I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)

Chapter 45 - Riley

"You're coming today, right?" Emily asks as I sit in the corner of the lounge.

"Um, yeah, I guess." I mutter in response. It's James' mum's birthday today and, as much as I don't want to go where James is, I have to go for Deborah's sake, because she's been like a second mum to me and our families are pretty close. Only because they don't know about me and James, I guess...

"Have you got the cake?" Emily asks Dad, whilst reaching out to grab my hand. I flinch away.

"What are you doing?" I ask defensively.

"Trying to help you up, jeez..." she replies, walking out into the hallway. "We're getting in the car, if you'd care to join us."

I roll my eyes, but find myself sighing at the same time. So now everyone thinks I'm too lazy to do things? It's totally not like I can't do things so that's why I don't do them... No one understands. No... I'm not letting them understand, that's why this is happening. I think... I think maybe I've taken this isolation thing a step too far... But I can't change it. But I need someone... I need James.

I slowly get into the car, barely having the energy to lift my leg up inside. Emily glares at me from the other side so I turn away to look out the window.

"Seeing as we're going to see the Tordjmans, how are you and James?" Dad asks from the driver's seat and suddenly it feels like my insides have just fallen away. I can't think about him. I can't think about what he did. No, no, that's not the problem, I can't breathe.

Riley, Riley, no, not now, calm down, calm down, Riley stop! You can't lose it now, breathe breathe BREATHE.

Useless, that's what you are Riley. Your lungs are useless, your body is useless, your existence is useless, why are you even here? You're going to JAMES' house, why would you even consider doing something as stupid as that?

No, Riley, seriously, you're going to be okay. Don't listen to those thoughts. Just breathe, pray no one noticed and carry on. You've been doing it for weeks, why let your guard down now?

I think I'm going mad, I don't know which part of my brain to listen to. I know what I'm doing isn't rational, but it's too late.

"Um... we're um, great..." I manage to string together before I stop permitting myself to speak.

"Oh really?" Emily fires back. I nod half-heartedly in response and look out the window again.

Everyone is silent for the rest of the journey and, after what seems like an eternity, we arrive at the Tordjmans' house. They all get out quickly, leaving me to struggle out by myself. Not that I could ask anyone for help anyway, it can't be like that, even if Emily does want to know what's going on. I just can't tell her, because I know exactly how she'll react. She still won't understand, and she'll try to interfere in that meddling way of hers.

Mum greets Deborah as she takes the cake inside and, as she walks down the hallway, I catch Emily up, glancing around for James. I want to see him so badly, yet I don't want to see him at all. For some reason, we're still both acting like nothing's changed in our relationship, so I'm guessing it just looks like everything's normal with us. Well, I'm hoping it does.

He emerges from the bathroom, fiddling with his hair. When he sees we've arrived, he stops and, after a few moments, makes eye contact with me.

"Hey," he says, smiling slightly. "How are you babe?" he adds, resting his arm on my back. I freeze. I know it's an act, I know it's all fake, but I can't help wishing it was real. I can't help wishing he was different too, my feelings for him are still undeniably strong, I just wish he still wanted me.