33 Days To Live (Under Revision)

58

The hardest thing about waiting is thinking.

The mind is a dangerous place to be when waiting, especially when your waiting because of something that's killing you inside.

Knowing Lucy was two floors above me fighting for her life destroyed me in ways I couldn't explain and I couldn't even go see her because her family wanted to be the only ones up there. So all of us were sentenced to wait in the waiting room. As we waited hand in hand, everyone began reflecting on memories we had with Lucy.

Maybe if I had chimed in on the solemn conversation it would've helped me get out some of the immense pain I was feeling but all I could do was listen and reflect on my memories with her silently as I curled up in my chair and laid my head on Gene's shoulder.

That's how I've been for the past hour and she didn't complain once. It was our fourth day of being in the hospital waiting room. At first our parents argued with us that we should try to continue with our daily life and go to school but I think by the third day they accepted it would be a waste of time and energy for us to go to school.

All of us were angry with our peers, none of us could go a full two hours without starting to cry, and we all blamed ourselves in some way.

Gene blamed herself for pushing Victoria to the point of ruining Lucy's reputation, Leopold blamed himself for pretty much banning us from the lunch table, Andrew blamed himself for not telling the school board about the journal and for not being more supportive, Rodney blamed himself for not being a good enough friend, and I blamed myself for leaving her.

No matter what my friends said, no matter what mistake they blamed themselves for, I think everyone could silently agree that if I hadn't left her when she told me to this all wouldn't have happened.

It was killing me. It was killing me that I didn't stay, if I had just stayed and continued to fight with her until she calmed down then this probably wouldn't have happened. If I had just stayed I could've stopped her from doing something stupid. If I had just stayed maybe I could have convinced her I really did love her. If I had just stayed I wouldn't be sitting down here in this suffocating waiting room waiting for her to die.

I didn't want Lucy to die, I never did, but I really really didn't now. I don't know how I could survive going to school without her, how I could continue to do radio shows without her by my side, how I could love another girl again, it all seemed like an impossibility now. The more I thought about it, the tighter the knot in my chest became. So with a heavy sigh I sat up and ran my hands through my hair.

"Hey guys, I think I'm going to go on a walk." I informed and they all got up as well.

"We'll come with you," Gene said but I shook my head.

"No...no I need some time alone. Just stay here. I'll be back in a little bit." I promise and before they could argue I stuffed my hands in my pockets and walked away.

Because I still had my visitor's pass on me I free to roam for the most part and that was just what I did.

Unfortunately though the walk did more bad for me then good.

I walked past two friends giggling over how the one sprained her ankle, I walked past a dad rushing his wife into the maternity ward, I walked past an elderly couple walking hand in hand down the hallway, and many other things that made my heart heavy because their lives were going on.

The thing though that made my dry eyes well up with tears again was when I walked past the children's ward and I saw a mother with her little girl and the little girl looked just like Lucy when she was that age I was sure.