Luna Felix

60 | Will I ever Forgive Myself?

The last month was so hard for me. But here I am healed and inspired to write again. 

Anyway, only the last 5 chapters are left. Drop what you would love to see in Epilogue.

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SAD KING POV

Funerals are always a sad affair. But funerals of people you never knew but always wanted to get to know hits somewhere beyond normal grief and regret.

When I see the closed casket of Felix's mother. I was filled with remorse. I saw her brother holding back tears, and her father looking lost. And I knew she would hate herself knowing she wasn't here. Even though it would have been impossible as she still lay asleep in our castle miles away from her home.

And I hate myself a little too, I could have made a gesture to meet her mother. Know more about her childhood. But I was wrapped so much in my own duties, my problems and just me. I always thought we had time.

Today seeing the mass of people in black consoling Alpha West and Flynn, I came to the jarring realization. The grief my adrenaline had buried in order to get Felix back home as soon as possible, resurfaced.

My hands shook even when I clenched them hard. I had almost lost her. That it might be me standing there looking lost instead of Alpha West. That I had lost her there. And that she won't be the same. We won't be the same. And it was my fault. Maybe not completely, but it was mine nonetheless.

I braved through the last few minutes of the funeral service. Standing next to Flynn. Not taking my hand off his shoulder. I thanked everyone who came to the service, along with Alpha West and Flynn.

The words died down when we sat into the car.All three of us drove in silence back to their house.

"How is Felix, Your Majesty?" Alpha West asks his voice horace.

"She is stable now, physically at least. The recovery will be a month or so. Mentally we need to wait when she wakes up." I answered shortly.

He nodded beside me on the passenger seat. He didn't ask for more information and I didn't give him more information either.

"Huxx wanted to be here for the final service too. He sends his apologies and condolences." I tell the father-son duo earnestly.

Huxx was so shocked last night but he surprisingly didn't leave with me. I knew how much my brother feared these moments of sadness so I didn't force him either.

I dropped both of them home. Alpha West left as soon as I parked in front of the house. But I held back Flynn.

"How are you buddy?" I asked as I placed my hands comfortingly on his shoulder.

"I am doing alright, Your Majesty." He said, his voice wavering.

I didn't ask further and just gave the young man a big hug. And it didn't take long for my shirt to get wet with tears. I quietly hugged him and patted his back. Because I didn't have words to say to him. What do you say to a child who lost his mother? A child who saw her old sister battered, bruised and injured less than 24 hours ago?

"We expected this... I should be stronger. But preparing doesn't take away the pain." He mumbled into my shoulder.

"No it doesn't." I answered. As I rubbed his hair. "Look at me Buddy." Once he looked at me, I wiped his tears with my handkerchief, "It's valid to feel lost. It's valid to feel overwhelmed, to cry, to feel anger. No emotion is inferior in the quest of grief and peace, Buddy. And remember you have your happy-happy and me and Huxx and your father. You take care of yourself and your father. Okay?"

He nods strongly. "I know. I know." He gives me another small hug, "You should go back too. Happy-Happy might wake up any hour. And from what I heard from Huxx, there are tons to sort."

This time I nod and step away from him. Walking with a heavy heart towards my car. Just as I was opening the car door, I heard him call me again. I turn around to see him.

Flynn looked at me with a sad smile, "I am no longer disappointed in you. You protected my happy-happy."

I gave him a small smile. It took immense courage to drive away from their house. I parked in a deserted alleyway and broke down crying.

How could he say I protected her? Oh how wrong he was. She protected me. She did everything. I failed her. I tried to bring her back and then her mother-

I stopped my thoughts from going there. I don't know whether it was my request that led to her mother's death or if it's a cruel coincidence. She would never know about it. This guilt is my own to carry.

And I don't know if I will ever come to forgive myself.