I Can't Cope (COMPLETED)

Chapter 39 - Riley

Quick author's note - You may want to familiarise yourself with the song mentioned in this chapter (if you don't know it already) in order to appreciate its relevance, although this isn't absolutely necessary (it is a good song tho and it's by Ariana Grande ;) )

Anyway, enjoy the chapter ;)

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Quickly connecting my phone up to the speakers, I put my playlist on shuffle and decide to just freestyle, letting my body move in whatever way feels right.

As the first verse plays, it suddenly clicks how much this song isn't helping. I mean, it's Thinking Bout You, the lyrics of that are painfully relevant.

Cause I'm here all alone, I know I can't wait until you get home

I have no one right now, there's no one to comfort me, or make me feel safe, or even just feel wanted. I know I still want James, but he won't ever come back. He chose Michelle because he didn't want me, there's no reason he'd return. I mean, it's me, no one has ever wanted, or will want, me for anything other than someone to play with for a warped sense of fun.

I try to make it through the night but I can't control my mind

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm barely living. My thoughts are getting worse and worse, and there's so many things I can't do anymore. Dance is the only thing I have and I don't even know how much longer that will keep me sane. I just have an unshakeable feeling I'm going to completely lose it soon and I have to make sure I'm alone, I can't let anyone see me the way I am.

Every lyric of the song stabs me as I continue to dance, as if the shuffle was planned, like my phone wants to cause me pain. I want to change the song so badly, but something makes me carry on. I dance harder than ever before, determined to block everything out: I'm desperate to escape from where I am right now. But as hard as I try to ignore it all, the waves of all-consuming sickness eventually overpower me and I'm forced to stop.

As soon as I stop, I notice my sweaty body and shaky hands and know instantly the out of breath feeling isn't just from dancing. And I know I can't avoid what's going to happen next.

Only just managing to stagger to the stairs without Emily or Mum noticing, I heave myself up the stairs, getting increasingly nauseous with every step. Reaching the top of the stairs, I dash to the bathroom and quickly lock the door behind me. I fall to my knees in front of the toilet bowl and find myself throwing up violently, trying to hold my hair back, hating the fact there's no one left willing to do that for me. The acid from my stomach burns as it comes up my throat and I feel hot tears streaming down my face. Despite my lack of eating, my body still seems to do a good job of covering the toilet bowl with sick until eventually I stop, and slump against the bath, a tidal wave of tears, showing no signs of stopping, cascading down my face.

I hold myself, trying to calm myself down but it doesn't work. My emotions are all over the place and I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't deal with this continually happening. I can't deal with what James did - or Nick. I can't deal with talking to others, I can't deal with getting used or hurt anymore, it all just leads to this, and I can't handle it. I'm so close to just... no, Riley, don't think like that, come on, stay strong. But how can I? I'm evidently a weak, easily-manipulated idiot that boys see as just an object, not a person.

I flush the toilet, determined not to take so long that someone comes upstairs. It turns out no one cares enough to even hear me, which is surprising, because the sound of throwing up isn't exactly quiet, or ignorable.