Something Infinite

Chapter 47

Gemma's POV

The future seemed like such a frightening concept. You had so much more to achieve in life, so much change to be had, so many things to experience, life wouldn't be as you knew it. What I feared most was the uncertainty, making me anxious for how everything would turn out for me.

As someone who suffered anxiety, majority of my life, every minuscule situation was magnified in my mind. I was dreading today's appointment, because I was already fearing the worst outcome. Angus was being positive, which aggravated me because I knew he was getting his hopes up, and there was a chance I would let him down.

I sat on the windowsill in the lounge of my mothers home, staring out at the snow trickling down, covering the greenery of the front yard. My warm mug of coffee shook in my hands, indicating my nerves for what was to come today. It was either the anxiety kicking in, or my body going into survival mode to keep warm, I couldn't even tell anymore.

"Babe, are you ready to leave? It's probably going to be busy on the roads today, plus the speed limit has probably dropped because of the snow, so it will take a while to get into Manchester," my husband walked into the lounge, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Yeah, just give me a tick to get my coat, I'll meet you in the car," I nodded in his direction, faking a smile to mask my self doubt, and negative thoughts for the outcome of today.

"Okay," he nodded back, fiddling with the keys in his hands as his eyes trailed to the floor beneath him, turning away from me. Was he doubting things too? Was he as scared as I was? I thought I saw a glimmer of uncertainty in his demeanour, but that could have also have been because I had barely said a word to him all morning.

Angus was a sensitive man, contrary to how he acted around other people. Things affected him more than he lead on- actions against him tore him apart, and words of distaste towards him, hurt him more than he showed.

He perfected the facade of always being upbeat, and ready to hit you with the next witty comeback, but I knew him better than anyone else- I knew the man with insecurities, uncertainty, self doubt, and the constant need to be liked by people, including me.

It was a little deeper than me liking him, he needed me to show him I loved him, and wanted to be with him. I planted that doubt in his head earlier this year, and even though we were happily together now, I think he still thought that I would leave again, especially if I couldn't give him a child.

I loved that man with all I was, and all I had to give, losing him would  be losing me. All I knew myself to be for the last two years was his other half- his girlfriend, and now his wife. He was there everyday, if not physically, but mentally following me around. His scent lingered whenever I went, I'd memorised the smell as my favourite drug. I was addicted to him, as he was addicted to me- loving and fighting were our area of expertise.

I walked down my mothers hallway, catching a glimpse of a photo of Angus and I on our wedding day. We were dancing to something between Hanson and Aerosmith, I couldn't remember which, my head was pressed to his chest, his lips were pressed to the top of my head. I loved that day, I loved that moment, I loved us together.

No matter the outcome of today, I wouldn't give up on him. If I couldn't have his child naturally, then we would explore other options. The only thing I was certain of, was I would not lose him, my heart would not survive that again.

"Good luck today Gem," Jen startled me, wrapping her free arm around me, while Mia was forced into a group hug with us.

"Thanks Jen, I appreciate all the positive words you've had with me. I also appreciate this little ones hugs, thanks Mia," I distracted myself with my niece, playing with her until I got a smile in return.