Khwezikazi.
As soon as I make sure that Susie is out of the house I stare back at Faye who stares at me like she wasn't the cause for all of this mess.
I move past her and I go to the kitchen to chug down some pain killers for my headache before I move onto the bathroom to freshen up while I try to think of what I should do with this Sanele being in jail dilemma but I then again remember who we are dealing with here, this man can get himself out of any sticky situation.
As soon as I am done I return back to the mess that I had not even bothering to wipe the blood from the couch, i don't have the energy to do anything right now I just want to sit and try and get the world to quiet down around me too much is happening and it's happening all too quick for me. Fourty eight hours ago now I was lying in a park alone without a Care in the world about what's about to happen to me or this marriage and now I am sitting here with a part of me hoping that we can fix what's broken... sitting here searching for hope, looking to see hope.
But why am I still here ?
I pull one of the throw blankets on the couch and I place it at my thighs before I lie down again on the couch fetal position and then I pass out again finding my little escape from reality with Fay tucked under my armpit now so she doesn't slip away and send messages to our nosy neighbors I hope that when I wake up I will have the courage to face everything head on and be able to figure things out for myself. There's a lot of things that are happening at the moment that make my body physically hurt. I can't believe the fact that Baba is dying without ever telling me what the hell he's done to my child without me ever getting justice for all that he's done to me without ever freeing myself fully of all the pain he's caused me. I haven't forgiven him for being the reason why my mother is dead today, I haven't forgiven him for what he's done to her too and I can't seem to forgive my siblings for letting all of this happen to us and still sit by his death bed at the end of it all.
A part of me wishes that the second I hear about his death I will be relieved of all of this bad luck I will be rid of all of this heavy weight that's on me and maybe start to accept certain things maybe start to forgive myself as well.
Maybe I need to be by myself, I need to let myself heal fully. I thought that three months by myself would do me good but three years cannot reverse eleven years worth of damage, our marriage cannot fix eleven years worth of trauma and love alone is not enough to piece me back to the person i was before all of this, Saneles acceptance of what I've become... it won't fix any of this and the situation that we've found ourselves in, the situation that he's put me in, it's too much for me to not walk away from, it's too much for me to be doing this to myself, I need to let go of him.
I saw the confliction in his eyes, from the moment I walked through those doors and from the moment he put me in a position to choose...
I told him that I wouldn't be able to make him choose because I want him and Letho to be happy and twenty fours hours later I was begging him to choose me but I realise now that that should have never been an option if he truly knew what he wanted, but the sad part ?
He's already made his decision, his heart is just struggling to catch up to it.
The ding from the elevator wakes me up and I rub my eyes as I stare at the foyer to see Sanele undress his watch on the small bookshelf on the foryer and he walks into the living area.
He sits down next to me and I sit up next to him as we both stare at each other as sadness comes over me again.
"I'm really sorry I got you into this."
I start and he shakes his head at me.
"Non of that matters anymore... Stacy is in the ER as we speak... her blood pressure spiked after leaving here..."
He says and I look away from him and I run my hand down my face.
