Circled by The Wolves [Brustoff]

Chapter 33

'It was like we were touring just for the sake of touring and it didn't quite feel like Asking anymore. There was no chemistry and I just didn't feel it when we played together.'

I closed the Kerrang! magazine then threw it across the room as hot tears streamed down my face. I laid back down in my bed throwing the covers over my head as I tried to stop my body from massively shaking. 

I shifted under the blanket and buried my head in the pillows not wanting to hear my own sobs in an empty room already  fully filled up with my misery.

I knew I shouldn't buy it... Oh my God, why was I so stupid? I knew the moment I saw the magazine in the store that I'm gonna regret it. I knew the moment I saw the cover that I'm gonna regret it. I knew I didn't want to know... but no. I still had to go ahead and buy it. 

'There was no chemistry and I just didn't feel it when we played together' I could hear Ben's voice like he was saying it sitting right next to me as I read it and now his words echoed in my head.

Although I knew he didn't mean it... Although I knew he was just saying it because he had to say something, give the public some kind of explanation it still hurt. It hurt a like a bitch.
It was the kind of pain you couldn't get rid of whatever you do. The past two months that I had to pretend like I just didn't care... That I had to read hundreds and hundreds of texts, e-mails and messages from the guys, and millions of comments all over my social media was just hell. I couldn't respond. And I wanted to. 

There was even days where I'd type a full three-paragraph text fitting everything that happened on the last tour in, opening up about everything, even my past, but then I'll end up deleting it.

'Remember what will happen if you don't obey.' Danny had said. 

I already wasn't obeying. I'm in Yorkshire and not Ukraine. If Dusty wanted to find me, then this is sure gonna piss him off, I didn't need him to really go after Ben and the guys. Oh my fuck, this was such a messed up situation. I cried harder as I thought about my possibilities. There was none.

I stayed under the blanket until I finally haven't ran out of tears for who know what time in just this week. I stayed there until my body didn't go so numb I couldn't even shake anymore. I let the emptiness and silence fall over me as I laid and laid for who knows how long. 

Then when my muscles finally started to hurt because of the tension I wasn't relieving I shifted to the side throwing the blanket off of my face. I breathed the cold air letting my gaze fly around the empty, boring room of an apartment I rented. When I felt my eyes burn with tears again I shut them biting on my lip until I was sure I won't break down into mess again.

I suddenly flinched. It took me a moment to detect the pain coming from my left arm. I sat up on the bed reaching out to the bandages over my left wrist. It's been two months and my cuts still haven't healed. 

Although I had to do it to get the chip out, I went too deep - and also there was the fact I didn't quite let them heal. Now I had no one to talk me out of anxiety attacks, and there were many, so I'd always end up scratching my own cuts until I'm calm. I was never aware of what I was doing until I'd realize my arm was bleeding. Just like now.

I sighed getting up of my bed and walking to the bathroom. I was such a mess, it was pathetic. 

I washed the blood off of my wrist and cleaned my wounds once again then put clean bandages over my wrist. Probably for the hundredth time this month. I sighed again.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hear was messy. Like, the bad kind of messy and not sexy messy like Ben's always was. I had dark circles around my eyes, and my eyes were so lifeless that if I weren't aware of myself I'd probably think it wasn't me. No matter what I was going through I'd always find a way to squeeze some energy into my eyes, soul... Now, there was none and I let it.