out of me that day I had this sense or a need to nurture and to care for him and to love him too without a doubt, but with this one, I am finding it so hard to connect with them for some reason but I want to and I hate myself for not feeling any connection towards this little human that's growing inside of me and I fear that this might even carry on to when I eventually give birth, I don't want to be that mother that treats their children unequally and in my defense this is actually the first pregnancy that I am actually present for,seeing the baby growing inside of me, feeling for kicks and having to change a lot of things about myself just for this baby. Seeing myself transition into being a mother properly is what makes this more real. With Melo, I felt like the world had robbed me of that experience but now that I finally have it I am struggling to welcome it I am struggling to find my balance. At times it feels overwhelming looking at the fact that I am a new mother to an eight month old now, I cry a lot whenever i feel like I am not doing enough ontop of having to go through the changes that are happening in my body, I thought that I was ready for another baby but as times goes on I realise that I am not as ready as I thought I was and I am struggling to keep up that act that I am pregnant and happy and I can't wait for this baby when really I am suffering inside.
Siyanda parks the car in the drive way and he turns the engine off before he looks at me and he gives me a mild concerned stare and I only stare back at him too.
"What's wrong ?"
He asks me as he now reaches to gently caress my hair back as his beautiful dark brown eyes rake all over my features.
"Nothing I was just thinking, that's all..."
"That doesn't sound good."
He says and I give him a mild smile before I shake my head at him and I glance back at Melo in the back seat who's obliviously staring out into farm veld, eating away at his chubby fingers.
"It just depends on how you look at it...."
"Okay..."
He says as he pulls his hand back but I pull it back to me again and I hold it inside of both my hands and he gives them a little squeeze as I place our hands on my lap now.
"Do you think that Khwezi and your brother might get back together again ?"
I ask him and he looks away from me and he releases a sigh.
"I don't know ... ive tried not meddle in their business lately... the last time I spoke to Sanele it didn't end well between us that he eventually ran of to Switzerland."
