Dying Embers

Chapter Fifty-Five

Chapter Fifty-Five: A Love That's Loud

It's been a week.

Same routine, halos araw-araw, pumupunta kami ni Jilliana sa school para manood ng training. Minsan sa field, minsan naman sa basketball court sa loob ng gym. Psalm, along with Tunnel, has been helping coach the high school players. At some point during that week, Psalm asked for my number. He could've messaged me online, but I guess he figured I wasn't chronically online anyway. Kaya mas madali na raw kung may number ako.

Nando'n sila ngayon sa school. Everyone, except me.

I had errands to run today. May kailangan akong bilhin para sa apartment — groceries, toiletries, the usual stuff for the week.

Kakapasok ko pa lang sa mall, kinuha ko agad 'yong cart, sabay lakad papunta sa pantry section. While I was dropping random things into the cart, rice, milk, coffee, narinig ko 'yong faint na vibration ng phone sa bulsa ko. I fished it out, thumb hovering on the screen.

From: Jilliana

'Hindi ka makakapunta here?'

I typed fast.

'Nope. Groceries.'

A few seconds later, another message from her popped up.

'Clara is here today. It's so awkward.'

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad. My fingers loosened their grip on the cart handle.

Clara? Of course. Why wouldn't she be there? Chance is courting her, after all.

Napabuntong-hininga ako, pinilit kong ngumiti kahit wala namang kasama. Ang tanga lang. But at least I wasn't there. I didn't have to see them together. Hindi ko kailangang panoorin si Clara na pinupunasan ang pawis ni Chance, or hear them laughing over some stupid inside joke, or see that look in his eyes, 'yong tipong parang wala nang ibang tao sa mundo kundi siya at 'yong kasama niya.

Just the thought of it stung. Imagining it already felt like salt in an open wound.

What more kung nando'n ako mismo?

My grip on the cart tightened again as I tried to push forward through the aisles. But even with all the products around me, neatly stacked and labeled, my mind was a mess. I hate this.

I hate how our worlds still overlap. No matter how far I try to go, lagi kaming nagtatagpo sa mga lugar na dati naming pinupuntahan. Parang may cosmic joke na hindi ko gets.

Wala akong choice kundi panoorin siya mula sa malayo. To watch his life move forward while mine feels stuck, like it's still trying to heal from something long gone.

I hate how casual things are now. 'Yong tipong nagkakabatian lang kami like, "Oh, hey, kumusta?" as if hindi kami 'yong dati. How easy it is for him to smile like nothing happened. How easy it is for him to stand in the same room with me, while I feel like I'm barely keeping myself together. As if my heart didn't once learn his rhythm.

I hate everything about this.

And maybe what I hate the most is how I can't even say any of it out loud.

Pumunta ako sa cereal aisle. I stared at the boxes way longer than I needed to, pretending to decide between brands I didn't really care about. My hands hovered over the boxes, but my mind was elsewhere, still stuck in that field, that scene that never actually happened but lived so vividly in my head.

I shook my head. Stop it.

No use spiraling in the middle of a grocery store.

Kinuha ko 'yong pinakamalapit na cereal box at tinapon sa cart.