I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)

Chapter 54 - Riley

A week ago today I lost it. Completely. But then I guess, maybe that was a good thing. I'm slowly realising - or I guess, being convinced - that killing myself, or just cutting, wasn't the answer. I know that sounds cliché, but it's the kind of thing the therapists are trying to drum into me to ensure I don't deteriorate again. And I'm trying my best to listen. I'm getting there, but I'm not quite there yet: no doubt I'll have to stay here until I am.

I'm on this mental ward in a treatment centre, 'getting help' or whatever it's being referred to as. James was right, I hacked away at my arms pretty badly, and now they're all infected. Well, they've been like that for a while, I just chose to ignore it... Stupid, I know, but that's me. No, was me. Things are gonna be okay now, Riley, you did the right thing. Even if you don't feel like you did. Be positive.

Wait, positive hasn't been a word in my dictionary for so long it almost feels like speaking a different language. Maybe it's only my meds and this small piece of happiness is only temporary but I'm learning to appreciate the things I have whilst they're there. I thought I had nothing to live for, but I know now that I was wrong. James was right yet again: people only checked up on me because they cared. My brain just wouldn't let me see it that way, even if that's what it needed to see in order to get better.

I feel like an idiot and everyone knowing all the problems I have is embarrassing, but there's nothing that can be done about that now and I have to live with it. Because that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to live.

"Are you okay?" Mum says, from the chair beside the bed. I'm not even sure why I'm in a bed to be honest, about 80% of my issues are mental and the physical illnesses aren't exactly immobilising. I guess it's because they don't trust me not to go home and do something stupid. With my brain in the between-messed-up-and-fine state that it is right now, I'm not sure I completely trust myself either.

"Well, I guess I've been better." I reply, smiling weakly. She rests a hand on the bedsheet, being careful to avoid my scars.

"I'm sorry this happened. Your father and I should have noticed... I'm your... mother..." she trails off, gulping.

"I didn't think you'd want to care, you had work - it was always the priority. I didn't see the point in bothering you over something I was handling myself..."

"You weren't handling it though... I'm sorry."

"Mum, stop apologising, everything that's happened, happened. That's it." I reply quickly, blinking rapidly. Mum nods, actually noticing that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

"I'll go find Emily, if you want? I'm sure she'll be allowed to come in now."

I nod a little in response and lie back, resting my head on the pillow. I hear the door click shut and let out a huge sigh. I don't like it here. People come in constantly, come over to check up on certain things, ask questions, it's constant stress. And I guess everyone now knows I can't handle that...

"Riley..." Emily says and I lift my head up slightly to see her peering around the door.

"Hi." I mumble. She sits down where Mum sat not too long ago. Neither of us talk so we sit in silence for a few moments.

"I... I... don't know..." she says and sighs.

"What?" I ask, confused.

"Anything. Why I didn't try harder. Why I didn't try to see things from your side. Why I didn't notice what was right in front of me." She sighs again. "I'm sorry."

"Emily, I don't want apologies, I haven't seen you for a week, I've already had enough 'poor me' chats with Mum and Dad. This... was all my fault anyway..." I mumble. I don't know why, but despite everything I told to James, I still feel I caused it all, like everything's my fault. I don't like to make other people feel bad or guilty, even when I think I should be trying to. Like when James asked whether my arms were his fault, I couldn't do it to him to say it was... even if he was a factor. He left me despite him knowing I needed him and everything just escalated from there, especially with Nick's return. Oh wait, I didn't show him I needed him, and I'd never tell him that. Yet again, it's my fault... No. Maybe it just has to be the fault of both of us? I just can't think straight.