Ghost from the past (18+)

#Four: September 28th '10

Dear Diary:

Today I told myself it was alright to be normal, boring even... I wouldn't take any risks, just stick to the status quo. *As if it's ever that simple... Not!*
I told myself no drama, I don't have time for it. School and my singing that's where my priorities should be. *But no one, including myself, ever listens to me..*

My reasons aren't reasons, they're just dumb excuses... Excuses because I'm afraid to admit what's really going on with me. I'm too scared that if I'll confess the things that I feel deep down, the world will come crashing down on me. And I will be the one left alone ...heartbroken.

I haven't even spoken the words out loud, avoiding them as if they're the damn plague. But today I'll be writing it down instead. Because my mind alone can't handle it anymore... I can't focus on anything and it's driving me crazy!

I think I'm falling in love with my worst enemy...
And he hasn't got a clue. *Thank fuck for that!*

It really hit me today, like a ton of bricks... Literally.
I think I've known it somewhere inside my heart for a few weeks now, but today confirmed it for me when reality slapped me in the face.

It all happened when I came out of class. I was running late because the music teacher needed to talk to me about my assignment. I ran across the yard searching for Rebekah since she was supposed to be my ride home. Until I suddenly ran into 'someone' and fell onto the floor ...so did he. When I opened my eyes I realized I ran into Matty ...and I was laying on top of him! With a smirky grin, he looked at me and said.

'Watch it, beautiful. You know if you wanna talk to me you don't have to run me over, right?'

It was in that split second... In that short brief moment where his damn mouth was still shut! ...and I looked into those gorgeous eyes. That was the moment I had no choice but to admit it.
I'm falling in love with him, and I have no fucking clue what to do with it...

I crawled off of him as fast as I could and got back onto my feet, avoiding his hand for help.
I wanted to slap that damn smirk off his face! I also wanted to punch myself right after, for feeling those butterflies in swirling my stomach.

'You only wish to spend time with me, loverboy!'

I spit back at him, not wanting anything to do with my own feelings.

'Harsh. That one really stung, beautiful...'

He cried, holding his hand over his heart as if I'd just tried to kill him. Little did he know that that fucked-up nickname for me killed me inside. At least, this time it did.

He started calling me beautiful about a year ago and back then it used to annoy the hell out of me. But now? It feels like a stab to my heart every time I hear it. Knowing that for me it has a completely different meaning than it does for him.

He did, however, ask if I was alright because I fell pretty hard. It was kinda cute seeing him 'care' about me. But as usual, nice moments don't last long between Matt and me, and he just had to go and spoil it. Which is how we ended up having a catfight about whether or not he cared for me. Eventually, I grew tired of the yoyoing back and forth and asked if he knew where Bhek's was. And of course, as I'd expected, she had long gone home. *Fuck me.*

A slight smirk formed on his face as he offered me a ride home, under the conditions and I quote: 'Only if you can behave...' I instantly wanted to lash out again, but then he continued while grinning widely 'You can't come falling all over me while I'm driving..'

To be honest, I was taken aback by his words. I shouldn't have been, after all, it's Matty we're talking about. The only thing he does is tease me.
But the firework I felt once more in my stomach, that's what scared the shit outa me. 'You wish!' That was all I managed to spit out through gritted teeth. He can't ever know what feelings I got for him! It would only ruin everything...

He only laughed back at my remark. And good God, his laugh was just so damn cute! I wanted to kick myself over and over again. I'm supposed to hate him, I always have! I'm not entirely sure how or when it changed, but it did.

After that, I just wanted to sink into a hole in the ground. Matty had practically seen me swoon over him and it wasn't gone unnoticed. He told me my head looked like a tomato *fuck me twice* and then he had the nerve to ask me what I was thinking about. Like I was going to indulge on the matter! I'm not entirely sure if he realized it was about him or that he thought I was thinking about something else *which I hope* but luckily I managed to brush him off, acting like nothing was going on...

So... I ended up getting a ride home in Matty's car. You'd imagine it would be great to be alone in a car with the person you're falling in love with... Well, think again! We didn't talk to each other the whole damn ride, it was just awkward as hell. The only thing I could think about was him.

Am I really falling in love with my sister's best friend?!

And now I'm sitting here in my room, writing, and every time I glimpse through my window I see Matt... He's hanging out with Bheks in the backyard, his shirt unbuttoned and a bandana tied in front of his mouth *like some shitty gangster* with his hair all messed up because of the wind. 

...and gosh, I love the sight.
Fuck me three times. Or instead, just shoot me! I'd prefer that ...like, right now!

Till next time. 
*You're, we're, so screwed!*