Save Me from Myself

Chapter 76

Esme's POV

I've lost plenty of friends in my lifetime. Either I scare them away or we just drift apart like clouds on a windy day. Before I met Cali, it never occurred to me that I could lose a friend because they died. I always thought that I would be the one to die, the one that leaves everyone else behind and dies. But now I know that that isn't the case. In all honesty, my life before wasn't that bad. Sure, I had my ups and downs but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I was dramatic. Cali wasn't. Her life was truly awful, and she knew it. She didn't want that life. I wouldn't either.

Despite that, I can't help but be mad at her. She left me on this horrific world, forced to live the rest of my life knowing that she's gone. I'm such a selfish person. I want her right here, next to me for the rest of eternity, but now that'll never happen.

How does it feel living your life like that? Lonely. Miserable. Sickening.

She's not going to be there when I have my baby. She's not going to be there when I cry. She's not going to be there when I want to give up. She'll never be there again. And that kills me.

The world will never get to see her mesmerizing eyes. Or her bright smile that she never showed very often. Or her dark, hilarious sense of humor. Or that adorable dimple she gets on the left side of her face when she grins.  No one will get to see her again. They won't ever get to hear her hypnotic voice that sounded like ocean waves, crashing on the shore.

A few days after I came to the asylum, I asked her why she sang. She answered me, simply by saying, "Because pain makes a good song even better. If someone can feel the pain in their heart and prickling under their skin every time you sing something, then you're not a singer. You're an artist. I sing because I know what true pain is, and because maybe, someday, someone will hear my voice and then understand me. I won't have to explain myself to them, they'll just know. I've yet to meet that person."

I smiled and shook my head when I looked back on that moment. That girl could turn a simple question into a 20 minute speech.

My first night at the asylum, she sang a song. It was such a sad song, and it made me cry. Not because of the lyrics, but because of the way she sang it. I could feel her pain throughout every inch of my body, and I was astounded.

I started crying again, and I laid down on my bed. I hugged the envelope as tight as I could, then I took a deep breath.

Esme,

Meeting you changed the entire course of my life. You showed me that I still had a chance. You had hope in me, which doesn't normally happen. No matter what you think, you couldn't have saved me. I was dead long before you met me.

I wish we could've met before the asylum. You wouldn't have even recognized me. Yes, I was just as depressing back then, but I still had a hint of hope in my eyes.

Please don't hate me. If you know why I did what I did, then you know I had no choice in my mind. I lost my baby sister. Why would I keep living after that? What's the point?

She died in my arms. I felt her body go completely limp. And it was all my fault. My aim was off. That's why she died. She deserved to live, Esme. I didn't. Or I don't. I don't know anymore, I'm talking like I'm dead already.

I'm going to miss you, more than you'll ever know.

I remember what I told you when we were on the rooftop. I remember all of it. I wanted you to think that I was just saying that because I was high. I wasn't. I remember the horrified look on your face when I told you that there was nothing you could do, that I would kill myself when you left. But I didn't. I stayed alive, just like you told me to.

I didn't stay because I wanted to. I stayed because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. Never in my life have I ever had to worry about disappointing anyone. There's never been anyone there for me to disappoint. God I love you. I love you so much Esme. And I'm going to miss you so much.

But you'll be fine. You'll be fine without me. You will have your baby, and you and him will have a great life. I'm kind of sad, I won't get to meet him. But it's okay, I'm bad with babies anyway. I'm always scared that I'm going to drop them.

I'm going to miss everything about you. Everything. Even your loud snoring. Yes, you snore super loud. But I'll miss you so much Esme. I regret not giving myself more time with you. But that's just life. You don't always get what you want. And, I'm probably dead by now so I know I won't be embarrassed about this, I want more time with you. Goodbye Esme. Don't forget about me. Please. I love you.

Calliope Arianna Haile

P.S. The sun will come out tomorrow, with or without me. Always remember that. You'll be able to live without me, you have to. Do it for Addison. Do it for me. Goodbye. I can't wait to see you again. I'll wait for you.

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The end....

Lol nope. It's not over yet. Don't worry. I still have things planned!

I hope you enjoyed this update. Thank you for reading! If you have time, go into the comments and tell me your theories about this chapter and your favorite sad song!!! Thanks!

❤❤Christal