The 5th of May, 2016

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"Can I tell you something?" I asked Charlie whilst Skyping him in my room.

"Yeah sure", he responded.

"I don't know what to do about Emilia", I said. "Like, I want to be there for her but-" I considered my wording for a moment. "She doesn't seem to wanna forgive me", I finally decided to say.

"Oh shit I'm so sorry", Charlie said. "You tried talking about it, yeah?"

"Obviously", I said. "I don't  even know who she blames".

Charlie looked down. "Maybe she should blame me", he said.

"No that's not what I meant", I said quickly, starting to panic a little.

"But it's true. I've been so selfish and taken up your time. I'm sorry", Charlie said.

"No babe it's not your fa-", I tried to speak, but he interrupted me.

"I have to go", he said and hung up. He wouldn't answer me when I tried to call him back.

Fuck, I really fucked up this time, I thought to myself.

I let out a sigh. I cared so much for both of them but it was so hard for me to concentrate on both at the same time. I felt like a fucking failure. I'm supposed to be helping people, not making their lives worse.

I took a screwdriver to the screw that kept the blade in my pencil sharpener there and took it out.

I went to bed with red lines all the way down my arm.

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