Living With O2L

Chapter Fifty

Connor left me alone in the room to think, as he shut the door I felt myself lose it. I flopped over and grabbed a pillow hugging it close to my body. I then just let everything come out. It hurt so much, everything hurt. It hurt to breathe, move, talk, think, anything and everything hurt. I could feel myself losing it, I got up shaking, bright red and tears still falling. I slowly walked myself to the bathroom ignoring everyone asking me if I was okay as I passed, how dare they even ask me if I was okay?! Of course I wasn't okay! I felt myself becoming angry and pushed the thoughts away, after all it wasn't their fault at all. Trevor just isn't in to girls... or maybe he's just not into me?.. I finally reached the bathroom. I silently opened the door and walked in closing the door behind me. I sat on the floor and tried to breathe. Everything felt heavy, my clothes were suddenly to tight, they were so tight it felt like i was being strangled. I had to get it off, I couldn't be in these clothes! Why were they so tight?! I frantically started pulling at my clothes trying to get them off, but because of how worked up I was I couldn't do it. Now  I was panicking, I started to cry even harder granting and yelling while stuck. I felt like I was dying, everything around me was closing in. 

I wanted so bad to just be free of this feeling, I wanted to be free of these clothes, I was crying and screaming when the door opened and Jc stepped in, I could see the look on his face. HE was terrified, I looked at him out of breath, bright red and pleaded, "Please... help me get this off..,, Please I can't breathe." I saw him look at me for a moment before snapping back and realizing what what was going on. He rushed over to the ground where I sat and gently pulled my shirt and pants off leaving me now in just panties and a bra. He pushed everything to the other side of the room and sat down next to me. "Kitty.. just breathe okay?" Jc finally spoke, I could hear the panic slowly leaving. I felt his arm wrap around me and pull me closer, "It's all gonna be okay, I'm here okay? I'm here.."

---------------------------------------------

One week later:

It had been about a week, everything still hurt... so much. I hadn't even talked to Trevor yet. I knew I couldn't handle it. So I sat in my room. Not speaking. Sometimes one of the boys or Sammy would come in to say hi or bring food and water but other than that I really didn't move. It felt like somebody took my heart and smashed it into a million pieces. I just didn't have the will to move. 

I was sitting in the dark alone when I heard a knock on the door, like normal I just flipped towards the wall so not to be seen and ignored the moving in the room. For a while the person moved about, fumbling with things before finally speaking, "Kitty, I have to talk to you." IT was Trevor I felt a pain in my heart again but, I didn't answer or look. "I know you don't want to talk to me and I get that.. I really do... I'm so sorry for what I did to you.." I felt a tear roll down my face but I wasn't going to let him see me cry. I couldn't. 

"What do you want Trevor?" I asked blandly. 

I felt the awkwardness in the room grow before he replied, "I just wanted to tell you I made a video.. everyone knows... I'm sorry I really... truly hope we can be friends again at some point. You do mean a lot to me."

I felt myself start to slip, "If I mean so much to you just leave me the hell alone okay?" I yelled, I was fighting all my emotions now. I didn't want him here. I also didn't want or mean to be that harsh... It just was too much... 

After a moment I heard him say, "I understand, I'm sorry.." He voice trialed off as he turned and walked out of the room.

I was both relived and upset that he made the video, I was tired of hear on twitter about how we are "goals" and how cute me are... or well how cute we were... I rolled, faced the other side of the room and fell asleep. 

When I woke from my sleep I sat up and grabbed my phone, I started scrolling through all the notifications I had, ignoring most of them. I was about to put my phone back down when I saw a notification "Trevor posted a new video: 'My sexuality? And all about Kitty and I'" I clicked on it and watched. I felt horrible.. I saw the pain in his eyes.. I saw how hard he was fighting tears as he talked about us. I couldn't take it anymore, I paused the video and scrolled to the comments. I started reading some, most where supportive and loving but some where hateful and rude. Then it caught my eye. The comment read, "No wounder he's gay lol did u see the gurl he was dating, GROSS. Am I right?" I felt my chest sink... of course... I forgot about the haters... this should be fun. I read through the replies. Most agreed with person. It hurt.. It really hurt..

I am done.. I am so done... I don't want to be here and nobody else wants me here. That is obvious. This it it.. I'm really gonna do it. I'm finally gonna go for good. This is goodbye...