Phan // I Want You To Love Me

Chapter Nineteen

Phil was sprinting down the street. Past the bus stop and around the corner, heart beating furiously in his chest. Why? Why did Dan think that was a good idea? Why couldn't Phil bring himself to pull away sooner? Why hadn't he just dodged Dan's lips in the first place? Why was Phil suddenly so flustered over a tiny kiss? All these thoughts raced through his mind and he finally came to a stop outside Tesco, panting and gulping down air. He wanted to run away from Dan. Run away from everything that just happened.

Phil found another bus stop and got on a bus that he hoped would stop by Jake's house. By now his eyes were watering. Dan was home alone, weak, sick, and Phil had abandoned him. But he couldn't possibly face Dan. Not now that he was questioning everything. Did he really only like Dan as a friend? Is Jake really the perfect boy Phil though he was?

Up until half a week ago, Phil thought that he loved Jake unconditionally. That they'd never break up. He was even considering the possibility of a future with Jake. But now, he realised, that Dan had somehow managed to weave his way into the picture. The boy with the eyes of melted chocolate flecked with specks of gold dust was weighing heavily on Phil's mind, and Phil couldn't escape his own thoughts. He came to a sudden realisation; that he hadn't seen Dan smile in what felt like years. Phil missed the way dimples would form at the corners of Dan's mouth when he smiled, or the way his eyes would glow with warmth. Phil missed the times when he could hear Dan quietly talking to himself in the privacy of his own room. Phil missed Dan. But it was too late. He was on his way to Jake's.

One glance out the window revealed that Jake's was the next stop. He pushed the bell, and alighted, then walked hesitantly up to the door. He didn't bother knocking, knowing that Jake nor Sarah ever locked the door. When he entered the house, he could hear Sarah moaning from inside Jake's bedroom. But she wasn't just moaning in general, she was moaning Jake's name. Phil threw open the bedroom door to reveal Sarah underneath Jake, who was grinding into her. Sarah was gripping the bed and Jake had his hands tangled in her hair and his lips pressed to her neck.
'Jake?' Phil said, his voice only a whisper. But Jake had heard the door open and looked up, a startled look on his face.
'Ph-Phil! You said that y-you wouldn't be back for a while!' Jake said, frozen in place. Sarah, who had moved her left hand from the sheets to wrap around Jake's waist, looked unbothered by the situation. Jake, however, got up suddenly and made a move towards Phil.
'Get away from me,' Phil said quietly, seething with anger.
'Phil! Please! I'm sorry, it was a mistake!' Jake begged.
'Yeah, it was a big mistake, Jake!' Phil replied, beginning to raise his voice.
'I'll make it up to you! Just forgive me, please!'
'No! It's done! We're over!' Phil shouted.
'No! We're not! Phil, please! It was a one time thing!' Jake made a grab for Phil's wrist, which Phil retracted quickly.
'No it wasn't, Jake!' Sarah joined in.
'How long has this been going on for?' Phil asked, quietly at first. When he received no answer he raised his voice to a shout, and repeated the question, tears spilling down his cheeks. 'HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON FOR?'
'A couple months, actually,' Sarah replied, smirking.

Dan was on the floor, refusing to get up. He's ruined everything, he thought to himself. All chances of being able to reform his and Phil's friendship were gone. Now, Dan realised, he had nothing to live for. His friendship with Phil was in ruins, his family had probably forgotten that he existed. The house was too big for one person anyway, and all the memories of the times Phil and himself spent together were engraved into every ember of the flat, and he wanted to forget it all. He didn't want to live anymore. The pain of existence was unbearable, and Dan knew only one solution to make it end.

He reluctantly got up off the floor and hastily scrawled a note to Phil in case he ever decided to return to the house. Then, taking deep breaths, he began walking slowly towards the front door. It took so much effort for Dan to walk up the winding stairs to the roof because he hadn't eaten in days, nor did he have the desire to do so any time soon. Finally, he was standing, peering over the roof's edge, checking for passing people. Who would find his body? Who would call an ambulance, even though it would be hopeless? Who would check his pulse to see if his broken, worn out heart would still beat? Dan was too selfish to properly consider the effect his suicide would have on other people.

He then began thinking about Phil. He recalled the time when Phil's wheely chair broke, and Dan offered up his own lap as a possible alternative, which Phil jokingly accepted. Or, the time when they were sprinting to get on the underground before the doors shut and Dan managed to get on, but Phil wasn't going to make it, so Dan instinctively stuck his head in between the closing doors so that Phil could join him. The memories seemed to cause a physical pain in his chest, and he wanted nothing more than for the pain to stop. So, in an attempt to make the pain cease to be, Dan hauled himself upwards to stand on the ledge.

The street below looked miserable. The sky was grey, casting gloomy shadows onto the tarmac and no lights lit up the insides of the little houses that lined the pavement. The area was as dead as Dan was inside. Once he had emptied his head of all thoughts, Dan stood staring at the pavement below. He felt so numb that he couldn't feel the tears that streamed from his cheeks, couldn't even feel the wind against his skin, although it whipped his slowly curling hair back and forth. He took a deep breathe and held it, then began tilting forward slowly.

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this chapter is so long !!
also, thinking about publishing a new fic called 'doctor's office' and yeh it will be phan ;))