I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)

Chapter 49 - Riley

Neither of them will stop texting me. But one's definitely worse than the other. When I called Nick the other night, he didn't pick up, which was such a relief, but then he just got more and more angry at me.

I know James has texted me, but I can't reply. I've given too much away already, I can't just pour my heart out to him, I don't trust him anymore, and I don't think I ever will again, even if I can't get him out of my mind. I can't tell anyone about Nick, they wouldn't understand that I just can't escape him.

I need to see you. Nick sends again.

No you don't, you wouldn't want to. I reply in an attempt to put him off.

I've seen your pics, you've definitely improved, when can I see you again?

Nick, I start, but I can't type another word, my hands are shaking too much. He's been looking for pictures of me. He's seen pictures of me. He wants to meet me. I don't want to meet him... But when have I ever had a choice in this?

How old are you now? he sends. I still don't reply.

Riley, I asked you a question.

15 I send, instantly regretting it.

You seem older than that. It doesn't matter though, we can still have fun. he replies instantly.

Nick, I don't want to have your kind of fun.

I don't care. You know what happens when you don't listen to me, Riley. And he knows that I definitely do.

Please leave me alone. I send desperately. I can't meet him again. I know what he'll do. I know I'm older now, but it's still the same. I can't handle it. I'll get hurt again. But this time, no one is there to care. I doubt anyone even remembers him, I always had to lie about who I was with when I went places with him. I mean, it's not like I wanted to lie, he just forced me to, because he knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go with him otherwise.

Fine, you leave me no choice. he sends suddenly and I temporarily stop breathing. What? What's he going to do? Will he hurt someone? Will he find me?

Nick, what do you mean?

I'm coming to your house, Riley. I know where you live.

I stand up suddenly. No. No no no. He can't. Please someone, make him not come. I don't want to see him, I don't want to meet him, I don't want to do anything with him... However, I think it's inevitable.

Emily is in the bathroom, so I can't get in there, even though I really need to. I stand in the hallway, trying my best not to burst into tears. I have to be stronger than that, even if deep down I know I'm not. Others can't see that. I don't want to be considered weak just because I don't have any energy and my limbs are so thin. I don't want to be considered stupid just because I don't want to eat and am basically starving myself. I'm not an attention seeker, so if I hurt myself, it's not so others can see, it's to try and deal with the pain of everything else in a way I actually have control of. It's also a way that prolongs the time it is until I end up taking it further. But no one knows about any of that.

Emily comes out of the bathroom and frowns.

"Why are you just standing here?" she demands.

"I, um, needed to use the bathroom." I answer.

"You could have just used the one downstairs."

"No! I have to use this one." I say loudly and freeze. Uh oh, maybe I've just given something away. Emily raises an eyebrow.

"Oh really? And why's that? Little Riley doesn't like the downstairs one? She'll only use this one because she's a fussy little princess? Is that right?" she says harshly.

"No, um... just no. I'm using this one, please just move out the way." I mumble wearily, tired of our constant arguments.

"Fine whatever. Just stop acting so mopey all the time. You don't even have a reason, it's stupid."

I glare at her.

"Emily stop making assumptions. You don't know anything about me." I say.

"Oh, so there is something wrong?" she asks, saying the exact thing I was hoping she wouldn't ask.

"Well no..."

"Now you're just making no sense. Well that's great, isn't it?" she says, rolling her eyes before going off to her room.

As soon as she leaves, I close the door and lock it, getting out my phone.

"Why won't he stop?" I whisper as I read Nick's messages. Eventually the words begin to blur until I can't even distinguish one from another, they're just a dark mess on the screen. Trying to suppress them with no success, tears stream down my face and hit my phone screen, the sound ringing in my ears as if it was thunder. I know I'm going crazy. I know I'm weak - and stupid too. But I know this isn't just my fault anymore. My mind isn't just messed up because of me. Nick's impact on my life was bigger than anything, even more than James - even more than dance. Yet some crazy thought inside me tells me I need to take the blame. And I know the rational side of my brain is slowly losing its power. Suddenly it feels selfish to put the blame on anyone else - suddenly I know what I need to do.

Bending down to the cupboard under the sink, I don't even hesitate to think about it. I've done it too many times before for it to even properly register in my mind. It helps, I guess, but it leaves evidence behind. And it's only a matter of time before that evidence is found, no matter how hard I've been trying to hide it.

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So there's chapter 49! What did you make of it?

What's Riley been doing (and obviously still doing...)? Will anyone find out about it? When will Nick come? Will anyone else see him? Will anyone else remember him? How much longer till the end of the book? (Still a bit more to go ;) )

Thank you as usual for all your continued support! Please continue to do so, I love you all :D

Just a note about next chapter, it starts off in one pov then changes to another, but I'll make that clear then ;) I just want to make it quite a long chapter :D