A Very Personal Entry From My Diary.

Thursday, July 28th, 2011

Thursday, July 28th, 2011

12:49 pm

Dear Diary,

I’m stressed out and angry. I don’t know why, though.

It just started a few minutes ago, too. I was pacing around my room, listening to music on my iPod Touch. I had the headphones plugged in, and the music turned up way too loud. Then, as I passed my little pink radio / iPod charger, my headphones-cord got caught on one of the little knobs. I groaned. I picked up the radio, and set it back on my nightstand. Then I noticed that the antena was leaning, and wouldn’t go back down. So as I’m trying to push it back down, it breaks. I just got really angry. I break all of my radio antenas! So I walk out of my room, down the stairs, and start looking for a phone to call mom with. But, guess what? There wasn’t a phone in sight! I started getting angrier. I went into Nana and Poppa’s room, and got the phone from in there to call mom. I was very grouchy and snappy, and I mostly yelled as I talked to her. I wanted my radio antena fixed, and I wanted it fixed right there and then.

As mom ung up on me, she reminded that I needed to get the trash in my room picked up. I really do want to throw it away, but I just don’t wanna do the work that requires it. My trash can is really tiny. (Like, it can’t even fit a paper plate.) So, I grabbed the trash bag and go up to my room, but I throw it on the floor.

Then I walked to my bed, grabbed my Gatorade, and threw it at the door. Luckily, nobody was home, so I won’t get in any trouble.

I don’t get why I suddenly freaked out. I just think that I’ve been under a lot of stress, and my low blood pressure isn’t helping. School starts in less than two weeks, and I’m not looking forward to seeing Tyler again. We’re also supposed to get a new girl, and I’ve been worrying that we wouldn’t get along — or if we’d even get her at all! Of course, I am looking forward to seeing Aaron and Double J again. I’ve also submitted a manuscript to a publishing agency — Tate Publishing. It was really just the Preface to The Demon Princess And The Vampire Princes. We should be hearing from them in a week or so. I’m really nervous that they won’t like it.

I also really want contacts, but mom’s still worrying about getting our school supplies. Dad isn’t paying Child Support — I’m gonna try calling him again, maybe tomorrow, and pull out my lying skills for the “guilt treatment.”

I really would like to have that traditional father-daughter relationship with my dad, but his drinking makes it seem nearly impossible. It would be nice to tell my dad all about my writing, and how serious I am about making it a career. I’d also like to spend time with Trenton and Mackenzie, if anything.

I don’t think anybody really understands what it’s like for me when it comes to my dad. Nobody even has a clue what he looks like. Nobody gets the pain I feel knowing that he’s a drunk. Nobody gets how sad I feel when I think about Amelia, Trenton, and Mackenzie. Nobody understands what it’s like.

When I tell people that my parents are divorced, and have been “officially” since I was two, they’ll always say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Why? It’s not like I can remember a time when they were together. It’s not like I’m going through all the pain, sorrow, and guilt that most kids go through once their parents go through a divorce. To me, it’s just life! If they were still together, then people would have a reason to pity me.

Sometimes I wish I had a twin. Just someone who I could talk to about all of this. Someone who understood the hurt and happiness and meaning and thought that came with me everyday.

Sometimes I feel like people don’t understand me. I feel like it’s a lost cause to try and fit in with society’s definition of “normal”. Being normal takes too much work to be like everyone else. It take energy that I’ve learned not to waste.

Have you ever wondered what animals thought? Have you ever noticed how animals have different traits and personalities and habits and quirks — just like people?

Love,

Alison

1:41 pm