Things I Could Never Tell You

249

September 1, 7:03 pm.

If Cameron ever found out what I did and still do, I don't think he'd forgive me. Maybe because somehow it always finds a way to involve you in the middle. Perhaps it's because he would be betrayed in some way.

I find it hard to explain to people and especially, I find it hard to explain to myself. I say I'm over you, but I still write you.

The truth is that I'll never forget you, you know? I know this is some paragraph of the same crap I've been writing for the thousandth time, but it's the truth.

Getting over you doesn't necessarily means that you'll never appear on my mind sometimes and that I won't think of you before going to bed anymore. Sometimes, getting over just means when the thought of you pops up in my head, I can finally find a way to push it to the back of my mind.

But throughout these months I have been texting you, I finally found my escape. I finally found a way to turn my thoughts into words. To turn my feelings into letters. It became sort of my personal diary. My way of relief and of venting out.

People think it's wrong to be with someone when you still have someone else on your mind. That used to be true for me. The situation now isn't so uncontrollable like before, but it happens.

Yeah, I may still think about you. But now, instead of crying whenever I think about how you promised you'd never leave me, I just start to miss the moments we had together. Instead of sadness, I'm starting to feel nostalgic and in longing of the time we used to be friends.

And that's a good thing, because you don't have so much power over me like you used to. I can control my feelings now. I can push you to the back of my head and leave you there until I want to.

The wrong thing to do would be if I stopped living my life for a boy who doesn't even know what he wants of his life. The wrong thing to do would be if I stopped opening my heart up only because of a stupid boy with a 14-year-old mentality.

That would be wrong and that would be stupid.

I don't think the heartbreak you put me through will never leave me. I'll take it with me so that every time I remember it, it will remind me of how strong I could be, even when I kept telling myself the contrary.

I'll keep remembering you until you turn out to be only a memory that causes a nostalgic feeling.

And that's something good.

That's something really good.