I couldn't bring myself to go to dance yesterday. I just knew something would happen, and there'd be no way I'd be able to keep the way I am a secret for any longer.
I've started counting the days. One more day of surviving is meant to make me feel positive, but all I feel is regret about not just ending things sooner. The stupid thing is I don't even know what I'm living for anymore. I don't have friends, I don't have family... I have nothing. My existence is basically pointless, why am I even here?
"Riley?" Emily says, suddenly bringing me out of my thoughts. I'm sat in the kitchen, not eating anything, but just sitting.
"What?" I ask, looking up at her as she walks into the kitchen.
"Do I look alright?" she asks.
"You look fine, why?" I mutter.
"Because I have school today, I need to look good."
"Oh, okay, well have a nice time."
"Aren't you going?" she asks, frowning.
"Wasn't planning to." I reply, casting my eyes away from her gaze.
"Oh Riley, you're not going to start skipping school as well as dance! Get your uniform on." she says suddenly. I stand up, narrowing my eyes.
"Why should I?"
"Because I'm not letting you mess up your life just because you 'don't feel like doing things'." she says, taking hold of my arm.
"Ow," I wince, snatching my arm away. I freeze, hoping she didn't notice anything. "Your, um, grip was too tight." I add quickly, moving out of the room before she decides to pursue any interrogative questions she has, because no doubt she still wants to interfere.
I run upstairs, ignoring the dizziness I feel, knowing my body's so empty that if I shoved my fingers down my throat, almost nothing would happen. I just have to bear with the nauseousness.
Chucking on my uniform quickly, I hear Emily come upstairs.
"You're going to go to dance too by the way." she says, peering round my door. I sigh.
"So you're suddenly allowed to tell me what to do?" I say defensively, then bite my tongue. Just shut up, Riley.
"Yeah, I am. I'm in charge for 3 weeks, what else do you expect?" she replies sharply. "I'll come find you after school, so we can walk to dance together."
"Great." I give her a fake smile and grab my phone. "Let's go then."
*********************
I walk out of school, feeling even worse than I did this morning. Little things, like watching others together, like not having enough energy to run round the whole field and having a detention because of it, like sitting in the rank toilets all lunchtime just to avoid human interaction, made everything so harder and I don't even know how I'm going to make it through this dance session.
I look up, hearing Emily's voice. Oh great, she's with Hunter. So I'm just going to have to walk along with them both even though they both hate me.
"Hi." I mutter as I approach them.
"Hi sis." Emily says, surprisingly happy.
"Hey Riles!" Hunter says. My head snaps up and I instantly lock eyes with him.
"Please don't call me that." I say through gritted teeth. I really don't want to be reminded of the person who used to call me that...
"Sorry, sorry!" Hunter says, holding his hands up in the air. Emily laughs, looking up at him.
"Chill Riley, Hunter's just trying to be nice to you, even though you don't deserve it seeing as you're really horrible to be around right now." Emily says, looking at me, smiling sarcastically. I dig my nails into my palms, as Hunter clears his throat.
"So, um, should we go to the studio?"
*********************
Emily and Hunter swan into Studio A ahead of me, even though their rehearsal's in Studio B.
"Hey!" All the girls say, running over to them. Emily giggles.
"Hey, it's great to be back!" she says, hugging them all.
"Yo bro!" Eldon says, walking over to Hunter and starting a conversation with him, which, after not very long, the other boys join in with.
I stand in the background, unsure what to do. I'm not sure how long I can stand here watching them, I just feel so uncomfortable. Deciding to get out of there, I make my way to the toilets.
As soon as I open the door, I catch sight of myself in the mirror and stop in my tracks, allowing the door to swing shut behind me.
"Oh... my..." I can't even finish my sentence. I just... never realised it had affected me physically so much. My reflection is so mesmerisingly awful that I can't look away.
My skin is grey, my eyes look dead, any shadows of laughter lines have ceased to exist. I slowly move towards the mirror, placing one hand on my cheek. It's ice cold, like I feel inside - lonely, empty, isolated.
But that's what you wanted Riley. You didn't want others near you, you wanted to be left alone and forgotten, and now you've got it. Riley, this is a good thing, look at yourself. You're slimmer than all the girls in A Troupe now, that's one thing you can be happy about now. Why give up starving yourself now? You know it stops you being fat like you were before. Keep up whatever this is, this is how you wanted things to be.
The door opens suddenly and I spin round to face the person entering. Of all people, it's Michelle. I bite my tongue, willing her to say something first. She stares at me for several moments.
"Umm hi." she mutters.
"Hi." I reply, telling myself not to let her set me off.
"We're starting rehearsals in a couple of minutes by the way, if you're actually going to bother to join us." she says casually, going into a cubicle. "James still says he has something to say to you, surprisingly. I thought he would stop talking to you, because I mean, what's there to want to talk to?" she says, then suddenly she stops. "Oh, I'm saying this out loud." I hear her mutter.
"Wow Michelle, you're really not going to stop are you?" I say, quickly leaving the toilets and returning to Studio A.
I look at everyone as I re-enter, noticing that no one even notices me.
"Right, most people are here, let's start!" Giselle calls out. Hunter and Emily walk past me, and, guess what, they both ignore me too. Do I no longer exist to anyone...?
"We'll, um, practise duets today. Maybe it might encourage you to audition tomorrow, because we need to win this time. Pick your partners." she says, walking over to West. I glance over at Michelle, who returned a couple of minutes ago. She instantly goes towards James.
"So, we're partners, obviously. Coming over later?" she says to him loudly. I glance down at my hands. Oh well whoopee for them, they can go practise their duet and I'm sure it'll be amazing. I mean, what's the point of me even partnering up with anyone, it's not like I'll perform even if I do get picked. I can't risk it again. But who am I kidding? They wouldn't even reconsider picking me again anyway, my dancing just isn't good enough and I'm barely on this team anyway. I shouldn't even be here.
"Hey, Riles." I hear James say nearby and I suddenly look up, instantly on guard. "I really need to talk to you. Like right now."
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CHAPTER 42!!! :D hope you liked it :)
What has James got to say to Riley? Will Michelle and Riley ever be friends again? Are Michelle and James dating? Why is nobody noticing anything about Riley? Is there something else I'm not telling you? ;)
Please continue to read, comment and vote, it's always always appreciated! :D
I'm getting bad at sticking to deadlines at the moment, so I'm not going to give a definite day for the next update, but I'll try my hardest to make it as soon as possible!
Love you all :)
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I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)
Fanfiction'Why does everything keep reminding me of the past? I don't want a repeat and I certainly don't want to be reminded. It hurts too much. One more thing and I might just be pushed over the edge...' Everything always looks fine from the outside. Riley...
