Downhill

Literally Everyone Knows

Who am I kidding, of course I did. All those moments together on holiday, laughing and having fun, those times at school when I’d think about what he would have been doing and how I missed him so much and I couldn’t wait till the next half term to see him again. I used to work extra hard (especially when I was younger) because I thought it would bring the holiday closer. I loved him all along but I just didn’t realise that love was what I felt. Was it love though? We were 14 years old, surely we didn’t know what love was then. But those feelings towards him were just so strong and I don’t really know how to describe them so I just called it love. In that minute I decided that I did actually love him, the feelings were love. But still what could I say? I couldn’t just be like ‘Oooh I love you too lets get married and live happily ever after’ because that wouldn’t happen. He lived in Cheshire and I lived in Wolverhampton there’s no way it would ever work. Besides we were only in year 9, we couldn’t decide our fate then! Was I over thinking it? 

“Umm…” Harry mumbled, interrupting my thinking time, I had been just staring at him blank faced for almost a minute, of course he was waiting for a response. He sat picking more skin off his thumb and awkwardly looking around, anywhere but at me.

“Harry I…” I had no clue what was about to come out of my mouth “I love you too” as soon as they came out my mind desperately tried to pull the words back in. What was I thinking saying that? Looking back I’m so glad I did.

Harry looked into my eyes, he looked… relieved? I guess he was, I’d left him on a cliff hanger for a long time waiting for me to reply. “Really?” he asked. I couldn’t change my mind and say no now. Besides, I did love him and why should I lie? He’s never lied to me and he was the one to confess first. So I just nodded and looked down. Damn it was awkward then… neither of us knew what to say or do. 

“So what does this mean?” He said, I looked up to find his eyes anxiously watching my every move.

“I don’t know” I said truthfully. I had no idea what it meant, I’d never been in a relationship before, well not properly, and I didn’t even know if this was one to be honest. He hadn’t even asked me out so it wasn’t a relationship I guess. Now, I think that the whole thing was over the top. We were waay too young to be worried about having a relationship when we couldn’t even see each other for most of the year.

“Will you be my girlfriend then?” He sheepishly asked. At that point I wasn’t even thinking straight.

“Yeah” I said. His smile grew on his face and I giggled. It was extremely awkward then so Harry shuffled over to my side in his pyjamas and hesitantly put his arm around my shoulders. Everything changed then, before that gesture would have meant nothing, carried no meaning and would have felt natural. But in that moment it just felt awkward. It was just because we didn’t know if we were doing it right. 

....

The next day we woke up and for about half an hour I’d forgotten about last night’s goings on before I heard Harry wake up in the room next to mine. I got dressed and walked out of my room to find him standing by my door.

“Good morning” he said with a wide grin.

“Morning” I smiled back.

“erm so are we gonna tell our parents?” he said, his hands stuffed the pockets of his jeans.

“Well, do you want to?” I asked, curious about weather or not he felt comfortable with people knowing.

“Yeah, but not yet. Like, I mean maybe not on this holiday. But when we go home” he said. The pang of worry grew in my chest like a sponge soaking up liquor at Christmas time. I knew that there was no point in trying to stay together after the holiday.