Dying Embers

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Six: Pag-iwas

I haven't been able to focus the whole day. Para akong naglalakad sa hangin, half here, half somewhere else. Dumating na 'yong araw na matagal ko nang kinatatakutan, pero hindi sa paraan na inisip ko.

Chance. He's my everything. My light in every dark room. The one who made me see colors in a world I thought was gray. He made me feel things I never thought I could feel. My first in everything — first relationship, first love.

And my first heartbreak... kung dito nga talaga mauuwi ang lahat.

Can I do it? Kaya ko ba talaga?

Pagdating ko sa apartment, parang wala akong lakas na matira. I dropped my bag, kicked off my shoes, and collapsed onto the bed. Ang bigat. Lahat ng sinabi ni Myka paulit-ulit sa utak ko, overlapping with every memory of Chance, his laugh, his tight hugs, the way his eyes softened every time he looked at me.

Hindi ko na alam kung alin sa mga alaala namin ang nagpapagaan o nagpapabigat ng loob ko.

I buried my face in my pillow, trying to stop the tears I'd been holding in all day. Ang bigat-bigat sa dibdib, parang may pumulupot na tali sa puso ko at hinihigpitan nang dahan-dahan. I couldn't shake the thought that maybe I was ruining things for him. That maybe... ako 'yong dahilan kung bakit siya hindi makausad.

Pero 'di ba ito naman 'yong gusto niya? Ako. Kami.

Pero tandaan mo, Nieve, ikaw ang mundo ko.

His words replayed like a song I couldn't turn off. For a moment, they gave me comfort. Pero kasunod no'n, pumasok 'yong tanong na masakit, ako nga ba talaga ang kailangan niya ngayon? Or was I just keeping him from the life he's meant to have?

I sat up, hugged my knees, and stared blankly at the wall. My phone buzzed beside me, but I couldn't even look. Alam kong siya 'yon. Chance. I could already imagine his message, sweet, thoughtful, full of worry he never admits out loud.

Pero hindi ko yata deserve marinig 'yon ngayon. Not when I couldn't even figure myself out.

I wanted to talk to him. Gusto kong magsumbong sa kanya. To tell him everything, how lost I felt, how scared I was of hurting him. Pero paano? How do you tell the person you love that maybe loving you is starting to hurt them? How do you let go of someone who made you feel whole?

I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes, forcing myself to breathe slowly. Pero kahit gano'n, parang walang hangin. I wanted to run away, but I knew I couldn't keep avoiding this.

Finally, I reached for my phone, my hands trembling. Sure enough, his name lit up the screen.

From: Chance

'Hey, baby. Busy ka ba?'

'I miss you. Can I call? Please?'

My heart twisted. Just seeing his words made my throat tighten. My thumb hovered over the reply button, but I couldn't move. The thought of hearing his voice right now both comforted me and scared me half to death.

So I turned the phone face down and exhaled shakily.

"Bukas na lang," I whispered. "Bukas ko na 'to haharapin."

But even as I said it, I knew the truth, hindi ko naman talaga kayang itaboy nang matagal ang katotohanan. This wasn't just about him anymore. It was about me. About us. And about whether I was strong enough to face what love had turned into.

Nagising ako kinabukasan na parang wala sa sarili. Mabigat ang katawan, mabigat ang dibdib, parang lahat ng pagod at lungkot ng kagabi ay nanatili sa balat ko. Mugto pa rin ang mga mata ko. Of course. I cried last night. Hindi ko na nga mabilang kung ilang beses kong pinilit huwag umiyak, pero sa huli, luha pa rin ang lumaban.