If I learned anything in the news, there are three types of news.
1) It gets bloody serious which the whole world is affected
2) Stuff you didn't know, but doesn't affect you.
And the stuff we're gonna talk about:
3) F'loop'd up news titles
F'loop'd Up News
•One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers
Is the news really gonna steep that low with disability?*hides arm behind back and attempts to clap* *slaps everywhere; noodle arms* This is the best he can do! *continues, then slaps butt* I'm bringing sexy back! Yeah!
•Man accused of killing lawyer, receives new attorney
That attorney obviously didn't get the memo...
•Authorities pursue man running with scissors
*crouch down* -talks in high pitch- Hear that children. Never run with scissors. It's a bad habit. You may end up like this guy.
•Local child wins gun from fundraiser
That must be SOME fundraiser, eh? Second amendment is awesome!
•Florida woman calls 911 after McDonalds runs out of McNuggets
The true face of America...
•Video gets kids away from TV
So, when parents say too much TV is bad for you, why on earth does everyone watch youtube? Thanks a lot internet! We evolved!
•Meeting on open meetings is closed
*stops to comprehend paradox* This paradox is confusing.
•Pigs die as houses blown down
The modern three little pigs. Only this time, the big bad wolf is a big bad tornado.
•Person serving 2000 year sentence could face more time
*facepalm* So you're gonna let a corspe live in person? Why not bring back mummification?! That's an awesome idea.
•Total lunar eclipse broadcasted on... Radio...
So apparently, if the sun and moon block each other, does it make a sound? Another riddle to confuse everyone!
•So there was this squirrel
A squirrel? That's nuts! Haha! Get it! Squirrels! Nuts! Anyone? F'loop you! That was funny.
•I was paralyzed by pork chop
I know we're the fattest people in the world, but really?
•Cuteness kills people
Then why the f'loop do people watch My Little Pony?
•Palombi bus crashes, people with minor injuries
Well if it's minor, what's the problem?
•Car crashes into boat in Spring Lake
Explain that!
•Man with sword shot by police
Reinforces the "Don't bring an overlarged knife to a gunfight."
•Death is the nation's top killer
*brain explodes* What's number two?
•Man arrested for everything
That man lived a full life.
•County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.
I wonder how we got a national debt in the first place... We have too much money to pay for our debt! Can you see the contridictions here?!
•Parents keep kids home to protests school closure
Well, if the school is closed, what's the hell is the problem? Here's what I say: Let the adults fight while we, the children, benefit by doing nothing!
•Woman attacks man with a bowl of spaghetti
Olive Garden! You have a lot of explaining to do!
News. It's bloody stupid. Make everyone public for stuff we won't even publicly show our friends. But, somehow, they'll tell it better than you can. They keep us interested, let me tell you. They use the most interesting stuff you'll ever see or hear.
News isn't straightforward. It's like a book. It gives you a summary at the beginning to hook you up for the rest of the news.
Here are some more examples:
•Man saves dog from sinking ship, then comes for wife
I applaud your chastity sir!
•Rob Zombie complains of noise
For those of you who don't know Rob Zombie, you don't understand the irony of this.
•Man eats underwear to beat breathalyzer.
*pause* The sad thing is this is the smartest news we've got so far.
•Condom truck slips; spills load
*slowly start to laugh* Sorry, sorry... Just- *uncontrollable laughter* Ok, what's next?
•Missing bird; found lying dead in owner's cage
Sounds like a losing a bad phone. It's like losing an LG or an iPhone air. Or Nokia. Some of these morons still have a Nokia. "We brought a Nokia!" My god...
•Army vehicle disappears after being painted camouflage
Mission accomplished!
•Homeless man under house arrest
I'm not sure whether this is charity or cruel unusual punishment.
•Attorney accidentally sues himself
How does that work? Well, at least he's not the attorney defending a lawyer killer.
•Sewage spill kills fish, but water safe to drink
Remember, our sewage is our shit. We have a problem if our shit kills others, but safe for ourselves. Like a fart. Good for us, bad for everyone else. Farting should be illegal.
•Cops found unusual vehicle at mailboxes, turns out to be mailman
Moral of the story: Mailmen stalk mailboxes.
•Federal agents raid gun shop; found weapons
You don't say?
•Who would win the presidential election? Yes or no?
How's does that work? But a better question is: Which one is a democrat and which one is a republican? We can trust that the news stations will be unbiased. *smile and thumbs up*
