Things I Could Never Tell You

179, 180, 181

Text #179.

June 23, 11:37 pm.

Tomorrow's your birthday. I remember how on the day before it, you would always sleep on my house. And exactly when the clock strkked midnight, we would sneak past to the kitchen and grab the cupcake we would buy some hours earlier. I would light up a small candle and place it on the middle of the cupcake. You would blow the candle and make a wish. I never knew what it was. But I don't know why, I would also so a wish. Maybe it was because I was selfish and I still am. I'd always wish for the birthday boy. For that moment never end. And it never did, on my mind. Is it wrong if I told you that I'm about to do it again?

Text #180.

June 24, 2:36 am.

Happy birthday, Ty. I know you'll never read this, and it's kind of a relief to me. I'll never have the guts to say this to your face because of the fear of rejection. But sincerely, it's just one of those nights that I can't sleep no matter what. I have been turning my side of the bed countless times, but that doesn't seem to be the problem. It's just unimaginable that once upon a time, you had my back for everything. I knew I could always count on you. I really took you for granted. And now I'm here, laying on bed and feeling so utterly and fucking stupid for believing in every single thing you said. I remember how it was like to stay awake due to your horrible snoring and now, I miss everything about you. I know you would probably never want to hear some fucking annoying things that I have been writing since the beginning of the year, but I wish I could let you go. I wish I could let you be happy and not be moping around for a person who doesn't give a shit about me. But I'm way too selfish for that. I don't know how to stop being selfish. I'm so sorry. I wish I would just get over it and let you go, Ty.

Text #181.

June 25, 4:37 pm.

Cameron invited me to go the Crocker Art Museum. I try to reject his offer at first, but he insisted and insisted until I ended up gigging in. We drove there and as soon as we got there, he stayed silent. I found his silence odd, but just tried to stare out the window.

"Stephanie, look, I don't know what has been going on with you for the past days." He finally broke the uncomfortable silence that surrounded us.

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept my mouth shut. What would I say? That you came over and managed to play with all of my feelings once more?

"But you know what I've found out this time you were avoiding me?" He asked, raising an eyebrow up.

"I wasn't avoiding you--" I tried to defend myself, but he just cut me off.

"That isn't what matters." He said. "But I've just found out that being ignored is a fucking pain in the ass. Well, not being ignored really, but being ignored by you. And through this time, I have been thinking about you nonstop. Fuck, I can barely sleep because of you, Stephanie. I was scared as fuck because I thought I might be able to lose you. And I've never been afraid to lose someone. Because it's actually something I got used to. My dad, for example. He works everyday twelve hours a day, except on Fridays and weekends. And he's out so much, that my mom gets kind of needy. I swear that some weeks ago I saw my mom going up with a guy that surely wasn't my dad. My sister finally left this place, the thing she wanted to do since she was twelve. You're the only thing that has been constant in my life, Stephanie. I don't think you understand how serious I am. Damn, I trust you, something that is very rare to happen to me. It's kind of hard for me to trust someone. And you've finally earned my trust. I was and I still am scared to lose you." He rambled, running his hands through his dark hair.

I let out a small gasp on the second he finished. I had never heard someone that they were afraid to lose me. I thought everyone wanted to get rid of me.

"Cameron, I-I..." I mumbled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"I know, you don't have to say anything." He quietly looked down.

He looked out the window and I bit my lower lip. His face turned to me and our eyes met. Somehow, something about his multicolored eyes seemed to catch completely off guard. I closed the gap between us by kissing him. Almost automatically, he responded by grabbing my neck and pushing me closer to him. After some seconds, I pulled away quickly.

I don't know why I did that. I shyly looked at my feet and breathed out in nervousness. Why the hell had I just done that?

"Steph," Cameron whispered, placing his hand on the top of mine.

"I'm sorry, but I need to go." I said and got out of his car. I walked up to a small store and prayed that he wouldn't follow me there. I hid myself behind some shelves and heard him calling my name. I didn't answer him. And now I'm at the bus, rethinking everything and wondering how the hell can I always manage to screw everything up.