Something Infinite

Chapter 18

Jen's POV

I was a little nervous for my first counselling session. I'd never quite understood why talking to a stranger about your issues, would help you in any way. I wasn't opposed to it, I just never thought I would ever be someone who would engage in it.

In the last twenty four hours, I'd felt a lot happier than I had been the past week, but I still had those little moments where I doubted myself, or I went to find Harry in the house only to remember he wasn't there.

Natalie was due to arrive any minute, and I had no idea what to expect from her. I knew nothing about her, besides the fact Nate said she was one of the best.

Mason had left in the morning to head to work, Sam was off taking Calum to the airport, and Gemma and Angus had taken Mia for a walk, so I could have privacy for my session.

Harry had sent through a goodnight message, but besides that I hadn't spoken to him since the phone call earlier this morning. I hated this distance thing, I had grown more used it now, but it still didn't get any easier not being able to walk into a room and see him there.

The doorbell chime had pulled me from my thoughts, and suddenly my stomach flipped with anticipation for what was to come. I made my way over to the door, opening to who I assumed was Natalie.

"Hi, are you Jenelle?" The younger than I expected looking brunette spoke.

"Yes...Natalie?" I questioned her. I didn't know why, but I expected an older woman to turn up to my house today, but this woman didn't seem to be all that much older than I was.

"Lovely to meet you," she extended her hand to me, giving me a firm shake before I lead her into the house. We decided on sitting in the lounge, then began our session.

She seemed friendly enough, she didn't push me too much in the beginning, she asked me questions about myself and how I'd been feeling the couple of weeks, and I explained to her my fear of failing as a mother, the loss of my grandfather, Bella being in the coma, and somehow we got on to the topic of my uncle Paul.

"Tell me about what happened," she encouraged me to open up. I hadn't spoken about it since I told Harry, after I was upset about him not selling his motorbike a few months ago.

I explained to her what had happened, and how incredibly close we were up until the months leading up to his death. It made me emotional to bring this all up again, especially to a stranger.

"I never got to say goodbye to him, I never got to say sorry for pushing him away, I just never got the closure I needed," I explained to her. She nodded along with what I was saying, processing what I had just said.

"Jenelle, what you went through during that period of time was guilt. You never really dealt with his death properly, and from what I can tell you haven't accepted the situation.

You have to find a way within yourself to let go of that guilt, because it is being carried with you to this current day. You said you didn't get to say goodbye to your uncle, nor your grandfather, you also mentioned falling out with your uncle, and not seeing your grandfather as much as you would have liked- you're carrying your guilt around with you, rather than accepting what has happened.

If you can't find a way to find closure with the situations, than your feelings will just resurface and build more and more, with every loss. It's hit you harder this time around, because you are carrying years worth of built up guilt, and letting it consume you.

The past always has a way of creeping up on you, even when you think you've let it go. Jenelle, there is nothing you could have done to prevent their deaths, and they both knew you loved them. Your behaviour and actions you say you feel guilty for, is something you need to accept responsibility for, and say goodbye to it.