Katlego.
The shaking from my hand stops as soon as I reach for my arm again in attempt to calm it down and I release a sigh while Letho continues to wail his lungs out in the living room area.
I can barely even reach him because ive become so weak these days I struggle to even pick him up, my sickenes has gotten progressively worse and it's clear that my body is already starting to show some withdrawal signs from the Injections I've been administering for these past few months. I thought that I could do this by myself for the past two months but it's been made clear that I can't do this alone anymore, I've tried and I am barely even succeeding and it sucks.
I walk myself over to Letho on the floor on his tummy time mat and I pick him up into my arms I place him on my lap and he quiets down with the crying now. He's so pink and little red lines had already formed between his eyes just from the crying alone.
"It's okay, mommys here."
I soflty say to him as I brush up against his cheeks and he goes silent now just patiently staring into my eyes while a stray tear slides down the side of his face.
We moved into this apartment almost two months ago now I thought that our lives would begin to get better and for a moment our lives did, I was securing job interviews in the neighboring cities which was perfect because we live in the city too now so commuting wouldn't be a hassle, i had everything planned out for when I eventually got a job, I found nice day care centers around and even started to look for a car that could get us from point A to point B, I signed up for reformer palates just so i can kick back to my pre partum body. Things had started to look up for the both of us but at the back of my mind I knew that time wasn't exactly on my side and that's one thing that I've dreaded since I got sick, I am the only person that Letho has and I have been contemplating getting in contact with my uncle again since I dumped my mother on them but who knows how long I'd be gone for and how long it would take me to bounce back to health again and between now and my recovery what would happen to Letho all this time alone with my family.
Their good people but more so my uncle but I wrote them off when they dumped me with my alcohol mother alone and none of them wanted to help.
He starts to babble again now when I've carrasssed and kissed his love sickness away, happily like he didn't just make me crawl all the way down here and I smile at this and he smiles at me too now, milk teeth, drool, handsomeness chubbyness and everything, I just love him so much.
I've been trying to get him to say mama now for so long that everytime he starts his little public speaking he would wait for him to slip up and say mama but he's never done such till now. I love watching him grow and I love seeing his little personality grow as well he's just this little buzz of energy that brings happiness into my life that I sometimes forget that I am barely keeping up and makes me forget about my biggest fear, that I too might fail him one day.
I know that with my health becoming this bad I'll have to contact the Gumedes for help their the only people that I know will take good care of Letho but I worry about if they will let me take him away again once I am good, the only reason that haven't come knocking at my door is because I've tried so hard to keep our location a secret but I know that once they've decided into fully investing in this search they will find us, there's no place under the sun that Sanele can't track it's almost too scary to think about. The things he's capable of doing... I can't even explain it.
I leave him on the floor and I knock back my medication just to gain some strength back and I finish making his soft serve pumpkin intime for his feed because I've started introducing solids to his meals now and we are alternating between milk and solids, i stopped breast feeding when Introduced solids.
