Something Borrowed

Chapter 29: Hell Hath no Bounds

Neither Nathaniel nor I had spoken since I had entered into his office ten minutes ago. The tension was thick, suffocating me, but he didn't seem to notice-too engrossed in the paperwork in front of him. I don't know why I even bothered to show up. I supposed it was because I wanted to see him face to face-I hadn't seen him in three weeks, but I should have been used to the distance by now. We hardly saw each other anymore; he was so busy with other people he didn't even have the time to call.

I slowly walked around his spacious office, looking at the pictures he had in his office. A soft smile formed on my lips as I reached for an image on his bookshelf. It was a picture of us from the photo shoot in the Hamptons after the wedding. I remember how happy I was back then. So hopeful, so giddy, so ignorant to the fact that I'd live a life I'd resent myself for choosing.

Nathaniel held me in arms, hoisting me in the air so I was eye level with him. He was smiling broadly at me, one of the brilliant smiles I seldom saw, as the sun rose over the ocean, painting the sky a soft ballad of violet and pale blue. We were so young, so excited for the future. I didn't know that this was a game-I didn't know I was still a pawn-I thought that it was real, or it was at least real to me.

I had to tear my eyes away from the picture, setting it back on the shelf before doubt crept through me, making me second guess why I was here. I continued to peruse the shelves and froze when I came across a picture of Nathaniel and Portia. My blood ran cold as I turned the picture on its face, hiding the image. I shouldn't be jealous, I was the one who intruded on their happily ever after, but still the sight of his smile that he'd only worn for her was too much for me to bear. I wished, more than anything, that he cared for me even a little bit as he cared for her. Yes, I got his name, and the home I had always wanted, but I could never have his love, and that was all I really wanted, at least in the beginning.

I knew I shouldn't have turned the image on its face, but Nathaniel was too busy to notice my actions anyway. He was always too busy to notice me, even when I tried. It was like my cries were always met with silence. If I lived, or if I died, he would carry on his life the way he always had, he wouldn't miss a beat. If I disappeared today, I doubt he'd notice my absence. I'd spent three months in Paris and he didn't even bat an eye when he saw me walk in the office today. I played that small of a role in his life; I saw him less than my parent's saw each other during their first marriage, which made my skin crawl. I anticipated having some sort of relationship with my husband, not whatever this is. We were two strangers sharing a name and bank account.

I continued walking around the room, passing several more pictures of Nathaniel and me. I smiled bitterly as I stopped at the window, towering over the city. Anyone else would have thought Nathaniel and I to be this perfect couple. He was so good at pretending, and I was always so good at following his lead, no one had suspected a thing, not once in two years, until today.

She had planted the seed of doubt when she went to the media this morning, and truthfully, I was shocked it had taken her two years to finally come clean. I was exhausted from carrying out this charade. He screwed up; it is his problem. People are finally beginning to suspect the honest to God truth and I don't want to lie; not anymore. I wouldn't protect him from the media, from his friends, from his colleagues, from his parents. I refused to be his defense. If I was to be happy, I needed to think about myself, about Rafael, and think less of Nathaniel; the man I gave everything to, who treated it like it was nothing.

"Nathaniel," I whispered, breaking the silence, staring out the window of his office. He made some sort of noise behind me, too busy with his work to make out a sentence. I let out a cool breath before closing my eyes. It had to be done. It had to be said. I couldn't ignore it any longer. The elephant in the room could not be danced around. "I want a divorce," I said in a solute tone. The room was overwhelmingly silent. It was smothering me, making it difficult to think, so I continued. "I thought I could do it, but I can't-I can't be married to you any longer-"