The Guy Who Gave Up His Jersey (New Version)

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I opened the front door of the house and walked in. My mom went off with Mindy's mom to help set up a few last things at the hall and I took the car to come back home. The bridesmaids and groomsmen were suppose to go with Mindy and Greg to take pictures at a park. I bailed before Mindy had a chance to grab hold of me.

I dropped the keys on the counter and went straight into the pantry. I should stop myself from binging again. It was best for me to get out the house and go meet up with everyone else, but ale's words kept replaying in my head over and over again. Xavier and I are walking straight in our parents footsteps. We don't handle fights well and all we do is make the situation worse.

I don't want to be them. I don't want to be with someone and fight as much as they do. I don't want to cry my eyes out every night asking myself what I did wrong. I promise, I try my best to not overreact in situations or try to make the problem worse. I avoid conflicts, but Xavier is the opposites. He stirs the pot and gets mad like dad does.
I grabbed the pack of twinkies and began opening the package one by one. I stuffed my both chewing down the soft bread as quickly as possible. I wanted to get full and throw up so the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach could go away. I dropped to my knees and sobbed.

What am I doing to myself? Why am I doing this again?

"Jules..." I heard Alejandro voice.

I gasped. When did he get inside the house? I didn't move. All around me were torn crystal clear bags of the twinkies I stuffed my face with. I chewed on the remaining food in my mouth and swallowed hard.

He took a step towards me then stopped. "What's going on?" His voice came out delicate.

Shit. Why did he have to come here? "Um, nothing." My voice shook.

"Why are you on the floor crying?" He took another step forward and again stopped.

Alejandro never found out about what was going on with me. Xavier did a good job keeping my darkest secrets buried. I guess we never thought the problem would resurface again. How can I tell him what was happening right now? What would he think of me?

"I think I got really emotional at the ceremony." I lied.

He stepped in front of me and kneeled down. I refused to look at him in the eyes. he'd see how weak I was. Alejandro would see right through me. I squeezed my eyes shut hoping he would be gone when I reopened them. Underneath the palm of my hands was another Twinkie. I wanted to eat it. I wanted to stuff my face with it. I gripped onto the Twinkie and bawled my hand in it.

Suddenly, Alejandro placed his hand over mine. "Okay, let's get you off the floor." His voice remained soft.

I didn't budge. "You don't wanna get off the floor?" He questioned me.

I shook my head. "Okay, well let me clean the wrappers from the floor. We don't want your mom wondering what happened here."

"Nothing happened." My voice trembled.

"Okay, nothing happened. I'm going to throw away the wrappers though." I heard him grab the trash and crumbled up the plastic before throwing it in the trash bin.

I didn't move from my spot. I stayed there, knowing I had fucked up. Alejandro was going to tell Xavier about what happened right now and he's going to find out I'm binging.

I have control. it won't get bad. I promise.

Alejandro placed his hands on my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "Mindy wants us at the park to take the pictures. Whatever happened before I got here I don't need to know about it, you need to get up though. Can you do that for me?"

You ever look someone straight in their eyes and they are looking at you in a way you've never seen before? The sparkle where you can see them seeing you in the dark orb you surrounded yourself in. Deep down he knew what was going on, maybe he saw it in the evidence or it could have been I gave it away. But he knew and for the first time I saw it in him, the guy he mask behind his front.

He gently grabbed my wrist and picked me up. He didn't say anything, his hand me remained wrapped around mine. And then, he pulled me close to him and my body made contact with his. I wrapped my arms around his torso and shut my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I'm sorry for being too harsh on you sometimes."

As harsh as Alejandro thinks he may be with me, sometimes his harshness speaks the truth. I'm a mess, a terrible one at the moment.

I'm relapsing and this time I don't know if I really want to stop it.