An Odd Sunshine

Epilogue

Sino ang mag-aakala. Binigyan lang kami ng dalawang araw para maranasan iyong bagay na magpapasaya sa amin. Binigyan lang ako ng ilang linggo para makaramdam ng saya kasama siya. Binigyan lang ako ng isang buwan ng mayroong siya.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko matanggap. Naiisip kong nasa kung saan lang siya rito sa Pilipinas, may inaasikaso para sa pangarap niya.

Sa totoo lang, wala na akong pakealam kung isumpa ako ng mga tao dahil sa galit na nararamdaman ko para sa mga magulang niya. Tatanggapin ko't ayos lang na isumpa nila akong lahat. Ayos lang, matagal na akong may sumpa kahit wala pa akong ginagawa sa mundo. Ayos na ayos lang sa akin.

Walang umaga, walang tanghali, hapon o gabing lumipas na hindi pumatak ang luha ko para sa kaniya.

Wala ng pahinga ang utak ko kakaisip.

Totoo, galit ako sa mga magulang niya, pero galit din ako sa sarili ko.

Hindi man nila sinasabi nang deretso sa mukha ko, alam kong ako ang sinisisi ng lahat. Na ako ang dahilan, ako ang rason kung bakit ginawa niya iyon sa sarili niya.

Alam ko...

Alam kong hindi ako ang rason. Naniniwala akong hindi ako ang rason.

Pero, hindi ko maiwasang isipin.

Paano kung ako nga?

Paano kung kami ang naging dahilan?

Siguro nga'y kami talaga.

Tinapos niya ang lahat-lahat nang malaman niyang buntis ako.

Sobrang sakit.

Gustong-gusto ko ng sumuko.

Gustong-gusto ko na.

Pero, ayokong sayangin itong pagkakataong may magiging maliit na kagaya niya.

Siya lang ang iniwan niyang alaala para sa akin.

Kaya gusto ko ring magpakatatag.

Gusto kong bumangon ulit, pero ang hirap.

Ganoon pa man, ito ako. Nag-iisang nakatingin sa puntod niya.

"Hi, love." wala pa man, pero nagsisimula nang lumuha ang mga mata ko. "Gusto ko na lang matulog dito kasama ka." hinawakan ko ang urn niya, ito na lang ang paraan para mahawakan siya ulit. "Four months na si baby, gusto mo ba malaman gender niya?" tawa ko, "Alam kong alam mo na. Kahit konti lang 'yung naging time natin, at least may remembrance ka, 'di ba?" tawa ko ulit sabay singhot. "Okay lang kami ni baby junior, inaasikaso rin kami ni ate Trisha. Safe na safe kami sa kaniya kaya 'wag kang mag-alala. Tinatago rin kami ni ate Trisha sa parents mo, kapag naging maayos na lahat, siguro do'n kami magpapakita. Sinabi sa 'kin ni ate Trisha lahat-- lahat tungkol sa 'yo. Alam kong pagod ka na sa kakaisip, sa kakasubok na i-solve 'yung mga problema. Kaya magpahinga ka na."

Mamimiss ko lahat ng galaw niya, iyong pagsasalita at pagtrato niya sa akin-- lahat ng iyon ay hahanap-hanapin ko. Kahit pa iyong pagtawag niya sa akin mula sa C.R. para bigyan siya ng bagong tissue. Kung paano nagiging konektado ang mga kilay niya kapag naiinis. Iyong mga mata niyang ngumingiti. Iyong pag-alalay niya sa akin-- lahat tungkol sa kaniya ay hahanap-hanapin ko.

Tanggap kong wala na akong magagawa. Siya na mismo ang may gusto nito. Siya ang nagdesisyon nito para sa sarili niya, pero umaasa akong darating ang araw na magkikita kami at magsasama habang buhay. Iyong wala ng sakit at wala ng mga taong mananakit sa amin dahil sa mundo lang namin iikot ang lahat.

Rysen's POV

Living with a complete family yet felt incomplete would never be a dream for anyone. A family where there would be shortcomings after shortcomings. It had never been great.

Genes play a huge role in the development of a child. And takot akong magka-anak with this kind of family, with these kinds of genes. Mahirap ipaliwanag, pero parang buong mundo 'yung nakatutok sa bawat galaw mo kahit nasa bahay lang.

The sad part, they would make you feel guilty over something they were obligated to do. You cannot dream, unless it's to their liking.

Like, why?

The first time I saw Joyce was when Trish and I parked in front of the convenience store for a short period of time.

It wasn't a busy night, there were no customers as well, and she was probably tired, thus she turned on the music and began singing while working.

I don't know. Her aura spoke to me from that moment.

She was actually the reason why I told my sister to meet me at the convenience store instead of her heading straight to my home.

Iba siya sa mga babaeng nakapaligid sa 'kin. At first, akala ko wala na 'yung mga babaeng gano'n sa music at sa trabaho. I thought women have become so cranky and loud with no sense of wisdom and respect towards others.

I found her, though.

My bed, pillows and car were the only things that gave me comfort. With my family situation and all that, I never really anticipated a stranger could give me comfort, too.

When we came to the club because of Drene, I got nervous.

Akala ko wala na 'kong chance sa kaniya because of Drene. I guess, destiny just loved seeing me nervous over nothing.

Nu'ng sinabihan ko siyang parang ligaw na pusa, 'di ko lang nagustuhan 'yung nakita ko sa kaniya. I hated seeing those bruises on her skin that I became so upset. I wanted to know who did that to her and why.

Unannounced visits became my pet peeve when I sprinted down the stairs to alert the boys of the new scandal while she was sitting on the couch. I found myself constantly asking the boys if someone would come over or something from then on. Parang sa tingin ko, nakita niya na 'kong nakahubad dahil do'n.

Pero 'yung magkita sila ni Drene, maging close sila ni Tripp-- it was like the starting point of everything and the sign of the universe that she was for me.

I stalked her, bagay na ginagawa ng mga tao when they got curious about a certain person. Mine was kinda creepy, though. Pero the rest were aligned with how I pictured them to be.

It was nice of me to guard her from a far, to be there when something bad happened because of Louie. But, up until now, 'di ko pa napapatawad 'yung sarili ko for crossing the line that night. It was such a stupid mistake of mine. And she was an angel to be so forgiving to me. Sobrang nandiri ako sa sarili ko, kaya gusto kong bumawi sa kaniya.

Parang kaya ko ngang magsulat ng buong story. Kay Joyce lang umiikot and sa kaniyang point of view lang. It would be the only way to make her feel understood. Para rin malaman ng lahat how strong, kind and unique her traits were despite what she'd been through since she was young.

"How long have you been together?"

Dad's hands were shaking, he was pointing at me. He was on his wheelchair as I was looking up to him from the living area.

I might get stiff neck from this, but the second floor was his area.

"Matagal na, dad. Ayoko nang magsayang ng isa pang year on something I don't like." I took the keys from my pocket, placing them on the table. "These are the keys to the house."

"Sure ka na ba sa pangarap mong 'yan?" mom intervened, as if threatening me, standing next to dad. "'Wag kang bumalik dito begging us to reclaim you. You've only tasted a little bit of freedom and there you are, having the mindset of an airy-minded person, thinking you can conquer the world with that weapon." napangisi na lang ako. I wanted to laugh so hard. "You cannot survive without any support from us, Rysen."

"I can and I will."

Sa lahat ng sinabi nila, 'yon lang ang gusto kong patunayan. Na kaya kong mabuhay mag-isa without them.

For as long as Joyce would stay beside me, kaya kong gawin lahat for her and for us both. Siya na lang meron ako, ngayon hanggang sa dulo, si Joyce lang.

A smile formed on my lips as I was walking out of the house.

Finally, I could taste freedom and peace, with someone who gives unconditional love.