Dying Embers

Chapter Sixty-Five

Chapter Sixty-Five: Kahit Wala

Sinundan ko si Clara hanggang makarating kami sa fountain sa gitna ng campus. The sun had already dipped low, painting the sky in soft hues of pink and violet, like the last breath of daylight before the world gives in to the dark. Unti-unting nilalamon ng dilim ang paligid, at isa-isa nang nagbubukas ang mga lampara, ang liwanag nila sumasalamin sa sahig na basa ng hamog.

Sa paligid, may mga graduates pa ring nagpi-picture. Mga toga na sumasayaw sa hangin, mga tawanan at halakhak na pilit lumalaban sa paglapit ng gabi. Pero rito, sa tapat ng fountain kung saan kami tumigil, halos walang tao. Tahimik. Parang sinadya ni Clara na dalhin ako dito, sa pagitan ng ingay at katahimikan.

Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto niyang sabihin. This was the first time I'd seen her since that night sa bahay nina Chance. My palms felt clammy, and my heartbeat, steady, pero mabigat, parang may gusto nang kumawala.

Huminto siya sa tapat ng fountain. The water caught the faint light of the lamps, shimmering like fragments of a broken sky. Tahimik siya.

"Rain..." she began, her voice soft, fragile, like glass ready to break. "A-alam mo naman siguro 'yong nangyari sa amin ni Castiel."

Parang may humigpit sa lalamunan ko. "Alam ko. Jilliana told me."

"I broke up with him. We broke up no'ng birthday ng Lala niya, after ka niya ihatid pauwi."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "W–What?"

"M-Maybe he realized something that night," mahina niyang sabi, halos pabulong. "And then... we decided to end things. Siya ang nakipaghiwalay sa'kin."

Parang tumigil ang mundo ko. The words echoed inside me, malinaw, matalim, at masakit. Hindi ko agad alam kung paano sasagot. I just stood there, staring at her, habang unti-unting bumabagsak ang mga luha sa pisngi niya.  Her eyes were red and swollen, lashes clumped with tears, signs of someone who had been crying not just for hours, but for days.

"From the very beginning," she continued, voice trembling like a fragile string, "I knew he was never really over you. Kahit ilang beses niya akong itulak palayo noon, I stayed. I thought... kung sino man 'yong nakasakit sa kanya dati, kaya kong gamutin. Kaya kong punan. Through my presence. Through my love. Kaya nung niligawan niya ako, I was happy. He tried, God knows he tried, to love me. Slowly. Genuinely. Pero..." she paused, a sob catching in her throat, "...kahit ilang beses niyang subukan, hindi ko maramdaman. Every time he's sweet to me, it feels like he's loving someone else through me."

Tahimik ang paligid. Kahit ang hangin, tila nakikiramay. Sa pagitan ng mga hikbi niya, ramdam ko ang bigat ng bawat salitang binitawan niya, at sa ilalim ng lahat ng iyon, ang matinding katotohanang matagal ko nang tinatakasang marinig.

I shook my head. "Imposible. Kilala ko siya. I know him."

"You don't know him, Rain." Her gaze lifted to me, matalim at diretso. "Ni minsan, hindi mo tinangkang kilalanin kung sino talaga siya. Galit ako sa'yo kasi all you ever did was doubt, second-guess, dahil takot kang masaktan. You never even told him you loved him, right? He needed to hear that. He needed someone to remind him he was enough. That he was wanted. But he never asked for it, kasi ayaw niyang magmukhang needy."

Nanigas ako. The air between us grew heavy, colder, like the night itself was listening.

"And I did all that," she continued, tears spilling faster now. "I gave him what you didn't. I loved him the way you couldn't. Pero bakit ikaw pa rin? Why is it still you and not me? Napagod na ako, Rain."

My chest tightened. My voice rose before I could stop it. "How can you say that when he didn't even look my way habang kayo? He told me na hindi na niya ako mahal. He told me na ayaw na niya akong balikan. Ginawa na niya lahat para mawala ako sa buhay niya dahil nandyan ka!"