Luke's POV:
I can't really sleep right now because I can't stop thinking. I'm not really thinking about one thing, I just can't seem to unwind. I look at my clock and it is only 2. I have five hours before I will have anything to get my mind off of things.
It's obvious I won't be going to sleep, so I sit up in my bed and grab my phone. I haven't talked to Mary for about a month now. I know, I'm a bad boyfriend, but it gets kind of hard to keep contact with someone when you're thousands of miles away.
"Hello?"
"Hi." I say
"How are you?" She asks
"I can't even begin to describe how I am."
"Oh, is this bad? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating? You know, I've noticed you tend to forget to eat."
"Yes, Mom." I say, happy that she cares that much about me, "I'm eating, drinking and sleeping."
"Then what's wrong?"
"I miss you," I sigh, "I miss you so much it hurts. I'm okay until I get by myself. When I try to sleep, I start to think about you all alone, on your own. I feel like I just picked up and left you behind."
"Well I don't feel like you did."
"Maybe, but I do. It's almost like leaving a puppy behind: you don't want to because you love it and it's so cute but you have no choice."
"So I'm a puppy now?"
"A metaphorical puppy."
I don't hear anything but her breathing on the other end.
"How long have you been gone again?" She asks
"Six weeks."
"That's it? It seems like forever since I've seen you."
"I know, it feels like I've been gone for years."
"I think it's because we became so used to seeing each other almost every day."
"Me too." I say "How are things at home?"
"Pretty good," she says "school is going okay, I guess. I had to ask for some help in math, though. I actually have to have an extra session later today. You know how I am."
"Yeah, you always sucked at math." I joke
"Shut up." She mumbles
"Who is your tutor, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Oh...just some guy I work with."
"Oh, cool. Just don't go hitting on him."
"Trust me," she says, laughing "that's the last thing I would do."
We sit in silence as we have done many times, not talking but just enjoying the fact that we can hear the other one's breathing and know they exist.
"Do you have time to talk for a bit?" I ask
"Sure, but don't you need to sleep?"
"It won't take long."
"What do want to talk about?"
"Well, I've been thinking. Let's say one of us does meet someone and then we become romantically interested in them? What do we do? Are we both considered single but reserved for someone else? Or are we 'together?' What...what are we?"
"You haven't slept, have you? You always get like this when you don't sleep."
"I just can't go to sleep right now, that's all. But what are we?"
"I don't know," she says, sighing, "I just don't know."
"Like you said last time, we don't talk like we used to. We used to have conversations that would last hours. We would get all deep and you'd get all philosophical. Our conversations were full, they had meaning. Now they're just so empty."
"We're wasting time." She says
"Do what?" I ask, even though I know what she said
"I said we're wasting time. We both know it, we just won't say it. I wake up every morning, wondering if today is going to be the day we both realize what's happening. We're drifting apart, soon one of us is going to do something stupid and hurt the other one. Luke, I love you, more than you'll ever know. But I think we both know what has to happen."
"I'll be home in a few months. Five at the most."
"A lot can happen in five months." She says
"I'll quit right now and come home. We can figure something out. I'll get a job and we can buy a house. We'll finally get married and raise a family."
"No, I won't let you do it. I would never be able to forgive you. Do you know how guilty I would feel knowing you gave up your dream for me? Follow your dreams, Luke. You have the ability to do whatever you want in the music world. You're going to conquer the world someday and you can't do that back home...and you can't do it when you're constantly worried about me."
I chew on my lip and think. Maybe it does need to happen.
"Maybe you're right," I say "maybe we should just take a break. One day we'll be together. I promise, you'll have a nice house, I know that's all you've ever wanted, a place of your own. We'll have kids, two, three, hell, maybe even ten. This is going to sound cheesy, but I just want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what you may see or hear, no matter what I do, there will always be a special place in my heart for you...I'll always be in love with you, Mary Jade Irwin."
She's quiet.
"Are you still there?" I ask
"Yeah, I'm here. I knew this was coming."
"What do you mean?"
"The last time we talked, before we hung up, we said 'love you,' we stopped saying 'I love you.' There's a big difference between 'love you' and 'I love you.'"
"I never even noticed."
Silence, again.
"So this is how it ends, huh? All in a phone call?"
"I guess." I say
"This is the end." She says plainly, I can hear the emptiness in her voice
"This is the end." I repeat
"I guess this is goodbye for now."'
"I guess so."
"Goodbye."
"Goodbye."
I take the phone away from my ear, preparing to hang up with her for possibly the last time for a long time, but I hear her say something.
"Luke?"
"I'm still here."
"I love you."
She hangs up before I say it back. I feel too empty to sleep so I sit in bed, staring out the window. My universe has mostly revolved around her for the past few years, but my sun has disappeared and pulled away. I pull the covers over my head, because I guess my world will just be cold and empty now.
Mary's POV:
I don't cry, I can't. I'm too numb.
I let my phone slip out of my hands and onto my bed. What just happened?
'I have to get out of here, there are too many memories in this room. I need to go right now.'
This bed, he sat on this bed so many times and I looked into his eyes.
The roof, we sat on that roof and that's where we had our first real kiss. That's where we decided to become a couple.
The wall, his picture is up there, his posters...
I grab my bag and go out to the car. Where do I go? Mom is at work and Sarah is out of town. I suppose meeting James and having him show me all those formulas will take my mind off things.
I go to his apartment building and find his name. I knock on his door and wait in the hall.
After a few minutes go by, the door opens and I see him, and 98% of his body, which, by the way, isn't that bad. He's standing there in nothing but his boxers.
"Oh, hey!" He says, smiling
"Hi."
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just ready for some math." I say, which is a lie
"Do you, um, want something to drink? Have you had dinner? I could fix something if you...Something's wrong. You look...out of it. Here," he pats the couch, "sit down."
I do and he seems oblivious to the fact that he's standing in his apartment almost naked.
"Tell me what happened."
I stare at the floor, trying not to blush. It's not that I find him attractive, I just find this extremely awkward.
"My bad," he says, grabbing a shirt, "I didn't expect you to show up this early. I just got out of the shower."
He sits down and I tell him everything that just happened. He listens to my every word. When I get finished, he looks frustrated.
"So you two broke up?"
I nod.
"Mary, I'm so sorry. I know it had to have been hard."
I nod again and now I feel the tears swell up in my eyes. The weight of everything just seems to come crashing down on me. Before I know what's happening, he wraps his arms around me and I'm crying into his chest.
"I just couldn't stop it." I say "He started saying what was on his mind and I started saying what was on my mind. I messed it up."
"You can't blame yourself. It was just as much his decision as it was yours." He says, trying to calm me down
Within five minutes I'm okay.
"I guess we better get busy." I say, wiping my face with my hands
"No," he says "no I'm not going to do that. Fuck that, you aren't in any shape to be doing math. Take the week off, for you. Spring break is the next week, so take two weeks off."
"I'm really sorry, I don't usually cry on people. I'll see you next time, I guess."
"Do you have someone at home?"
"No, my mom is at work until like 4 am and my friend is out of town."
"Then stay here, just until you feel better. I don't want you driving home like this, not right now."
"You don't have to take care of me."
"I want to, you're...you're my friend."
I think it over. I've known this guy since high school, but I never really knew him until a few weeks ago. He seems okay, I guess, but I don't know. I think I trust him enough to talk to him.
"Okay." I say
"I'll be right back."
He goes into the kitchen and comes back with some grapes and a glass of water.
"Drink this," he says, "all of it. It will help you feel better."
I do and then he gives me the grapes.
"I saw this thing one time that listed things to do after a long cry. I found it very helpful." He says
I nod, eat my grapes, and drink my second glass of water.
"Do you feel better?" He asks me after about thirty minutes
"Yeah, I think so."
He looks at me with this look, a mix between pain and pity.
"What if he finds someone else? What if he loves her more than me?" I say, thinking out loud
He sits back in his chair,crossing his legs and resting his chin on his hand. He looks me over and studies me.
"What?" I ask
"I was just thinking," he says, leaning forward, "he'd be crazy to want to love any other girl more than you."
I don't really respond to that because I don't know how to.
"I think I better get going."
He looks like he doesn't want me to go.
"Okay," he says, "just be careful."
"Don't worry, I'll try to not get too wild while sitting at home."
"Okay, don't get too crazy. Here's my number in case you need me."
He walks me to my car and watches me drive away.
I start to think about all of this, none of it seems real.
"We broke up." I say to myself
Saying it out loud seems to do something. It's like it all seems more real to me. I realize that things are going to get rough, but I should be okay as long as I surround myself with people who make me feel better. I can be sad for the next few weeks, that's normal, but I will not stop my life because I've lost Luke. Luke was good for me and maybe, just maybe, we'll end up being together in the end.
Luke's POV:
I feel horrible. It's been a week. Maybe I can call her again and we'll make up.
No, I can't do that, this time is serious.
I feel empty and angry. Not at her but at myself. I let her get away from me. I should have never done this. If I would have just stayed home and been a normal person, this would have never happened. But no, I just had to do this. I just had to follow my wild dream.
I hate myself for this.
"Bruhhhhh," Michael groans through my closed door, "you need to get up. You've literally gone into a week long hibernation. When's the last time you ate?"
"I can't!" I say, my voice muffled by my pillow and blanket
"And why not?"
"Because!"
"That's a great argument."
"I feel like shit!"
"I feel like shit all the time, most people do, but you don't see me staying in bed all day."
I get out of bed, walk over to the door and jerk it open.
"You don't understand. You couldn't possibly understand."
"You can't stop living and become a huge blob of nothing that lies in bed because your relationship has ended. It happens, man. You're going to either going to get back together with her or find someone else."
"I don't want someone else."
"Then get up off your sorry ass and go get her back!"
"I can't. She wouldn't take me back, not right now."
"Listen here, fuckstick, I'm going to fuck you up with the fucking truth. That girl is the best thing that ever happened to you and she's one of the the kindest, purest, most self respecting girls I know! Do you not remember how I felt about her? I envied you because you were the one who won her heart in the end, not me. She drove me crazy because she was so unlike any girl I ever knew and it took me a while to get over her. You aren't going to get any better than her. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and go get her back! Maybe not right this instant but as soon as you can."
He walks out the door and comes back two seconds later.
"And another thing!" He says, pointing his finger at me, "You're too busy being a fuckface to realize life goes on! You two have been inseparable for the past four years and you haven't gotten a taste of what the world is like when you're not dating. Let her be on her own for now, but I swear to God, Hemmings, if you don't chase after her the minute you get home, I will personally kick. Your. Ass."
It feels like a slap in the face, but he's right.
"You're right." I say
"Good. Now get up."
Mary's POV:
"Mary honey, you've been in there for five days. Are you okay?"
"I just need some alone time." I say
"Well, I'm going to the store and then I have to go to work at eight. Do you need anything?"
"No."
"Okay, I love you."
"I love you Mom."
"You've been taking you're medication, right?"
"Yeah." I say looking at the pill box on my dresser that has all but two days full of pills
For the past few days I've just crashed. I haven't really been up to doing anything. I haven't left my room exempt to get food, go to classes and shower even though it's become one of the hardest tasks. Tutoring has been put on hold. I still haven't been able to tell Sarah. So James and Mom are the only people who know.
After an hour Mom comes back and checks in on me again. She leaves and not even thirty minutes later she bursts through my door and I quickly hide my pill box.
"There is a very attractive young man downstairs," she says, almost like she's catching me doing something wrong, "is there anything you want to tell me?"
"He's just the guy who's tutoring me. I suck at math, he doesn't and we know each other. That's all. Mom, it hasn't even been a week, I haven't moved on that quick."
"Okay but he wants to see you."
"Then I guess he can come up."
She stands there and looks at me.
"Don't you want to...I don't know...change? Maybe brush your hair?"
"I showered this morning before you woke up, I brushed my hair, and you know I practice good hygiene. Plus James doesn't care what I look like and I don't care what I look like in front of him. We're just friends."
"James? That guy-"
"Yes."
"Oh," she says, smiling, "okay."
She closes my door and I sit up on the edge of my bed and run a hand through my hair. I've been thinking about him lately. When I told him what happened, he seemed so concerned about me. He wanted to take care of me these past few days I've seen a part of him I've never seen before. I don't want this to turn into anything, but who knows...if Luke and I don't work things out, he would be someone to want to have in my life. He walks in and stops.
"Well you look like shit." He jokes
"You too." I say
He laughs and looks around.
"This is your room?"
"Yup...It's usually not this messy."
"Ah, okay."
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I was still worried about you. And I brought you this." He says, holding out a pizza box
"Oh, thanks."
"You're welcome. I hoped you like pizza, but I didn't know what kind was your favorite so I just got cheese."
"That's fine," I say, smiling for the first time in days, "this is so sweet of you."
"It was nothing," he says, pushing up his glasses "I just wanted to check in on you."
"Thank you."
He stands there and I sit there, both of us looking at each other.
"Well," he says, then he clears his throat, "I guess I better get going."
"Wait, you bought me a whole pizza. Why don't you stay for a while and at least have some of the pizza you bought?"
He shoves his hands in his pockets and considers it.
"Okay."
We sit on my bed with our legs criss crossed, facing each other.
"How many episodes have you watched." He says, motioning towards my TV
"I started with the most recent and now I'm getting towards the first episodes."
"I can tell," he says "Matthew Grey Gubler's hair isn't as...you know."
"Wait, you watch Criminal Minds?"
"I don't just watch it, I love it."
"Same."
"Let me guess, Dr. Reed is your favorite."
"Of course."
"That's a shocker."
"Hey, Matthew Grey Gubler is a beautiful human being. Plus, I like his character because he's so much weirder than all of the other agents and he knows all these random things."
"Kind of like you."
"What do you mean?"
"I remember sitting in algebra class with you and I'd hear you tell Sarah the most random things. Plus you used to tell me random facts at work."
"I had a lot of free time back then."
I flip the pizza box open and let him get his.
"How are you doing?" He asks after a few minutes
"I'm okay. I don't think it's as bad because I haven't seen him in so long. I think it will all sink in once he gets home, but that isn't for 5 months."
"Are you eating?"
"Eh, not really."
"You need to. Are you really feeling okay?"
I nod
"Well, you're smiling and joking, so you're your normal self."
"It helps not being alone. That's when it really starts to hit me. If I can just keep my mind off of it..."
"I understand," he says "I'm happy you're okay. I hated seeing you like that."
"Sometimes you need things like that to happen to you. That way you can get a dose of reality."
"You don't deserve to feel like that." He says quickly
"What?"
He pushes up his glasses and clears his throat.
"A girl like you doesn't deserve to feel like that. You shouldn't be sad, I don't want you to be."
I turn the TV off and look at him.
"I'm not just saying that so you'll like me. I'm not going to swoop in like a vulture and...no I'm not going to- to prey on you. You just got out of a very serious relationship. I really do care about you. You're the only friend I have right now. I can't talk to anyone else like I talk to you.
I came here because I knew you had just gone through something that isn't easy. I thought I could distract you from it, just for a while."
I really have no idea what to say.
"And that's exactly what I intend to do."
*
After the tension suppressed, we picked back up on the Criminal Minds conversation.
"What other shows do you watch?" I ask him
"Mostly just Law&Order and stuff like that."
"Really? What kind of music do you like?"
"Really anything. Just no country music"
He starts looking at my walls.
"I like your posters."
"Thanks."
He gets up and walks over to my pictures of me and Ashton.
"Who's this?"
"My brother, Ashton."
"Oh yeah, I forgot he was your brother."
"Yeah, we just live in the same house, have the same last name and the same mom."
He sits back down and leans closer to talk to me.
"You know what's weird?"
I shake my head.
"We've known each other since the eighth grade but we never knew each other. I mean, we go to school together for years, go to the same college and work together but we don't officially get acquainted until now."
"Yeah," I say, starting to feel empty, "that is kind of weird."
"You know, I didn't even really know your name until Luke told me it. I can't believe I went to school with your day didn't know your name until senior year."
"I knew your name, but just because I would always hear girls talk about how," I dramatically sigh, "dreamy you were."
"Wait, are you serious?"
"Yup."
We sit in silence, me staring off into space and him studying me.
"This isn't helping, is it?"
I shake my head.
"Why don't we just ask each other questions. I find learning a subject helps you focus on nothing but that subject."
"Okay," I say "you go first."
"Coke or Pepsi?"
"Really?"
"Hey, it's a universal debate."
"I guess Pepsi."
"Okay, your turn."
"Did you play any sports?"
"Baseball. Did you ever play any sports?"
"I played softball when I was younger but I quit it during middle school."
"Ooh, a softball player."
"Shut up."
"Why did you quit?"
"I don't know. I loved it, but I just don't feel like I was good enough to play in high school."
"I'm sure you were really good at it."
"Do you like books?"
"I love books. What's your favorite book?"
"Not going to lie, Harry Potter is still my favorite."
"That's mine too."
Eventually we give up on the questions and start talking about random things. After about three hours he decides he should leave. I leave my room and go downstairs for the first time in forever and stand at the door with him.
"We should do this again.You know, on a day I'm not teaching you all that complicated math. But just to get to know each other better."
"I agree."
"Be careful. Remember, call me if you need me."
"I will."
We stand there and he looks at me. He steps in close, but I stop him.
"Sorry, I just can't right now."
He looks a bit disappointed but he mumbles sorry and tells me bye. I close the door behind him, lean against it and let out a big, exasperated huff.
AN: Do you guys remember when I pretended to be myself and Hayley because my sister had found my account? I would always write all the kissing stuff as Hayley so it would seem like I didn't write it. Idk why I did that...I don't even know anyone named Hayley.
