Circled by The Wolves [Brustoff]

Chapter 32

~Cameron P.O.V~

The two following weeks before the 10 Years In The Black Tour went flying. When we told our record label that Danny was back in the picture they were beyond thrilled and Ash even got us into a studio to rehearse so we can 'be at our best'. We had to relearn some of the old songs we weren't playing live for a long time like The Road, Moving On or even A Single Moment of Sincerity. Everyone were just stoked and so caught up in preparing's for the upcoming tour that Denis' name was barely even mentioned. They all acted like he was never here, like he was never involved, The Black album was almost non-existent and I didn't know whether to be glad or skeptical about it. I missed Denis though. A lot actually, but now that he finally showed us his true face I didn't know weather I'd punch him in the face or I'd kick him in the balls then proceed with the punching if I saw him anytime soon.
"They're here." Sam tossed my elbow with his snapping me out of my thoughts as Ben and Danny came towards us from the airport.
Today the tour starts and yesterday Ben and Danny flew out to do an interview with Kerrang! about the whole Danny being back in the band situation. I didn't know what story Ben gave them, and I highly doubt I'll ever read whatever comes out in that magazine.
"Went well?" I asked greeting them.
"Went great." Danny replied loudly as always.
"Cool." James said. "Let's go, our bus is waiting for us. We have to get going if we don't want to be late for our first reunion show."
We hurried to the bus and as we got in the bus started to move driving us towards the first city we're playing in for the 10 Years In The Black Tour.
It was just like old times. Ben and Danny getting drinks as soon as we got going, Sam taking out a cigarette and James joining on both.
I watched them as they slowly got more and more drunk with each passing quarter of an hour.
After just two hours they stumbled across the moving bus laughing at nothing and everything as they got so wasted they couldn't even stand. I shook my head towards James who offered me who knows what for the third time almost pouring the liquid all over me and the couch.
Yes, they all laughed. Yes, it all seemed so bright and excited, but it wasn't. There wasn't any actual happiness in here. I could sense the negativity in the air. Drinking to the point where you couldn't stand wasn't a way of getting your excitement out and although I hate to admit it, it was very, very obvious something was missing. Someone. And that Someone was Denis.
There was no real conversations, there was no actual hanging out and getting wasted only after the show, it was all just a pure drinking contest of who's gonna come out as a bigger fool.
Oh God, is this how it's gonna be from now on?
Goddammit Denis, where are you?!
If only I knew where he was. If only I knew what was going through his head. If only I knew what was he doing. If only I knew why he wasn't answering us... If only I knew what caused this...
I ended up putting my headphones on and shutting the guys out as I crashed on the couch waiting for that damn show to start.

The show went surprisingly well. I was actually expecting pissed people, I was expecting fights and haters, but no. Everything went fine, if not better than ever depending on weather I dared to say it or not.
"Wow guys, it's been what? Two fucking years?!" Danny yelled into the mic as James played the finishing act on his drums. "I can see you sure didn't lose the passion, tho!"
How ironic.
I had to force myself not to roll my eyes as there was at least 10 cameras on me right now while I was trying my best to keep a wide grin on my face. Denis was maybe a cheat, but if we're going back to our 'roots' I'm honestly really not sure how I'm gonna make it. I liked the 'Reckless and Relentless cycle' - when it came to the music, but when it came to the excessive drinking, smoking and fucking random bitches we stumbled across in bars... yeah I definitely didn't want to go back to that.
"I just wanna thank each one of you, for standing with us through so much shit." Ben began and I almost allowed myself to roll my eyes. Almost. "I just want to say that we have to look up to the future and I guarantee you the future is brighter than ever. Our band is back with the original fucking line up and better than ever!" He said and you'd think he actually meant it.
The crowd of course screamed  their guts out in response probably believing in each word Ben crunched. I couldn't blame them tho, he sounded hella convincing, but I knew him. Even he didn't believe himself.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of all of our hearts!" With that James threw his drumsticks into the crowd and we all ran off stage.
"That was amazing!" Danny shouted, but as my gaze laid on Ben's face he didn't share nor half of Danny's enthusiasm as he replied with a simple 'yeah'.
"Meet at the bar near this venue?" Danny asked and we all nodded. "I'm gonna take a shower at the bus, then I meet you there."
Danny took off leaving us all to shower and get ready at the venue. It made me wonder why he didn't want to get ready with us, but I left that though aside as Ben and James already got their hands on alcohol.
"Woah, stop... Stop." I said pulling a bottle of whiskey out of Ben's hands. "Don't you think you've had enough for tonight?"
They managed to sober out a little till the show as they all took a nap, but they were all still drunk and it showed. Mixing whatever they had before with whiskey now was like suicide for their own brain and nervous system.
"I hadn't had even remotely enough." Ben protested as I held the bottle away from him.
I opened my mouth to lecture him, but Sam grabbed the bottle out of my hand from behind me.
"Oh quit moming us around for once." He said annoyed handling the whiskey to Ben.
"Thanks Sammy." Ben moaned clearly wasted as as fuck as he walked up to Sam and gave him a quick kiss to the cheek.
"Fine, but I'm hiding the painkillers." I said walking off to the bathroom.
I took a quick shower and when I threw some clean clothes on myself walking out James was sitting on the floor leaning onto a wall with Ben practically lying in his lap as they hugged. Have they really manage to down a whole bottle of whiskey in 10 minutes that I was gone. I was already getting ready to yell at them when I spotted tears in Ben's eyes.
"I miss him." Ben spoke and I froze. "I miss him so much it hurts right here." He placed his hand over his heart and chuckled sadly. "It's just not the same y'know. I wake up every day hoping to see his face next to mine. Every time I step into a different room I expect to see him there. And when I don't something just strikes me and suddenly the harsh realization hits me. That he's not here. That he's not in the next room and that he's not coming back. And it just hurts. It hurts so fucking much." Ben cried onto James' shoulder as I was unable to move.
"He told me not to lose faith in him, though." James said. "He told me..."
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Sam growled at them as he walked in on the same view as me, but from a different direction. "You're not talking about Denis again, right?!"
"Denis." Ben chuckled as more tears poured out of his eyes. He probably didn't even realize it - that's how drunk he was. "I miss hearing that name in my every day life."
"Oh for fuck's sake get your asses up!" Sam grabbed Ben's hand ad pulled him up to his feet. "Danny's waiting for us in the bar. Get Cameron and come." He jerked his chin towards the angle where I stood hidden and then left dragging Ben with him.
When they were far enough not to hear us I walked out meeting James right when he got to his feet.
"What did Denis tell you that night?" I asked.
He repeated that sentence three times now. Not once finishing it.
"It's quite funny actually..." James laughed alcohol doing it's clear effect on his brain. "Considering the situation."
"He told you not to lose faith in him, is that correct?" I focused on his eyes trying to get him to focus on me and not his drunken state. "What else?"
Whatever the fuck I was doing, it worked as James' eyes flickered with something I couldn't quite detect. Maybe fear, maybe regret... maybe both.
His face then went serious as he looked away from me. "I walked in on him as he..." James' voice died down and as he wasn't continuing I let my impatience get the best of me.
"As he what?"
"...cut." As that one simple word left James' lips I felt the world around me spin. Before I even began gathering my shit back together James continued. "But Cameron, it was insanity. The blood was literally everywhere. The sink, the floor, his fingers and... And his wrist... It was completely butchered. He definitely must've cut open all of his veins. But the thing that scared me the must was the expression on his face. When he looked at me it was all worry and pure horror of what I'm gonna think, but before... Cam, that very second before he looked up at me euphoria was written all over his face. There was definitely fear and nervousness, but euphoria Cameron. Euphoria. And the amount of blood all around him and dripping off of his arm... It made me just freeze in place..."
James spoke while I fought every urge in my body not to kill him on the spot as each of his words echoed through my mind connecting with Denis' acts and sayings in the past.
"And... And..." I started off quiet, but then my voice exploded as hot fury washed over me. "What in the world were you thinking when you decided to keep this to yourself?!"
Oh my God, we spent two fucking months bitching about him while for all we could've known he could've been dead by now.
"Fuck. Shit. Shit. "I swore as James just stared at me. "Shit. Fuck, James! Fuck! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell Ben? Anyone?"
"I tried, but Danny and Sam... even Ben convinced me it was all an act..." James stuttered. "So I kinda jumped to a conclusion as..."
"You just said there was blood everywhere!" I exclaimed not believing how stupid he was. "You seriously think that was all an act?! Seriously?!"
"Well Chris' death was faked and Ashley..."
"No, no, no... No!" I was so aware of my sudden flip out, but I couldn't help it. "James, what the hell were you thinking?!"
"Jeez Cam listen for fucking five seconds!" He raised his tone and it took me by surprise.
I looked at him forcing myself to calm down as James' eyes were filled with regret and sadness. But there was a spark of hope there too.
"British Invasion Tour, January 25th." James spoke confusing me a bit. "British Invasion Tour, January 25th - that's what he said hissing a quick, but strong 'remember' afterwards before he locked me up in the bathroom and ran away."
"British Invasion Tour, January 25th." I repeated out loud, thinking. "What does that mean...?" I whispered more to myself than to James, but he felt the need to comment anyways.
"That's what I thought... Like what? That's why I thought it could be an act... To confuse us and..." But I pushed my hand over James mouth as I focused on my brain's furious thinking.
"Shhh!" I hissed feeling my mind fall under a trans.
It lasted just for a moment, but that moment was rather enough. "Give me your phone." I ordered.
"What?" James looked at me confusion spreading across his face.
"Just give me your damned phone!" I snapped and James reached out to his pocket pulling his iphone out.
I nervously unlocked his screen opening google.
'Asking Alexandria British Invasion Tour January 25th' I typed in and the search immediately gave me exactly the pictures I thought I'd get.
The five of us sitting at the meet & greet table with a blond girl before us handling us a razor blade. Denis' pale face and then numerous of pictures of Denis getting up and hugging that girl.
The memories of that night ran into my mind like the swiftest river making so many things clear.
Christina was the girls name. She was 17 and when she approached our table beyond scared - you could tell as she shook like a leaf. She said that our music help her through some of the darkest times in her life and that she was 216 days clean from cutting and that she wanted to give us her last blade as we played a big role in her quitting her addiction.
I was sitting next to Denis that night and I remember as clear as the skies how he stiffened at the sight of the blade. I felt his hand next to mine shake as the shiny piece of metal fell to the wooden table with a short, resonant echo. I saw his eyes fill with tears as he froze, his face going pale. His moment of stillness didn't last very long as he got up without a word, walked around the table and gave that girl a huge long hug. He whispered something to her too, and although nobody knew what it was, it was definitely something that girl - Christina - would carry with herself as an anchor judging by the way her eyes sparkled with tears and emotion that words couldn't possibly describe.
After that, tho, the whole night was killed for Denis. He wasn't smiling anymore nor he was talking. He just kept his distance from us, but still drinking.
When I came up to him and wanted to give him the blade as he was the one to leave an impact on that girl, I watched his body go tense once again. I watched his eyes froze it's gaze to the silver piece of metal once again.
'I can't keep it.' I remember his voice still, as cold as ice and as blank and emotionless as a rock.
'What's wrong?' I've asked him softening my tone as I always did when I'd notice something was off, and just like that, out of no where, he broke down.
It was way too much to be a regular breakdown, and although I sensed since the very beginning he was a lot more vulnerable than the rest of us, I haven't expected that.
I quickly dragged him to the bus and then to the bunk area while he shook in my arms as violet sobs escaped his mouth and as tears streamed down his cheeks like waterfalls. His heart rate was so high I wondered how the hell was he even breathing, but I kept him close to myself holding him until he completely fell silent.
We stayed quiet for quite some time until he broke the soundless room first. 'Anxiety attacks.' He had clicked his tongue. 'I haven't had those in years.'
I wasn't stupid. I knew what those were, but to get anxiety attacks shouldn't you actually have anxiety issues - which Denis didn't have? Well, that was what I thought.
Then he told me about his years in highschool. About him getting bullied, and about his parents and how they never seemed to be satisfied with anything he did. Eventually he got to his ex - leaving out the fact it was a guy, back then. He just told me they had a kind of an abusive relationship and that that was an entire different story.
'We have time.' I had said wanting to know. Wanting to know about my new best friend with which I seemed to click faster than with any other. I wanted to know how to deal with him in certain situations. I wanted to know, to understand the thing with the blade...
And I remember it as clear as if it had happened yesterday. His hazel eyes looking up to meet mine as a slight smile lit up his sad, but still insanely beautiful face. 'I'll tell you next time we come to Yorkshire.'