Khwezikazi.
I park my car infront of the gate hoping that I am not at the wrong place.
The house looks the same it's just the yard thats different, the trees have grown bigger and the plot looks even bigger I knew it to be, the land looks healthy and the atmosphere feels the same way that it used to feel when I was only a little girl who used to make mud cakes all summer long in this very same sand.
I see little girls playing hop scotch bare foot with huge smiles on their faces and dry legs while others play skipping rope and the boys play street soccer way beyond the girls and for a second I miss this and I miss the feeling of being young again, no burdens from the world.
I get out of the car and I head into the yard through the small gate into the yard and towards the house, they still leave it open during
The day.
I hesitate a little when I get to the door and i try to ready myself for what I am about to do as a Familiar feeling of rejection comes over me, the trauma of having to put yourself out there only to be met by harsh response.
I knock on the door three times before stepping back on the porch and I wait for any response.
I hear her voice telling me that she's going to attend to the door from deep inside of the house and her foot steps finally move towards the door and my heart pounds inside of my ears as fear starts to kick in now.
I haven't seen this woman in almost fifteen years and neither has she seen my mother. Her relationship with my mother was rocky but I knew that they loved each other and I knew that she loved me but ever since made the decision to choose between her family and him and she made the irreversible decision to choose him , I never saw my mother's family again and I was only ten years old at the time, I didn't see her at my mother's funeral but I heard that she was there along with my cousins and Bab Nldovu and it hurt to hear that they didn't come and look for me now that I was alone, maybe they didnt do that because they weren't interested in getting involved with us again.
I start to panick when she gets near the door as this becomes all too real and I quickly turn around and I head towards the car again, maybe this was a mistake, I shouldn't have come here.
"Khwezi."
She shouts and I stop in my tracks, by that time i am already half down the driveway.
"Khwezi."
She calls out again when I don't turn around until I finally do and my eyes meet hers across the yard. I see the confusion and uncertainty dissappear from her eyes as she realises that she was right, that it is infact me and she covers her lips as her features start to turn sad and I don't know what to do now.... do I stand here or do I continue walking ?
She climbs down the porch in her voluptuous figure and all and she walks to me eyes red and everything.
"It is you..."
She says as she shakes her head as her eyes move all over my features and she stretches her hand and she pulls it back not sure if she should touch me just yet as she holds back her tears from her slightly wrinkled eye lids but she still manages to pull of a younger person's look and she looks so much like my mother.
"After so many years...."
She says more like to herself now and a tears finally falls down her cheek and all this time I have said nothing, waiting for rejection again but instead she holds my face between her palms and she gently caresses my cheeks as she takes in my features and she starts to smile.
"It is you.... your really here."
She says as she releases a small chuckle and she wraps her arms around me tightly and I wrap my arms around her still trying to figure out how to class my emotions.
Am i happy that she's happy to see me ? Or
Am I sad to see how much Joy me being here is giving her ?
Or am just dealing with so much trauma that I Just can't make sense of my emotions anymore or...
This could just be a feeling of relief... relief that I am getting to see her again, still healthy and alive and that she doesn't seem to be rejecting me, yes, maybe that's it. She doesn't seem to be rejecting me just yet.
