Double Sided Tracks

Concrete Barriers

Lewis startled himself awake, the house was quiet. They were staying in the house they rented in Bora Bora, away from the F1 centric Monaco, during the two week break. Staying here is the least Lewis could do for Nora and Isaac, after the busy race weekend.

Lewis is trying so hard, and he could see Nora is trying as well. Trying to do what, he's not sure. It just feels like they're constantly trying to meet in the middle, but both of them don't know which direction to go.

Sometimes he could see flickers of anger and hatred from Nora whenever the PR team approached her to tell how she should act or how she should "handle" Isaac. She'd immediately wrap her hands around Isaac tighter, smile and nod though he could see through her. Lewis would say "come on guys," occasionally when he thinks they're crossing a line. He knows it's not enough, he should be able to shield them away from everything.

He had told Nora before Isaac came along that she is his life, that racing will come second. When Isaac came along, racing got a permanent spot on the back burner. Nothing else mattered. But sometimes racing comes too fast and snags those moments away from Nora and Isaac. Then life became too fast to even come back and fix those snatched moments.

Lewis smiled when he found them by the pool, cuddling on the lounge chair. She has one hand wrapped around him and one hand holding a book above them.

"Having fun?" he asked, Nora nodded with a smile. Lewis gently cards his fingers through Isaac's hair, who seems ready to have his morning nap. He gently picked him up once he sat himself down beside Nora, laying him across his lap. "Are you ready for a little snooze?" he asked Isaac who only stared at him with heavy eyelids. Nora is watching them with a smile, the book was set down on her stomach.

"Want to take out the boat?" He asked, it's a yacht but he hates saying yacht like he's a pretentious asshole. "We can set up a cot so Isaac can sleep there?"

"Sounds good. I'll make some food," Nora said, already sitting up. She gave Isaac a quick kiss on his forehead then made her way inside, leaving Lewis and Isaac outside.

Lewis sighed. He could see that she's unhappy, it's not the fact that she has to be present at every race, he knows she loves him and she loves supporting him. It's the fact that Ferrari decided for her, took her options, she couldn't do things on her own terms anymore.

Ferrari is all about legacy and history, some would say they're extreme. That they're basically a cult. The drivers are trained to uphold the team but most importantly, to make sure the name "Ferrari" will never be tainted. Ferrari and everything that is connected to Ferrari. Every single win is taken as a polish that brightens the brand, and every single loss is being hidden and cached.

Having a wife and a son at Ferrari means they're being upheld to the same standard, they need to uphold the team as well.

There are things that Lewis will never forget; their wedding day, Isaac's birth, tracks, strategies, every single podiums, meeting Nora for the first time, knowing he's a father for the first time, and to add to the list; Nora's face when she was told that she has to keep up appearance when they're in season.

"I wish we can stay here forever," Nora said when they're on the boat. Isaac is asleep in the room, Lewis sets up the baby monitor between them before nodding.

"We can," he said, "the car is doing really well, and we might actually have a shot at this–"

"I don't think Ferrari likes me very much," she said all of a sudden.

"–What?"

"I don't think your team likes me," she repeated, he had a feeling she knew he heard. "Or Isaac–" she added.

"Isaac is a toddler–how."

She shrugged, "I spoke to Alexandra." She started, "Charles' girlfriend," she added as if Lewis didn't know and needed the introduction, but he nodded anyway.

"She didn't have to sign anything,"

"Baby– we've talked about this."

She nodded quickly, "yeah, you're right. Sorry— I just," and Lewis felt like the shittiest man alive, for shutting her down, for not trying to at least listen to what she had to say. 

He was about to open his mouth but she shook her head, "no, no. Let's just have a nice vacation," she added with a smile and Lewis wanted to say something when Isaac made a tiny gurgled noise. So he deflect (feels like it's what he's been doing in their relationship, lately), gave her a quick kiss and told her that he'll go check on Isaac.

Some days are better, those days are usually when he's not racing. They're snuggling on the couch, all tangled up, Isaac is sleeping on his cot. They're watching the first Harry Potter but Lewis doesn't think that they're really paying attention.

"What are you thinking?" she asked from under his chin, Lewis kissed the top of her head.

"I'm thinking that I'm so lucky to have this," he said, and he's not lying. There are some days where he stares at himself in the mirror and couldn't understand what he did in his past life that got him a wonderful wife and son. Sometimes he wanted to reach out to all of his exes and apologise for the fact that he told them he's not ready.

Because the truth is, he was never going to be ready unless it's with Nora.

"What are you thinking?" he asked after Nora tightened his arms around her. It's like their own little games, like their own little I-spy. Each has to offer their thoughts, no matter how silly it is.

"I'm thinking what to cook for dinner," she said cheekily and Lewis knew she's teasing him. "I'm glad you're my husband," she said softly.

"I love you sweetheart," he said.

"Love you," she said, but she stayed staring at him. Neck craned in an uncomfortable way.

"You're still going to ask what you should make for dinner, huh?" he asked, reading her like a book. She giggled then nodded. "How about I cook?" he offered, he's not the best cook out there but she never complains (except that one time where he burnt through their baked Mac and Cheese to the point of non edible) and tonight seems like a junk food type of night. Since they're watching a movie and all.

Being with Nora is as easy as breathing, that's fact. Loving her is second nature. But, their marriage is still slightly rocky no matter how breathing is an innate talent.

He watches the way her eyelids flutter in the morning, the way the pillow lines mark her cheek. The way her hand had found itself underneath his shirt, nestled on his chest. He knows she likes his warm skin.

When her eyes flutter open, he's smiling, still looking down at her. She looked up right away, aware of being watched. "Hey, creep." She whispered teasingly, "you're watching me sleeping?" she asked as if he had never done that before. He loves her so much.

"Yes, my favourite thing to do in the morning." He said like always, it's so cheesy and borderline cringey. But it always gets the same reaction out of her, she'd scrunch her nose and hide her face in the crook of his neck.

"Flattery will get you everywhere, in fact." She said, giggling.

He holds on her wrist, the one on his chest, for leverage. Then he wraps his arm around her waist so he can flip them over, with him towering over her. They smiled at each other. His chest is so full. He told his therapist once, when they just got back together. How it feels like he's on drugs, like he's always on a  constant edge. But not the nervous kind, just the kind that got him giddy. His therapist looked at him and told him that, it's called love.

Then during the race weekend, or afterwards. Lewis asked himself where did it all go wrong? why did she look so unhappy? why does it feel like they're floating on a different boats.

But those better days outweigh the bad days so much that Lewis never felt the need to have a serious conversation, he does know that what he's doing is like putting concrete barriers on the tracks. It's not meant to stop a crash, it's just meant to slow down the crash by friction.

He knows they're heading towards a crash.

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you think it's going to be all cute with no angst? that's not my style.