Khwezikazi
It's just a visit right ? We're just going in there and we're just going to see him and we're going back out it's nothing big nothing complicated, we just have to stand tall and show him that we have no fear for him, we don't fear him anymore atleast that's what my therapist said that it's necessary to do this before baby arrives, confront every one of my childhood traumas starting with him and yes I am in therapy, I have been since before that whole divorce debacle on the yatch happened, so I've been doing double the work, I've been forced to since I've also had to stop my booty calls with Tlhabane and I didn't even give him a full explanation which he didn't fight me about, he understood that it was just sex between us, I only told him that I am expecting and I wanted to focus on that.
I only see my therapist once a week, which is good for me, I only need to talk about my problems once a week, plus I need to get psychiatric clearance before they can release Nikiwe into Nkululeko and i's custody who's still held up in Ghana and doing this process has actually made it more real for me that she's infact coming back home to me after all those years.
I brush my sweaty palms over my cottage dress and I pull open the door to my car and I step out.
I've been to prison a few times visiting clients here and there but I can never shake of the feeling I get when I walk in here, this dark dark feeling that weighs over me, the atmosphere alon has always made me feel uncomfortable, many innocent souls imprisoned and many many guilty ones which makes it so dark at that same time that there are people who are in there that don't deserve this but nothing can be done all in the name of justice.
I get to the entrance where I put my hand bag at a locker room, leaving all of my stuff in there and they give me a small sheet that has the code to the locker printed on it and a tag that says "visitor" to place on my dress and they lead me inside to the infirmary. By this point my heels are aching and I have been walking for what feels like a while now until we get to a ward where I suppose is where he has been kept. The prison warder stands outside of the door and he tells me to go in and I do.
I open the door and immediately i am met with a pungent smell of all sorts of hospital scents.
There's only two patients in this ward and one is seated with a pastor who is my father and their both cuffed to their beds. The patient laying on the bed infront of my father's is unconscious and Baba is just laying on the bed frail, skinny and silent and incredibly old while the pastor prays on him. I can't deny that He's no longer that strong willed man he used to be all those years ago, he's become something that he'd feard he'd become. If there's one thing that he'd always been afraid of is being helpless, old and helpless.
I stand at the feet of the bed and I look at him as he finishes of his prayer with the pastor and the find me stood here he struggles to raise his head to look at me so I step closer and I Stand closer to him now and I stare down at him, silently and I just feel sorry for him. His face goes from struggling to that of great joy when he sees me.
The pastor stands up to give us privacy.
"Sawubona Baba."
[Hy dad.]
I start as I take my seat next to him because I can't bare to stand anymore, I've done enough of that. He smiles at me like he's seeing something that's brought incredible joy to him.
"The lord is good."
He says as he stares up at the ceiling and he smiles and he sighs.
"Thank you lord."
He says once again before he looks at me.
"I prayed about this, together with the people from the prison ministry we prayed that you'd find it in your heart to come and see me."
What the hell is this? Are they playing mind games on me ? When did he turn into ikholwa? When did this happen ?
