The Guy Who Gave Up His Jersey (New Version)

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Have you ever reached the point in your life where too many bad things have happened back to back your reaction to another surprise doesn't affect you? I read the letter a few times and a rush of confusion and anger took over. For a split moment, I wanted to scream my head off and punch something. In the same manner, the flush of emotions took over so did a rush of calmness. 

It wasn't worth my time to burst into confusion or anger, nor did I want to march down the hall to demand to my mom what this man was talking about. Alejandro was screwing my best friend behind my back instead of wanting to scream at him and tell him to fuck off--- I didn't care. 

I felt numb. 

Why was it always me who had to go off and ask the questions? I've rescued my friends and my mom times before from consequences they made. I listened to my mother blame a man for destroying her self-worth. She wasn't strong enough to save herself so Aunt Vivan had to take rescue her. Every time she fights with my dad she brings up how this man destroyed her and she cannot trust anyone, in reality, I don't think she can't trust herself. She expects for me to always be there for her, she wants me to go through the pain she is going through. Instead of taking care of myself, I take care of her.

When I started binge eating she wasn't there for me, she didn't save me. She wanted me to smile to everyone and tell them I am okay. Countless times she screamed at me for begging for attention, there was nothing wrong with me. If it wasn't for my dad and Xavier opening her eyes she wouldn't have let me get the proper treatment. The numerous times she said nothing is wrong with you! smile and stop complaining! It craved itself into my brain and that's what I have been doing all this time, smiling and watching people manipulate and tug me for years now. 

Demi was right, the world doesn't revolve around me, it never had.  Although life makes it seem like it does, I can only protect myself and take care of myself. At the end of the night, all I have is me and I can't nurture the girl within me no one else will. My actions seemed to be judged by friends all the time whether it is right or wrong, they have something to say, but lord forbids me to express my opinion about their actions. I get eaten alive. 

I've spent too much time already trying to save them from whatever situation they are in. I've spent countless hours in a cafe my mom wanted to have for years. I've picked the wrong guys to like when I cannot even like myself sometimes. 

If he is right about what my mother did to me and how she has played the victim card all these years, she'll have to find a way to cope with her demons, because I'm not dealing with it anymore. For my own sake, I'm not going to speak to him regardless of the situation, it seems useless. There isn't anything I have to say to the man, even if my mom made the decision to keep away from me, he could've done things differently. Legally, he could've reported me kidnapped or could've gotten the police involved. Yet, he didn't and he can't expect me to go running to him. It's not going to happen. 

Starting tonight my time is going to be focus on saving, protecting, and loving myself. 

The chime of my phone broke me out of my thoughts. I palced the letter back int the envelope and hid it in my drawer. I went over to my bed and picked up my phone. 

1 New Text Message

A: Can I come over so we can talk? Demi told me she told you about the fling we had going on and I want to explain myself.

J: I'm tired and want to go to sleep early. Don't worry about Alejandro, there isn't any explanation needed. You are able to sleep with whoever you want, don't mind me.

A: I wasn't thinking during the time...I am not the guy anymore. 

Not that guy anymore? Of course not, Alejandro. He wasn't the guy I met freshman year or the guy he was a few months ago. I've met different sides of him and I can tell this decision he had made wasn't a big part of who he is. As his own person, he is allowed to do what he wants with who he wants. I can't judge him for deciding to sleep with Demi nor can I judge him for keeping rank over girls. Everyone copes with their own demons their own way. 

J: I know, you don't have to convince me you changed. I can see it. I'm going to bed so I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight. 

The reflection I had the night before took effect immediately, I woke up and I felt a shift in the universe itself. In a way, it was easier to breathe. After changing and heading down the stairs my mom was in the kitchen having her morning coffee and Xavier was eating breakfast. By the empty cup of coffee on the table, dad had left late today to work managing to eat breakfast with mom and Xavier. 

"Good morning." I hummed, pouring myself orange juice in a glass. 

"Good morning..." Xavier looked up at his phone, giving me a confused look. I wasn't a morning person so to have me smiling and talking was out of my character. 

"Good morning, sweetie." My mother responded. 

I took a seat next to Xavier and grabbed a waffle from the middle of the table and began preparing it the way I like it. The entire time he was staring at me with a stunned face expression. I turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow. 

"What?"

"What did you do with my sister?" He questioned me. 

"Dofus, what the hell are you talking about?" 

"You aren't a morning person nor do you eat breakfast." 

"Okay, but today I am. Is that okay?" I asked, waiting for him to nod so I could stuff a piece of waffle in my mouth. 

"Mom, I think Juliana isn't feeling well." 

"She's probably woke up in a good mood." My mother defended me. 

"She has those?" He turned to look at her. I slammed my hand across the back of his head sending his head flinging forward. 

"Yes, yes I do!" I barked. 

"That hurt." He hissed. 

"Don't start!" My mom threw us a glare. I smiled innocently at him, stuffing my mouth with a piece of waffle I began eating. "Juliana, can you take a shift at the cafe after school? I have things to get done." 

"Nope." 

"Okay, thank you-" she and Xavier were staring at me. "What did you say?"

I casually took another bite from the waffle. "I said, nope. Starting today and onward, I'll take the shifts I usually take and won't take anymore. Xavier can take a shift, he's been stuck with Linda all this time." 

"See she's not herself," Xavier muttered. 

"I'm asking you." 

"I understand that mom, but I am not taking it. I've spent enough hours in the cafe if you are short staff hire people. I want to live my life too." 

"She's probably going out with Lucas tonight." Xavier rolled his eyes. 

"No, we aren't together. I want to catch on homework and actually join an after school program." I simply said. 

"What happened?" She asked. 

I shrugged. "College guys aren't my thing yet." I got up from the table and placed the plate inside the dishwasher. "I'll see you guys later, have a great day!" 

As I stepped out of the kitchen, Xavier followed behind. When we were on the second floor he pushed me aside where mom couldn't hear me. 

"What are you smoking? Because you are acting weird and I don't know how I feel about it." He sounded concern. 

"I don't care how you feel about it. I feel great and I'm not smoking or doing drugs. Okay? Great talk." I patted his arm. 

"This isn't you-"

"This Juliana is here to stay so get used to it Xavier." 

"I get it you're heartbroken over your breakup and you are trying to be strong." He tried to give me a hug and I pushed him away. 

He had it all wrong. "I am not heartbroken. I want to live my life my way and I'm doing exactly that." 

This is what life made me do.