KHWEZIKAZI.
"Hey we came as soon as we heard."
Kabo says as she enters my house with Tshego and their sister inlaw and they have bags of woolies inside of their hands and they wrap me in warm hugs and gentle brushes.
Kabo is dressed in her maxi dress and a bare face with a doek around her head looking like a true Zulu makoti and Tshego is also dressed in her own maxi dress but only shorter and she looks like she might explode any minute. Her pregnancy has been dragging and at this point she might just hit ten months pregnant and she looks very beat down, how she got to KZN in this state I do not know and I don't envy her, I hope Saneles child makes it snappy I don't want to be abused by pregnancy too.
She waddles herself into the kitchen and she looks into the bags and she brings out a packet of chips which she opens immediately and she starts stuffing her mouth.
"How are you doing?"
Kabo asks as she walks back towards me now with this soft stare in her eyes.
"I am okay... relieved... and maybe a little sad but I am okay."
I lie.
She gives me a small nod before she reaches for another hug and I welcome it.
"You'll be okay, I know that you guys didn't have the best relationship but, it's okay if you feel way more hurt than your supposed to, he was still your father."
If only you knew that I am the one that killed that man.
I still see him, wide eye and still, his soulless eyes as the nurse pulled them to close. She didn't ask a lot of questions she just said that she wasn't suprised that he hadn't died sooner with the state that he was in but I keep wondering if she suspected anything but I hope that she didn't, because I don't feel bad for what I did, he deserved it but the blood on my hands that I saw when I knocked on Saneles door keep me up at night, I scream waking up in the middle of the night dreaming of that awful event, holding down the pillow down his face and when I pull it away I see me instead, life less and still. In a way I feel like that dream is not completely off because I do feel like a part of me died that day, I killed my own father, yes he abused me and yes justice had prevailed in the end but I snatched that justice from my hands, I gave him the easy way out, I wanted him to suffer and wake up every day in that prison being reminded of what he had done, but he just had to go and push my buttons like that and now, I'll never get the satisfaction of knowing that he had payed for what he had done, but above anything, I just hope he burns in hell... I will deal with my guilt and I feel better also knowing that aunt Juli is also in jail paying for it all as well,atleast that gives me consolation that somebody is paying for my pain.
"I know but I don't, I am okay."
I tell her and she gently brushes my arms and she smiles at me before going back to the kitchen and she goes back to unwrapping the bags and I approach them too again and I put my hands on the counter and I watch her move about my kitchen like it's her own home.
They don't ask about the house instead they make themselves comfortable and that's honestly one thing that I've kind of missed since breaking up with these people, how they show up when someone is not okay and how Kabo just has this super ability to warm up the space with her presence like she is now, she just has this motherly aura inside of her that heals something In me at times.
"How's Siya... Sanele told me that he's awake."
I ask and she pauses for a little bit from opening a box of what looks like Chai tea and she stares at me for a little bit like this thought had never crossed her mind and then this sad look in her eyes dashes across her eyes,so slight and so quickly before she smiles and she goes back to opening her box of tea.
