Dying Embers

Chapter Fifty

Chapter Fifty: Birthday

Kinaumagahan, nagising akong parang hinugot mula sa isang malalim na panaginip. Mabigat 'yong ulo ko, parang may kumikiliting ingay na hindi ko matukoy. Hindi ko na rin maalala kung paano natapos 'yong gabi, parang blur lang lahat. Mga ilaw, tawanan, tapos biglang katahimikan. Pilit kong binubuo sa isip ko ang mga nangyari, pero puro pira-pirasong eksena lang 'yong bumabalik.

Despite the dizziness, I forced myself to get ready. We had our defense today. In front of the mirror, I tried to fix not just my hair, but my composure. My uniform was neat, pressed, yet somehow, I still looked exhausted.

I skimmed through my notes while the electric fan brushed cool air against my face, but nothing stuck. My mind was elsewhere. My chest felt heavy, as if something unnamed was sitting quietly on top of it.

Pagdating sa school, halos sabay-sabay nag-vibrate 'yong phone ko — mga tawag, mga text. Pero binalewala ko. Sinilent ko agad, at tinulak sa bulsa. Hindi ko kayang harapin kahit isa sa kanila. Not right now.

Pagpasok ko sa room, agad kong hinanap 'yong grupo ko at umupo sa tabi nila. May halong excitement at kaba sa hangin. One by one, dumating 'yong mga panelists at advisers. Thankfully, hindi kami 'yong unang tinawag para mag-present.

Habang naghihintay, ramdam ko 'yong tension sa paligid. Lahat tahimik, abala sa pagre-review. 'Yong iba, paulit-ulit na nagdi-discuss ng slides. Pero ako? Nakatitig lang sa notes na hindi ko mabasa nang maayos. Parang bawat letra nagiging alon.

I felt like everyone was on the same boat of focus, and I was drifting somewhere far from it. Nasa gitna ako ng ingay, pero parang wala ako ro'n. Paulit-ulit lang nagpi-play sa isip ko 'yong mga nangyari kagabi, mga salitang hindi ko alam kung totoo pa ba o panaginip lang.

"Rain, ready?"

Napatingin ako kay Ella, isa sa mga groupmates ko. Nakangiti siya, pero halatang kinakabahan din.

"Yeah," pilit kong ngiti. "Just... kinda nervous."

"Same, girl. Sana matapos na 'to."

Napangiti ako, kahit kaunti lang. At least, hindi ako mag-isa sa kaba.

Pagkalipas ng halos isang oras, tinawag na rin ang pangalan ng grupo namin. Nagkatinginan kami, isang mabilis na ngiti, bago sabay-sabay tumayo. Habang naglalakad kami papunta sa harap, ramdam ko 'yong unti-unting pagbigat ng dibdib ko, parang bawat hakbang ay may kasamang pintig ng kaba.

Pag-tayo namin sa stage, saka lang ako tuluyang kinabahan. The classroom suddenly felt smaller, too quiet, too bright. The hum of the aircon mixed with the shuffle of papers and faint whispers from the audience. Pinilit kong tumuon sa papel sa kamay ko, pero nanginginig nang bahagya 'yong daliri ko.

Nagsimula na ang presentation. I could feel the sweat on my palms, the dryness in my throat. Nang ako na ang magsalita, parang lumobo 'yong mundo ko, lahat ng ingay, naglaho. Each word felt heavy at first, but as I kept going, the tension slowly loosened. The sleepless nights of practice, the countless retakes, they finally paid off. I found my voice, and somehow, I managed to finish my part without stumbling.

Pero pagdating sa Q&A, bumalik lahat ng kaba. The panelists looked stern, their pens poised, their eyes sharp. They threw questions one after another, mostly to my groupmates. Kaya nung narinig ko ang, "Rain, how can you demonstrate the relevance of your findings in real-world applications?" — para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

Tumigil lahat. Even my heartbeat felt delayed. Saglit akong napatitig sa kanila, then I inhaled slowly, trying to steady my voice.

"Our findings can contribute to..." nagsimula ako, halos pabulong. Pero habang nagpapatuloy, unti-unti kong nahanap 'yong rhythm. My voice steadied, my thoughts aligned, and though there were moments of uncertainty, I somehow pulled through.