I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)

Chapter 32 - Riley

We manage to find seats and sit down to watch West. I look around. Suddenly it dawns on me how many people are here. How many people could see me fail. How many people could see me embarrass myself, this time on stage, in full view of everyone.

I shuffle around in my seat, unable to shake that thought from my mind. I look up, realising West's about to go on stage.

"Woo! Go West!" I look right and see Giselle cheering loudly a few seats along from me. West hears her and gives her a thumbs up. I smile slightly. Her and him would be great together. But I'm too busy sorting out my own relationship to try and get another one to happen. So, for now I guess nothing will happen. Unless it does without me... Like everything and everyone else, it doesn't really need me at all...

His music starts and I'm suddenly reminded of the last time I heard his music: the panic attack one week ago. My heart rate begins to quicken as I find myself imagining it happening again onstage. It... it can't do! I can't have another thing go wrong for me. I look at Emily. She, like everyone else, is completely focused on the stage - I'm the only one looking around.

When I'm getting into this state I can't really help it, I just can't stay still. I'm so tempted to get up to get some air before I have to go on, but I can't just get up in the middle of his dance.

Uncomfortably, I remain in my seat for the rest of his dance. As soon as it finishes, I quickly get up, following Giselle and the others to make it look like I'm getting up to see West. But as soon as we head towards his dressing room, I veer off down the corridor, in search of a back door leading to somewhere outside, away from onlookers, for me to be alone for a few moments to try and clear my head.

Walking down another corridor, I check my phone. Oh god. I've only got 10 more minutes to calm myself down and get myself together before going to register. Because, right now, I don't feel like I can do this. It's a feeling of self-doubt I don't think 10 minutes and some fresh air is going to be able to shake. It's something deeper than that. Maybe I should just admit defeat now...?

No. I can't. I've managed to hide my problems for a week now, it must be possible for one more day! Reaching the end of a corridor, I go round the corner and find myself at the main entrance. Ugh, well fresh air from out in public view is better than no air at all.

I make my way through the large groups congregated in the lobby and find myself getting dizzy again, knowing exactly what's about to hit me: my claustrophobia, another thing that holds me back. No, no, no! I speed up, trying to get away from everyone. If someone notices me having a panic attack, they'll probably be concerned and want to help deal with it. But it's... embarrassing, and I don't want people to know, especially other dancers - because they'll just view it as one less person to have to go up against.

I get past everyone and go to stand by a tree on the opposite side of the road. Resting my hand on the rough bark, I stare up at the competition building. Can I really do this? My heart rate is continuing to increase and I haven't even gone to register yet. This is worse than nerves: this state is paralysing me and I'm surprised I haven't started to hyperventilate yet. I guess it's only a matter of time...

What if I go wrong? What if I somehow can't do the routine I choreographed myself? What if I fall over? What if I break down onstage? I'll let everyone down, and I'll just want to die. But I can't not do it; Miss Kate picked me because she thought I was capable. So maybe I should have a little more faith in myself...?

I check my phone. My heart plummets to the bottom of my stomach as I see I've only got 2 more minutes to be out here. It's not enough time to calm myself down, I need hours for that - and there has to be no dance competition at the end, obviously.