Khwezikazi.
I kick my feet inside of the water as I take another sip of my wine... I am on my sixth glass this evening and I don't plan on stopping Thanks to Tlhabanes generously filled cellar, it's quiet clear that he and Katlego loved collecting alcohol and i don't think that they collected it for drinking but rather as souvenirs and right now I don't care about souvenirs i care about the contents inside although it is quiet tasty to be honest.
It's been two months now since I've been living in Tlhabanes house and this has been the loneliest two months ever, I never thought that I would go ahead with this break up but I did and here I am now dealing with the repercussions, Sanele and I haven't spoke since the morning I packed my stuff and I moved out of the penthouse, he wanted me to keep living in there but I told him that I didn't want anything that would remind me of him and that alone was enough to back him off of me and I realised just how deep this is, I was leaving the man I love with no certainty that I might ever get back with him. Our elders don't know and we haven't really spoken on how we plan on going on about this but giving each other space is the first step giving our marriage this space is what we both need.
I feel like and addicts battling withdrawal symptoms yet again, I am having Sanele withdrawal symptoms and I day withdrawals because now I realise how much of his love was addictive. If we weren't being toxic towards each other we were loving each other in the most amazing way in a way that felt like completed. Sanele had his flaws lots and lots of them but one thing I know is that he loved me with all of his heart and this split is something that none of us would have considered but had we stayed together we would have killed ourselves one way or the other, one of us was going to die and Sanele was already on that verge and sadly so was I.
Suicide is a big word but this was something that I thought could salvage me from this life of constant pain. The last time I remember being genuinely happy without any remnants of pain was the birth of my daughter. I was happy I had forgotten that I had no home to get back to after that, Baba had kicked me out and told me never to come back but I was happy regardless, very scared, incredibly scared, I was fourteen and I didn't know what I would do with a baby but I was happy, in that moment she was my little light at the end of the tunnel, I had hope again, as tired as I was from the labor I had never felt more alive...
I still cry myself to sleep and I still crymyself till sunrise at times and I still had to show up at work. And with my little to no motivation to do anything I've missed out on all the big cases that could have given me a big break in my career deliberately because I did not want to emerse and drown myself in something that I wasn't sure I'd be able to see through in the end. Since then I've had to feel every horrible emotion inside of me and it feels like I'm slowly slipping back into my old habits. Every evening I raid the wine cellar and I order take out and I won't even speak on Faye, things are literally so bad that my baby has had to take care of herself at times simply because I haven't had the energy to get out of bed sometimes, when I can I drag myself out of bed and fill her bowls to the brim so I don't have to worry about her getting hungry before retreating back into bed and simply just staring into space wondering how did I end up here, in a Beautiful Hamptons style home with my husband's sons nursery haunting me every night I walk past it. It is literally a room away from mine and it is gorgeous but I locked it up a couples of days ago, I couldn't keep doing that to myself, I'll call a staging company to come and stage the room but for now, I've decided to keep it locked and above all of that Busi has been asking me when I am coming to see our father and each time I've come up with an excuse but with everything that's happening maybe seeing Baba is where everything needs to start but I am still too broken to focus on anything I am still too broken to focus on other people at the moment, I am completely alone, everybody who I thought that they had cared about me has abandoned me and left me by myself. Their his family but at some point Id like to think that they had cared about me too as much as I had cared about them and this breaks my heart at times ontop of that the only person that I couldve turned to I've disrespected beyond and it's moments like this that make me feel like maybe it was a blessing that Baba took Nikiwe away from me, what would I have done with her throughout all of this imagine the trauma I would have put her through, I would have permanently damaged her the same way my parents damaged me. Sometimes I keep thinking about how our life would have been but it's moments like these where I struggle to imagine how our life would have been...how was I going to explain Saneles and i's break up to her how was I going to explain this ? I wonder what Katlego is going to tell Letho once he's grown older how is she going to explain everything that's happened.
