Affinity (RDJ)

Chapter 53 - Numb

You've been pacing for six hours. Your mind is a carousel of thoughts that refuse to quiet, each one circling back to the same painful questions: Why didn't anyone see him? Why didn't anyone stop him? Who even is he?

How could you have just left him at the time when he needed you most?

That's the one that stings more than the rest. Deep down, you know you had no choice, but the moment George and Lexi arrived at the hospital and peeled you off the floor, you just let them. Defeated. Hopeless. Numb.

The door creaks open, but you barely register it until Lexi's voice cuts through the haze. "Rem," she says softly, hovering at the edge of your room. Her shoulders sink when she sees you, unchanged from the last time she checked. It must be 2 or 3 a.m. by now. She probably hoped you'd be asleep. She should know better.

She pads over and reaches for your arm, but you flinch away before she can touch you.

"Rem, you need to rest," she tries gently. "I know it sounds impossible right now, but if you're going to see him at some point, you need your strength."

You want to scream. She doesn't know anything. Why is she here if she can't tell you anything?

But you don't say it. You just stare at the floor, afraid that if you stop thinking about him for even a second, the universe will take that as permission to take him away.

This is what trauma does: makes you bargain with the air, with God, with fate. You cling to the illusion that your sleeplessness, your pacing, your agony might make a difference. As if grief can be a currency to buy someone's life back.

When you don't respond, Lexi sighs with concern and backs out of your room. 'We're just next door, Rem, if you need us,' she says softly.

After more pacing, your legs practically give out from under you and you drop to the floor, having no energy left to do anything but sob into your rug.

The low buzz of your phone ringing stirs you and you almost leap out of your skin as you clamber up to get it from your nightstand, noticing that it's past 6am and you must've fallen asleep. Fumbling clumsily, you press the green icon to answer, not recognising the number but just hoping beyond hope that it's the hospital. 'H-hello?' you answer shakily, biting the nubs that once were nails as you wait for a reply.

'Remy? It's Callie.'

You breathe a shaky sigh and wait for her to continue.

'He's... um... he's not in a good way, Remy. They've stabilised him for now and Dr Shepherd is going to take him into surgery tomorrow morning-'

'Tomorrow? Why aren't they taking him now? They need to-'

'They can't, Remy. They need to allow the swelling in his brain to go down to give him the best chance. The gunshot wound was bad enough, but they think he hit his head on the way down and the damage it's caused...' She trails off.

Your heart plummets like a lead brick. You wish you didn't understand the connotations of what Callie is saying, but you understand too much to bear thinking about.

She pauses, but when you don't respond, she carries on. 'Um, they've already had him in theatre for the gunshot wound. Dr Bailey said that the bullet punctured his lung and created an air leak so they've repaired that and put in a tube to drain the hemopneumothorax. Ugh-' She pauses. 'Sorry. I'm talking to you like you're just another doctor.'

'I-it's okay,' you manage. 'You have no idea how much I need to know these things.'

She sighs. 'Basically, I'm not leaving his bedside all day, Remy. I can't... I'll keep an eye on him, make sure he's stable. I'm so sorry I don't have anything else to tell you... we just have to wait it out.'