Dying Embers

Chapter Thirty Six

Chapter Thirty Six: Pag-iwas

I haven't been able to focus throughout the day. Dumating na 'yong araw na kinakatakutan ko, 'yon nga lang ibang-iba sa mga naisip kong pwedeng dahilan.

Chance. He's my everything. He's my light; he showed me things I didn't know existed. He made me feel things I haven't felt my whole life. He's my first in everything. First relationship, first love.

First love, and I can never think it would end like this.

Can I do it? Can I really do it?

Nakarating ako sa apartment, at wala akong ginawa kundi ang sumalampak sa kama. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng tama. Everything Myka said kept echoing in my mind, overlapping with the memories of Chance—his laugh, his hugs, the way his eyes lit up every time he saw me. Parang hindi ko na alam kung alin sa mga alaala ang nagpapagaan sa loob ko at alin ang nagpapabigat.

I buried my face in my pillow, trying to suppress the tears that had been threatening to fall all day. I felt torn apart, like my chest was being crushed under the weight of my own thoughts. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was ruining everything for Chance, that I was the reason he was stuck.

But wasn't this what he wanted? Ako? Kami?

Pero tandaan mo, Nieve, ikaw ang mundo ko.

His words replayed in my mind, and for a second, they gave me comfort. Pero ang kasunod na tanong, ako nga ba ang kailangan niya ngayon? Was I enough? Or was I holding him back from the bigger things he could have?

I sat up and hugged my knees, staring blankly at the wall. My phone buzzed on the bedside table, but I didn't have the energy to check. Alam kong si Chance 'yon. I could almost imagine what his message would say—sweet, thoughtful, worried.

But I didn't deserve it right now. Not when I couldn't even figure out what to do.

I wanted to talk to him, to tell him everything swirling in my head, but I didn't know how. How do you tell someone that maybe loving you is holding them back? How do you let go of the one person who made you feel whole?

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, trying to steady my breathing. It felt impossible to come up with a solution, and the thought of facing Chance made me want to run. But at the same time, I knew I couldn't avoid this.

I reached for my phone, my hands trembling. Sure enough, it was Chance.

Chance:

Hey, baby. Busy ka ba?

I miss you. Can I call?

I stared at the screen, unsure of what to do. My thumb hovered over the reply button, but I couldn't bring myself to type anything. The thought of hearing his voice right now both comforted and terrified me.

I placed my phone face down on the bed, letting out a shaky breath. Tomorrow, I told myself. Bukas na lang. But deep inside, I knew that I couldn't keep pushing this away. This wasn't just about Chance. It was about me, about us. And whether or not I was ready to face what that truly meant.

Nagising ako kinabukasan, at tila walang ganang pumasok. Mugto ang mga mata ko. I cried last night. Paano ko ihaharap 'tong itsura ko kay Jilliana ngayon? For sure, hindi niya ako tatantanan.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. I stayed in bed a little longer, trying to summon the energy to start my day. Pero kahit anong pilit kong itulak ang sarili ko para bumangon, parang ang bigat pa rin ng pakiramdam ko. My mind kept going back to Chance, sa sinabi ni Myka, sa lahat ng pangyayari na parang ako na mismo ang pumipigil sa sarili ko na maging okay.