Save Me from Myself

Quick Authors note

Lol you thought I was done. No I'm not updating this book, it's finished, but I am going to do a quick authors note because I genuinely miss writing in this book and I think writing in it one last time will make me feel better, if that makes any sense.

SO I haven't even looked at this book since January, but there is a certain nostalgic feeling I get when I see it. This book is the epitome of my teen angst and mood swings. However, I found safety in it because for once I had something to confide in without making myself uncomfortable. I wrote down all my anger and self hatred, and this book is the outcome. Luckily, now I have two amazing people that I can confide in ❤ But it's not the same. I've never been good at talking about my issues. With this book, they weren't my issues. They were Cali's. Friendship problems, self hatred, family drama, bullying, you name it. Of course I added a dramatic flare to Cali's story (Duh. I'm an actress, it's what I do) but I think in a way I channeled all my feelings into her character. Now there's no where for those unwanted feelings to go, and unfortunately, there's more than before.

I have lots of anger and frustration, but no where for those feelings to go so they just dwell inside of me, slowly tearing me apart. I can confide in friends, but I hate showing my anger. Sadness, I can deal with it if I trust the people I'm confiding in, but anger? That's never been easy. Recently, I told a friend a very very upsetting thing, and I felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders, because I wasn't alone anymore. Only one other person knows this particular issue, but we're not exactly on speaking terms, so telling someone else was a huge relief.

That's how I felt when I wrote. I don't really feel like that anymore. I'm more embarrassed and ashamed then relieved. I remember a year ago I was probably doing this exact same thing. Laying in bed, pretending to sleep and writing an update. There's been a lot of changes since then, not only with my friendships, but with me, personally. This summer, I've made a deal with myself and I'm done letting people walk all over me and treat me like shit. I'm done. And I am also done hiding my emotions. It's painful and I'm not going to deal with it anymore.

My life is extremely different then how it was last year. I am not the same person I was, but I'm still angsty and grumpy. I'm still definitely a nerdy, coffee addict :) I wish I could go back and fix some things, one thing in particular, but that bridge is broken (and it's burning into ashes) so I'm done waiting for it. I'm going to move on with my life and stop caring about things I can't change.

Okay now for the less angsty part because I'm getting embarrassed again, I'm joining a sport this year (ew) and hoping to get out of my shell that I've been hiding in for all these years. I'm also getting another ear piercing hopefully tomorrow, and probably getting glasses tomorrow as well. I'm attempting to lose weight, for self confidence reasons, not because I'm an overly obsessive weirdo (I am, but whatever). I'm trying really hard to make sure that I have a really really good year, because after all these shitty years I could use some positivity. I'm getting some major flashbacks right now of last year, watching sad documentaries and then ranting about them on here while crying because I'm an emotional piece of crap, and I am just going to end this so I can move on and stop feeling melancholy.

So life isn't perfect right now, god knows I'm a mess (lol that's new) but I'm done dwelling in the past, including this book. So this is the end. I'm grateful for having this book to confide in, but I don't need it anymore. I'm feeling nostalgic, and yes I do miss some things that I had last year that I no longer have, but who gives a shit. I'm moving on with my life. Don't dwell in the past or you'll miss the present. Okay that's it. Bye bitches. K I feel bad having my last word in this entire book be bitches so, bye loves ❤❤

❤❤A nostalgic, sleep deprived Christal