I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)

Chapter 37 - Riley

I can't believe I fell for it twice. I ignored all the signs, stupidly blinded by what I thought was love. As I walk home, I regret not wearing a coat. I regret not accepting James' offer too, but then I remember - the ride home was offered by James.

James, the guy who used to seem like he loved me, the guy who made me feel secure, the only person that could make me better. Aside from the dips of our relationship, he made me feel whole. And now it's all just... gone. And I'm not sure how to come back from that.

I know it's stupidly cliché to say it, but I just feel so lost. I wasn't going to tell him about my anxiety, but if I somehow changed my mind about that, he would've been the person I would have told.

I trusted him, I really did. Despite him kissing Beth, I forgave him and started to trust him again. I thought the fact that he knew doing that list would give him only one more chance would be enough to stop him from doing anything with another girl again. But I guess I was wrong.

Reaching home, I knock on the front door, realising I should've taken a key. After a few moments, Emily opens the door.

"Oh, hey." she says. Then she stops. "Have you been crying?"

"Uh..." I can't exactly say I haven't when she can already tell I have. "James and I were just watching a sad movie." I say quickly.

"Where is he?" Emily says, looking round. "He usually stays for a while on the doorstep."

"You notice that?"

"Yeah... Why wouldn't I? I'm your sister, I'm observant."

"Oh, well, he went." I gesture vaguely behind me.

"You walked?" She continues to question.

"Yeah, how did you know?" I ask, slightly taken aback by how much she knows.

"I didn't hear his car." she says, finally letting me in.

"Um, well, yeah..." I mutter, unsure what to tell her and what to keep to myself. Right now, all I want to do is be alone and, to be honest, just... cry.

I can't believe something bad like this has happened again. I can't believe James. I can't believe Michelle either - she was supposed to be my best friend. What the hell happened to sisters before misters?! I can't believe myself either. I fell for every one of his stupid lies just because I wanted what he said to be true. Sometimes you just have to face facts, Riley. You're just not good enough.

Unlike Michelle - she's perfect. She's so seemingly flawless, she won Miss National Soloist twice in a row, she's popular, she's unbelievably pretty, she's just all-round amazing. It makes so much sense why James would like her over me. It's just the people who see just that don't see everything else about her. She's manipulative, calculating, a great actress (in the sense that she's a complete faker) - she's really changed so much since I first met her over two years ago. Or maybe it was all an act in the first place...

But anyway, I see through her. She never wanted to be my friend, she just wanted to get closer to James. She knew we were going out, but jealousy obviously got the better of her, and she knew she wanted to take him away from me. And being Michelle, she got what she wanted.

I hope they're happy together. I don't care. I don't need either of them. This doesn't affect me... Right? It's not like Michelle took the last thing I had away from me. It totally doesn't mean I have no one to turn to about my problems - not that I really did anyway.

Now sitting alone in my room, I glance behind me. Luckily, Emily didn't follow me. I don't want her to see me like this. I can't let anyone see me like this. I'm alone, and now it has to stay that way. I've trusted people one too many times, hoping each new person would be different. But they're all exactly the same, and I can't bear to be hurt again.

I just can't get past the fact James cheated on me. I mean, with Nick, I can understand, I was young and easily-manipulated. I wouldn't have even noticed if Nick was with another girl, I was just constantly preoccupied with the pain and dread that consumed me every time I saw him.

I'm still trying not to think about what he did, but the effect of what he did to me never fails to be felt. He used me, he hurt me, he exploited me and he knew what he wanted. Why he had to pick me, I don't know. All I know is that I never want anyone to hurt me again.

But that didn't happen. James did hurt me. I thought he was different, but I was proven wrong yet again. I feel like everything I love is slowly being taken away from me, and when it's all gone, there'll be nothing worth living for anymore. But I have to keep going. I've got to continue to pretend I'm fine with everything, I can't show anyone how much this is killing me.

I wipe my face, only just realising from the moisture on my hands that I've been crying. I glance quickly behind me as I hear movement on the stairs. Uh oh, someone's coming. Hastily trying to get a grip, I finish wiping my face.

"Ri?" I hear Emily's voice on the landing.

"Yeah?" I say wearily. She peers around the door.

"Did you want to talk about yesterday?" she asks, walking into my room. "I've just been thinking about it a lot today."

"Emily. I'm fine. Just leave it!" I snap. She looks slightly taken aback. Oops. Well, trying not to show your feelings worked really well there, Riley. Ugh, why are you so useless at everything?

"Riley, I know you're probably embarrassed about it or something, but it's only me." Emily says persistently.

"Wow. You think that's what this is all about? Well you are so wrong!" I reply, tears threatening to reappear. "Please get out of my room." I add quietly.

"Fine." she says, walking out of my room. "Just so you know, that was the final time I was allowing you to just tell me. I'm still going to find out though."

No she won't, will she? She can't if I won't tell her, it's not like anyone else knows...

I change into my pyjamas, knowing there's nothing else to do apart from wrapping myself in blankets and sitting by myself. I'm worried about the future. I can tell things are just going to escalate - but there's nothing I can do about it. All I know is that I've got to keep everything to myself - I've got no one to trust anymore - and even if things do get worse, I can't show it. My spot in A Troupe has to stay that way: my spot. I have to keep dancing. No matter how much it will hurt to see James, and James with Michelle, and everyone else doing fine - and having to deal with my anxiety, I have. To keep. Dancing.

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There's chapter 37! Hope you enjoyed it :)

What do you think will happen next? Will Riley stay away from James? Will James stay away from Riley? Will Riley talk to Piper? Will Emily find out what's going on?

The next chapter will hopefully be up very soon (if I can be organised, which isn't exactly my strong point ;) but I'll try my best)

If I don't manage to update again before Sunday, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas! :)

absolutetns xx