Khwezikazi.
I rub on my waist as i stuff the rest of my dress between my legs as I close my eyes when another contraction hits me and I feel my body start to shake from the pain.
It doesn't help that everybody in this room stares at me in fear and I don't blame them, their scared and so am I.
I've given birth before but never with this much pain.
It's been almost five hours since we've been locked in this room and five hours since all of that commotion started, it's almost sunset and Anele kept the kids busy by playing them a movie in the small lounge that's in this hut, the only thing dividing us from them is the wall behind the bed.
The palace grounds are quiet but it still doesn't mean that it's safe for us to come out and I haven't asked Stacy anymore questions about what she said but all I've gotten out of this is that Mandlas mother is dead that I know for sure.
Stacy pulls me up from the bed when the fuzziness from my contraction clears up and there's blood on the bed. She leads me into a bathtub filled with Luke warm water and she advises me to stand on my knees with my dress pulled up over my lower half.
I try to be as quiet as I can so I won't scare the kids so much but its so difficult keeping composure in this situation, Sanele is supposed to be here with me and we were supposed to have figured out where we're standing before this baby arrives, I am still dead beat from my half siblings and I am still dealing with my father's hauting whenever I am not with Sanele and I want it to stop, I haven't met Nikiwe yet and I still don't know if I love my job anymore, I don't know what's happening with my life, I am still a hot mess yet I am bringing another baby into it, my mother was a hot mess and she's caused me so much trauma that I cant live past... she was young when she had me very young and neither did she know what love is but what she did do is try to when that man wasn't doing the worst to her.
I don't know what I want to name him but I know that I love him,more than anything he's a symbol of how strong I am and how capable I am but I am not ready, i still have a lot to fix a lot to figure out and I wanted to bring him out into a world of peace and I knew what I wanted out of my life what I wanted for myself, my purpose, I wanted him to know me and not the person I've been all along to myself, he doesn't deserve this. Sanele seems to have his shit figured out, his triggers his demons everything, maybe he's the better parent right now.
I look at Stacy as she rubs my back and a tears falls down my cheeks along with the rest of my sweat and I squeeze her other hand.
"I am not ready Stace."
I whisper to her and she moves closer to me and she stares into my eyes.
"It's just the anxiety talking, your going to be an amazing mother."
She whispers back and I look away from her I sway side to side trying to ease off the pressure below me.
"What was the first thing that you did when Melo was in your arms ?"
I ask her and she just shakes her head at me and she shrugs her shoulders.
"I cried."
She says and I continue to stare at her in silence while she now runs water down my bare and hot arm and she strains water from a cloth and she places it on my forehead dabbing away at my sweat and she looks at me again still not stopping at the attempt of getting me to cool down.
I love this woman.
"I cried so much it scared him too... Siyanda found me with him in my arms so scared I didn't even know what to do... I didn't even know I wanted him until those nurses took him away from me ,in his absence that's when I knew how much I loved him and how much I'd be willing to sacrifice for him just so he'd be okay."
She says as she brushes back on my weave, exactly like how she does with Melo.
"And what was Siyandas reaction to finding you with a baby in your arms ?"
"He wasn't suprised, he definitely handled it way better than i did."
