RED IN MY LEDGER.

Is Love Really Enough?

I met Steve in church after I prayed to God to give me my other half, and the moment I opened my eyes I saw him starring at me.. I can still remember the day..

And now we are celebrating our 2nd anniversary.. Everything is perfect with him, even thou sometimes we have some arguments but our love is much stronger.. I always thank God for giving Steve to me..

We're having our dinner, chatting and holding hands.. Suddenly I got dizzy, I can't feel my left part body, my hand and leg are getting numb then everything went black..

When I opened my eyes, I was already in the hospital. I saw Steve in my side, sleeping and holding my hand. I raised my other hand to touch his hair. Then he wake up and I smiled to him.. He asked me if what I feel and if I'm okay, I just nod to him and slightly smiled.. I asked him what happened then he stand up and told me he will call my doctor to discuss my situation.

When my doctor came, Steve sit next to me and hold my hand.. I asked my Doctor what happened to me, if I'm sick and what is my illness .. The Doctor just said that I should under go some test to verify my illness.. but they have some hint what it is.. They just want to be sure before they declared it.. I insist to know it and I look Steve for him to support me.. The Doctor bow his said with sadness and disappointment in his face..

Doctor: Natasha, I'm sorry.. But we saw in your blood test that you have HIV.. Stage 4.
Nat: What!? How can it be!? I am not sick!?? Please check again? Maybe it was just over fatigue because I'm tired in my work.. and I started to cry..
Doctor: Please calm down.. I will do everything to help you, but you know this illness, it doesn't have a cure yet..
Nat: This is not true!!! Your test is inaccurate!? Right Steve!? Tell him!! We will find another doctor and ask for 2nd opinion..
Steve: Baby, calm down please.. Doctor, thank you but can I talk to Natasha privately for a sec?
Doctor: Okay. Just call me or the nurses if you have a problem or Ms Romanoff is feeling unwell.
Steve: Yes Sir. Thank you..

Steve: Nat..
Nat: Steve this can't be! I don't have that virus!
S: I.. I hav.. I have it.. I'm so sorry Natasha (and he started crying)
N: What!? are you kidding me!? This is not funny Steve!
S: Its true.. I have it 4 years ago with my ex gf. I'm so sorry Nat, you know I love you.. I didn't know that this will happened to you because I didn't felt any of that.. I'm so sorry Baby..
N: Please leave me alone first. I want to rest..
S: Plea..
N: Out!!

I was left in my room and cry.. Why God? Why me!? to the man that I prayed to in your own home!?.. I called the nurse and ask for my doctor again..

N: Doctor, what will happened to me?
D: You need to under go CTscan and MRI first for us to see your real condition. But Natasha, I want you to go home to your family, you may confine yourself there.. Its better for you to have your family beside you..
N: How long I will survive?
D: I don't know Nat, it will depends on how strong your immune system is. You need to rest and eat healthy foods to fight the virus. We also have some medicine for this virus but it will not cure you, it will just help your immune system..
N: What will happened to me?
D: Hmm.. You will feel numbness on your body, like stroke, you will not able to move or walk alone nor talk.. The virus will eat your body inside..
N: Please schedule my CTscan and MIR tomorrow.
D: Okay. Is that all?
N: Yes, thank you..

The next day, I had my CTscan and MIR.. while waiting for the result Steve came over bringing me some fruits and clean clothes..
S: I know your still mad at me, and I will understand if you doesn't want to see me anymore..
N: Steve.. I'm.. I'm sorry, (sigh) I'm just.. just not feeling well yesterday. I don't blame you. I know you don't want this to happened also.. Remember when I prayed to God to give the one for me, he showed you to me the moment I opened my eyes.. I know he have a plan for me.. and if I die now, I don't regret it because I've been happy with you.. I love you so much Steve.. This will not make a any difference on my love to you..
S: Ghad Nat.. I'm so sorry Baby.. I love you so much...
N: I will go home tomorrow, I want to spend my remaining days with my family also.. After I graduate I never have time to them..
S: Sure honey, I will go with you..
N: But Steve, I don't want to tell them about my illness.
S: Huh?
N: You know this kind of illness, no one will understand, they will just judge us..
S: Baby, if they really love and care for you. they will understand.. But I will do whatever you want don't worry.. I will just be right here for you.. We will fight this together, we will survive it and be together forever..

The next day, I went home and called my mom that I will admit myself in the hospital because I'm feeling sick.. knowing my mom, she panicked and rush to the hospital as well..
I told her that I think I'm undergoing over fatigue due to work and stress in New York.. I told her that my left body is in numbness, my head and tummy ache really bad..

When the Doctors check my condition it was same result with my Doctor in New York.. I lost hope, maybe it is really my time..

Week passed and I'm just getting worst even with medications. I cannot talk properly anymore, I cannot stand or walk alone, I cannot move my left arm and leg. The Doctor said that I should tell this already to my Mother.. they saw that my illness is Stage 4 with cerebral toxoplasmosis sec to HIV. and I'm like having pneumonia.. The virus is eating my body, since my body isn't that strong.. I abused my body, I work and work and work, I usually don't eat and not getting proper sleep.. My body got exhausted on my travel routines. traffic, pollution..

I'm loosing hope.. I'm getting tired and weak. So I asked my Doctor to tell my real situation to my Mom.. When my Mom knew about it, I can see to her face that half of her died also, she called my Dad if he can go home also to spend some time with me.
My dad went home and will spend Christmas with us.. and we decided to just go home..

I am not at home, still fighting with my illness, I'm better now compare when I'm at the hospital, I usually sleep, - a lot. My family are always there, esp. Steve. He took vacation in work to spend time with me..

***

PS: I wrote this not for us to judge Nat, I wrote this for us to learn from it. HIV is not an ordinary illness. Still no cure for it. Please take care of yourselves and appreciate and cherish your moments with your love ones.

This based on true story. Let's pray for my friend's recovery..