Ghost from the past (18+)

#Four: March 22nd '12

Dear fucked-up me:

If you read this then someone punched a hole through your defenses. Knowing myself, your walls must have been pretty high... But you still couldn't let go of the past. U, we, weren't strong enough... and I'm sorry for that.

Yes, you loved Matty. You loved him so deeply that it consumed you ...and then he left. The void he left when he walked away was too deep, too dark... 

Today reality hit... and realizing that I face the rest of my life without him, I went off the deep end. So this is me, writing it all down. This will probably be the last time I'll ever write about Matty... And I can assure you, I'm as drunk as a skunk! That's why every letter, every dot I'll write at the moment will be the inexplicable truth. I want you to move on from all this pain! I don't want to remember the pain from the absence of the one that defined me. I must have said I'm fine to Rebekah and Nomes, at least a hundred times...

But the truth is...  *I, I felt l-like... I d-died from the inside out.* I never would've thought he would walk out of my life, just like that.

This was the worst day of my/our life...
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***

It was the day after the party and I had spent most of my time alone at the beach.
I hadn't been awake for too long because we went to sleep when it was early morning, so it must have been about 8th at night when I walked back into the house. I was in shock when I entered the living room and saw Bheks crying, with Matt standing next to her as I heard him say.

'I'm so sorry, Bheks.'

I quickly ran to Rebekah and asked her what was wrong, but she was crying so hard she couldn't say a word. So I focused my attention on Matt, hoping he'd fill me in. *A big mistake*

'H-Hey, Lex.'

Matt murmured in a surprisingly distant tone, especially after what happened yesterday. I practically begged Rebekah to tell me what was going on, because I was starting to freak out at this point. I'd never, ever, seen her like this! But she only managed to croak out...

'M... Matt! H-He's...'

And then she broke down, literally. She buried her hands in front of her face and cried as if her life depended on it. She was stuttering so much I could barely make out what she was saying, but I heard, Matt. *And like the diva I am, I jumped to conclusions.* My sister was crying her heart out. She stood next to mister cold as ice and she mentioned his name.

'What on earth did you do to her?!'

I snapped, demanding an answer from him. He immediately backfired swearing.

'I didn't do bloody anything!'

And just as I was about to go all out on him, he blurted out the words I'd never expected to hear.